I go to seek a great perhaps.

I’m not someone who easily asks for help. Whenever I’m struggling, my instinct is to withdraw and deal with it on my own. I know it’s not the healthiest habit, but it’s the way I was raised and how I’ve learned to cope. So if I go quiet, it usually means I’m overwhelmed or paralyzed by anxiety, not that I don’t care.

Over the past two years, I’ve been through a lot — a messy breakup, my dog’s diagnosis with type 1 diabetes, failing a subject and being placed on probation, pushing through with my thesis, surviving two semesters of 26 units, carrying the weight of the bar exams despite feeling unprepared, and managing the stress of graduation — all without really leaning on anyone. I know I should reach out, but it doesn’t come naturally to me. Please understand that when I retreat, it’s just me managing my emotions in my own way and at my own pace.

It’s not like I never tried to open up. I did. But I realized many people listen only to confirm the version of me they already have in their heads, instead of hearing what I’m actually saying. They assume they know me better than I know myself — which is absurd. That experience made me more careful about where I put my energy and who I trust.

I might make certain things look easy — like filing a LOA, deferring the bar, or speaking up when necessary — but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the weight of those choices. I just process my emotions privately: reflecting, running, thinking things through. It takes a lot out of me, and at the same time, I still carry the roles of being an eldest child, sibling, and friend. Did it make me feel bad that I wasn't able to attend a friend's wedding? Definitely. I still carry the guilt with me and I've been thinking of ways to make it up to her. Was deferring the bar easy? Hell no. I had to detach and disconnect from anything law school related just so I won't feel bad about my decision. Do I feel bad about not being able to support or cheer on my schoolmates last year? Of course! But I was also trying to survive and accept the decision I made. On top of that, I was taking care of my sick dog who was deteriorating really quickly while rebuilding my relationship with my dad. Do I regret deferring? Absolutely NOT. Reesey died a few months after and I'm grateful I got to be a good mom to her before she passed.

And one more thing: don’t do things for people just to hold it over them when they can’t give back in the exact way you expect. That’s manipulative. “I did this for you, so you owe me” — but did you even ask if I was capable of reciprocating like that? Did you ever think that maybe I just don’t operate the same way you do?

If you’re expressive, that’s great. If you can juggle a dozen things at once, good for you. But that’s not who I am. Don’t project your version of love, success, or happiness onto me. We all have our own ways of finding meaning and joy.