In general i never really did, or do get the appeal of a relationship in the conventional sense, sure i have been drawn to people before, but according to my research thats nothing like what allo's feel. I do not feel sad about not having a relationship, however there is a single aspect of this situation of mine that lately doesnt fail to make me sad, that being the fact that ill never be anyone's First.
Noone will see a movie and think "oh i should watch this with Alias", there wont be someone who sees a fun activity and think "oh i bet this would be fun to go to with Alias", never will there be anyone to think "oh a long weekend is coming up, i should check if Alias is available for something". Sure there will be times, or occasional happenstances when friends remember, but unless you can manage to find another aroace person, their priorities will likely always be with someone else.
And... that is... okay... or should be atleast?, i cant honestly find it in myself to be angry at them about this, afterall its not really their fault... Yet, i also cant say it doesn't hurt. Sure, i could probably get something like this if i looked for a relationship, but not only would i be lying to them, id also be lying to myself, at which point could i even really enjoy it?
Im just forever cursed to prioritize my friends in a way that at best will never be returned and at worst will be met with hostility from their partner/being weirded out. Thats all really, just felt like itd maybe help if i wrote this out. As well as being a bit curious if there are others who feel the same.
