im bad again

i’m more afraid of attempting suicide and failing than suicide

The dangerous point is when you stop caring about getting better. You start to believe it’ll never happen, that this experience has damaged you beyond repair, and that it will be this, or worse, for the rest of your life. You have nothing to get better for because this has robbed everything from you: you talk to almost no one, maybe you’ve even dropped out of school or work or whatever, and you know that if you vanished today, no one would notice for at least a week, three days tops. You lie on the floor and you stare at the ceiling and you ask, why am I trying anymore? What still exists for me to care about?

Is this me? Is this my illness? Am I actually ill? Am I just a bad person? Is this just who I am? Am I just an attention seeker? Is this real? What’s going on? I’m so confused.

Craving abuse and hating yourself for it is a special kind of hell