Keep Calm

This is what my life has come to. I don't have a home, I need a new car and my entire body is falling apart. 

I'm 19 years old and this is what my life looks like.

I work 40+ hours a week at a job that literally makes me weak at the knees, it makes my back and hands ache. And I have nothing to show for the work but a few scars. 

I'm sleeping on a couch, it's not my couch. I don't have a couch anymore, they broke it along with everything else that I had. 

I'm 19 years old and this is what my life looks like. 

I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I see someone worthy of a good life.

Life seems to think the opposite. 

I don't want to marry the first person who looked at me like I was made of gold. 

I don't want the first person who took my body, and showed me how love should feel, to be the one who does it forever. 

I want my first love to be deep. 

I want my first love to be a catastrophe. 

I want my future husband to know that my first love made me this way. 

He was sweet and beautiful and perfect for me. 

I want my future husband to know that my first love is stilled buried deep inside my heart, because he taught me how to love myself. 

He taught me that love is both for me and him. 

But, I need my future husband to understand that even through all of that, he is still the one who I chose to have my forever with. 

While my first love was perfect, it was childish and we relied on each other too much.

We loved too hard too fast and we knew we wouldn't last forever. 

We were quick sand. 

But you and me, my dear husband we are cement. 

No grandma, I have no time to eat I'm always busy. 

"Good, don't eat"

"You look like you lost weight! What have you been doing?"

Nothing auntie, I didn't notice

"Well good, keep doing what your doing!" 

I am taught that eating disorders are not the route to take. But, when your family are always the ones who are egging you on it is a little hard to let it go. It stings you know, that I can never feel beautiful in the body I was blessed with given. 

"You always asked for food as a kid!"

My mother comments, laughing as a eat my 3rd slice of pizza after an 11 hour work day and a 20 minute break. 

The only thing in my stomach being the looks that my male co-workers gave to women who are thinner than me. 

-Have you lost weight? Keep doing what your doing 

When I have children, I want them to be nothing like me. 

I want their lives to be a painting of their favorite things, their favorite colors, foods and music. I never, ever want them to know pain. 

I do not want them to know what it's like to grow up with out a father and a functioning mother. I do not want them to know what it's like not knowing how much longer the state will let them stay in the home that they grew up in, the home in which they built their life around. 

When I have children, I want them to be nothing like me. 

I do not want them to know what it feels like to be stepped on. I do not want them to know what it feels like to have a broken heart that they have to carry with them everywhere they go.

When I have children, I need my husband to understand that I want our family to be perfect, I want fighting, but I want such a stupid amount of love that it will make our children sick. 

I want soccer, dance, gymnastics, video games, basketball. I want them to know that the tooth fairy will always give them money and that Santa and Hanukkah Harry will always drop off presents. I want them to get 9 presents. 

When I have children, I never want anyone to say that they want them to be like me.