Me: What could possibly go wrong today?

I spent three weeks in a mental hospital and what I discovered there I feel like should be put into words.

When I was a child I used to say that I’ll conquer the outer space, my eyes glued to those dots of light in the sky, my heart beating for that moon. I found peace up there, I found hope. I was so in love with something that was beyond my reach. Couple years later, the only thing I’m trying to conquer is my own mind. Cause’ as the years went by, it become my prison, my cage. But I still look up, and the sky is still there, and the stars still shine, and once again I smile like a hopeless fool. Suddenly I’m four again, my eyes full of wonder, my body dancing with those constellations, my poor broken heart feels warm again. I feel like… myself. No more depression, no more anxiety, no more panick attacks, no more…no more. Just peace and the sweet light of hope.

If you’re not an addict you can’t understand, how you can love something that is killing you, how the only thing that makes you feel free is also your prison. So you’re gonna keep asking ,,Why?“ and ,,Why?, and I am trying to explain, for the millionth time, I am trying to explain. ,,But still, why drugs?” ,,Why cutting?“ ,,Why drinking?” ,,Why?“ ,,Why??” ,,IT’S KILLING YOU’’. But you don’t get it, I was dead long before that, a walking carcass. Here, but not really here. And I found an escape, something that makes me feel and not feel at the same time. I know is wrong, trust me, but I’m buried 10 feet down the soil in this little cage, and I don’t have the key. And I’m trying to get out, but at the same time, I’m afraid to get out. I fucking hate this but I bloody love it too. See, antithesis, that’s the defining word for everything in my world. A beautiful fucked up way of suffering. But you still don’t understand.