I went way, way, waaaayyyy overboard. I’m sorry. This was supposed to be short and sweet and became a monster that wouldn’t let me go.
Zach started working at Buzzfeed.
Keith met Zach. It was love at first sight. Keith adopted him on the spot. (So did Becky, once she was introduced to him)
When Ned was pitching the idea of the ‘Try Guys’, knowing that he wanted both Keith and Eugene in the boat, they were left asking who could fill in for a fourth member, to compensate for all of their over-the-top personalities.
Keith suggested Zach. Zach didn’t even have the option of refusing. He used the sad muppet face. Zach is weak for the sad muppet face.
Ned met Zach. It was love at first sight. Ned adopted him on the spot. (So did Ariel, once she was introduced to him)
Eugene met Zach. It wasn’t love at first sight (though no fault of Zach’s - Eugene didn’t like most people). He mostly thought that no one was so much of a cinnamon roll in real life. Also, he was pretty sure that Zach was the most harmless person he’s ever met.
Then, Eugene got to know Zach, actually know him, and discovered that he was wrong about all of his initial preconceptions of Zach. So fucking wrong. He has a long list compiling the many reasons explaining how wrong he was, but, for summarizing purposes, he mostly groups them into six categories.
First, Zach was actually a precious cinnamon roll and too pure for this world. Didn’t have a mean bone in his tiny body, and even when he was a dick, it was always unintentional. If pointed out to him that he had been a dick, the guilt would eat him alive.
Second, Zach was definitely *not* harmless. No. He was fucking *dangerous*, and he had secret weapons and knew how to use them ruthlessly, even against hardened and cynical men like Eugene. The disappointed, sad eyes were the worst thing ever. *Ever*. Eugene hadn’t felt that bad about unintentionally hurting anyone in his life. Fuck Zach.
Third: Zach had this thing about hugging people. He loved hugs and cuddles, and had no qualms about forcing you to enjoy them.
Which lead to fourth: he had gotten Eugene used to his quota of hugs and physical affection. He even had gotten used to sharing his ‘Zach cuddling time’ with Keith, because Keith was also this gangly, tall, care bear that felt tempted to hug Eugene is he stood still for too long.
And which, unfortunately, also led to fifth: Zach came to rely on him, to confide in him, to be his friend, one of his best friends. It felt weird. It felt nice. It felt like Eugene wanted to hand Zach the moon and the sun on a silver plate and then slay a dragon – not actually slay, because Zach would get sad to see an animal harmed, but you get the drift. When Zach asked him – specifically him – to accompany him while he got his first shot with his new medicine, Eugene felt some kind of rush actually that disconnected him from reality for a couple of seconds. He hadn’t felt so honoured in a long, long time.
And, most disastrously, sixth: Zach adopted Bowie. Bowie was one of the cutest puppies in existence. Eugene did actually fall in love with Bowie at first sight and adopted him as nephew on the spot (and so did Pesto and Emma. Particularly Pesto).
No one can fault Eugene. Zach and Bowie together are too much cuteness to be born and come unscathed. He’s only human.
Summary: Eugene met Zach. It wasn’t love at first sight for did he adopt him on the stop, but that didn’t matter because Zach kept chipping at his cynicism and by the time Eugene realized, he was so soft about him he didn’t know what to do with himself.
Eugene is a hot mess and doesn’t quite know how to deal with it. Ned thinks it’s hilarious. Keith thinks it’s adorable. Their producer think’s it’s sad and pathetic and Eugene, you’re a sex god, put your shit together man. Zach doesn’t think at all because he’s the most oblivious idiot when it comes to these things, thank whatever deity looks out for messed up pansexual Korean men who have confused feelings for their best friends.
Adam commiserates with their producer: “I get you. I work with Steven and Andrew. I get you *so much*.” Their producer answers: “No, you only see them on dates. I’ve locked them together in a room. I’ve gotten them drunk. I’ve forced them to share bedroom – and bed. I put them on the fucking polygraph and requested that Keith and Ned interrogate Eugene about it, and try to make him jealous. Eugene takes him on dates on their free days. I’ve made them to rub oil over the others’ naked body. I’ve made them rub the oil while *drunk*. It’s past the point of sad. The point of sad is so far behind where we are know it’s not even a speck in the horizon.”
One day, Zach’s sister comes to town to spend a week with her older brother. Try Guys and respective wives are invited. They have lunch in a restaurant recommended by Andrew and Adam, and enjoy a good time. When Eugene drops them off at Zach’s house (Zach had drunk three beers and was in no condition to drive), she comments on how glad she is that Zach finally found love; he seems so much happier for it.
Eugene is crushed. Doubly: first, because Zach found someone (how could he not? He’s the most adorable being on the planet and he will fight you on this), and second, because he had no idea and Zach didn’t confide this in him.
While Eugene is internally having a breakdown, Zach is smiling happily (and drunk, he’s wasted), and has entered ‘babble mode’: “Yeah, Eugene’s the best boyfriend ever. He’s respecting my boundaries so much, having so much patience while I test things out and get comfortable with physical intimacy.”
Eugene is confused because ????? Brain is blue-screen-of-death-ing right now. Attempts to re-start are failing.
Zach kisses his cheek messily and stumbles inside, and his sister pats his shoulder smiling brightly. “He talks so well about you – He says you’re the nicest person he’s been in a relationship with. Also, the one with the best ass. Have a good night!” She smirks sassily (same sassy smile as Zach’s – oh, she must be devastating when flirting) and saunters inside.
And that is how Eugene, one day, realizes he’s been in a relationship with Zach for at least four months. He’d feel terrible about his own obliviousness if it weren’t for the fact that he’s so in cloud nine he’s initiating hugs with random people on his own.
Producer says it’s even worse than the pathetic pining from before: heart eyes Eugene looks weird as fuck on camera and the shoots take forever, because Eugene keeps trailing off while smiling mushily at Zach and they have to repeat every single scene at least thrice.
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