struggling human helping struggling humans

can you believe i have a dog? me either. typically me and pets don’t mix. not because I don't like them, it’s mostly because I am afraid of almost every living creature big and small. and also i am a bit insatiable, irresponsible, and can be spontaneous in my decision making-when i can actually make a decision (libra here). 

i have had a few dogs over the span of my lifetime. As a child we had two Buffy’s-one a mini poodle (we think was eaten by a coyote),  the other a Bichon Frisé (we had to re-home before living abroad), both white. we had a black dog named Pepper, i can see him in my mind but not sure where he came from or at what point in my life he was present. as a teen I convinced my mom to let me get a mix of a pup that I promised to care for and ultimately didn’t. so off he went to idk where. Magic was his name and I think my mother allowed me to get him because my father was in an almost fatal accident-an emotional support dog of sorts. as an adult we adopted a beautiful black lab we named Miles, after Miles Davis. he was about the best dog you could have. we were given a female lab, Daisy, around the same time which really made things spicy at home with a teen, preteen, two working adults, sports, school, and for me no real connection with a pet. re-homed. 

during the height of the pandemic, I sat with folks that were adopting dogs left and right. i thought about adopting then, but realized that there was nothing really different about my life during the lockdown that would warrant the type of support that having a pet, I have heard can offer. so I chilled. if I were to get a dog, I knew just the breed I wanted a sheepadoodle. i found and began to fancy this breed while watching an episode of High Maintenance, where there is an episode dedicated solely to this dog. i instantly became obsessed-from a distance. when considering to get a pet I knew this breed would be the one, mostly because it as so damn cute and so damn smart. also, being a vegan, I knew I had to rescue, but where in the hell does this special breed exist in the world of rescues and adoption?

3 months ago i found a site that actually had quite a few varieties of doodles, mostly lab and golden mixes. but then there he was, well it wasn’t actually him but his sibling that I fell in love with. a sheepadoodle needing a home. while his bro ended up being adopted I was lucky that my prize became available-after being returned by another family whose dog did not appreciate the company of this rambunctious pup. it took months of convincing my partner that a dog was what I needed. he knows me. he knows that the last bout with animals ended up being his responsibility-as the children were there for the licks and love. and me-i typically become annoyed by dogs doing doggy ass shit. he warned, i persisted. i won. although I knew he’d be here forever, i went into this challenging myself to make a connection, to love, to be present, to adore, to care for and tend to this energetic pooch. 

since he was my dog, i got the honor of naming him. his name is Poncho. Poncho is the nickname given to my father by his beloved aunt that raised him when others wouldn’t or couldn’t. this felt like the right name for connection. each calling out is reminder of the sweetness of the little boy Poncho. the little boy that grew to be my father. my father. that loved and adored and cared for and tended to and protected me. Poncho, you have some heavy shoes to fill. Poncho, I love you!

I am an addict. There. I said it. I have had a few addictions over the years, but one of my most current pervasive addictions is media. Media of all kinds to include social media, social gaming, and even the news. I take fasts from social media yearly typically they last 100 days and sometimes when my phone tells me that my screen time is upwards of 4 hours a day. 

I am currently on a prolonged fast from social media. I left my platform of choice, Instagram, almost 90 days ago. I have a mostly defunct Facebook page that I recently started eyeballing with no real engagement. My lurking was mainly to see what my out of town family was up to, which I quickly discovered was not much really, or at least not totally divulged on Facebook, excuse me Meta.  I was also in that space to check out the happenings in the various therapist groups I joined back in 2019 when getting my practice started. I am now also fasting from Meta.

So, currently social media is tucked away on my phone, hidden from plain sight, and off of my home screen.  Since then, I have been dabbling more in the news and a pretty dissociative inducing game called Ball Sort. I have to say that my screen time is not down and after months of reading hot take headlines about goofy U.S. politics, mass shootings, and celebrity goings ons, I have found that I really delight in a good Buzzfeed article about anything regular people say about anything. You know the ones “39 Things Your Great Uncle’s Wife Did On Halloween”. 

it is really real. if ya don’t know now ya know! you can think all you want that the mind body (spirit) connection is a bunch of *crunchy granola* *hippie dippy* insert crystals, candles, and sage here* bullshit. but have you ever really paid attention? I mean really paid attention? check yourself out and see what, if anything, you can find. it is not hard for us to acknowledge the increase in our heart rate in anticipation, fear, and/or panic. the slight flutter of butterflies when we see our boo-thang (probably early on in our relationships), or the stream of tears produced when feeling a range of emotions from sadness to undeniable happiness! but there are other things lurking ever so vaguely or with an explosive force due to the interaction of our mind and body. the 3 ton person on your chest that can accompany anxiety and panic. the headache that comes in anticipation of a difficult conversation. ever get the runs before a presentation, under or overeat when feeling down? ever felt like your feet were stuck to the floor by 25 of those big chewed up gum-balls that used to be a quarter at arcades because you thought you were in danger?

hello, I am just like you, mostly. but i am also different, just like you. i call myself a therapist of mental health and i have been listening to and collecting stories all of my life. memories of my first collections came in the form of observations and engagement, just like now, without the book learnin’, evidence based practices, ethics, rules, etc. etc. etc.

I have not stopped talking since I started but this [being a mental health therapist] mostly ain’t that. the act of listening is definitely an art. I have learned it well mostly out of a curious spirit that has been stifled over the years as I have come to understand it, the curious spirit that is, as somewhat of a bad thing from others, but I still want to know.