༷˚̣̣̣ ྀི 　　sa𓈒int

dotiredimgonba sleep

I want somebody to be sexual with me.

I sometimes question my motives with people. The way people expressed they wanted me, was by lust. If it wasn't by lust, then it was by harming me. My mind then it linked it towards that for a long time, and I still link it to those two, I find it hard to love something, or someone. When I try to express I want to grow a relationship or to get close, my mind shifts between how I was treated. I only know what I was taught, really. All my dating experiences were using my body, using me, harming me, cheating on me, hurting me again, making me spiral, and it's a cycle. When I stare at a new relationship I want, I just repeat those steps, and get confused they get offended or leave when I act on those. When people express love that isn't using my body or lust, I feel disgusted. I don't really find time in relationships to express feelings like those useful, and just force out a few simple messages, make a excuse to leave, and just leave for the day or for hours. When I try to push it into a toxic area, I get confused when they don't like it. I guess I'm insensitive, or dehumanized. I usually just don't care when they snap at me about it just let them leave and find somebody else for the things I want since they couldn't do it. I'd then just wonder what real love would be like, and try it. I'd get disgusted, go back to the old relationship seeking shit. Then I'd get annoyed of the repetitive toxic stuff, seek out somebody who thinks they can fix me. I just watch them struggle, and just act as if it'd last. None of them do. None ever will. It's like nobody will ever truly love me. I'd often count how many exs I'd remember, and my longest relationship, and just wonder why don't people want me. Why can't I be normal. I'd kind of just hate myself then. None of them makes it past a month usually. If it does, it's barely hanging on past a thread. Usually we last a week. My longest was a few years but he cheated, and it didn't feel real anyways. He never loved me truly and it was obvious. Plus I was at the time of life where I was discovering what being a teen was and my hormones, and what everything was, and the fact my disorders worsened. I already had PTSD as a child since.. Well. My childhood didn't want to be great as a toddler, and my father didn't want to make it easier after my moms ex boyfriend broke my limbs as a toddler. Then my step-dad. Then. My half brothers. It's like everyone wants to contribute to it, huh? I sometimes wonder what it'd be like to get rid of them or myself. Honestly, when my disorders were stimming from gens because both my parents had genetic disorders, and the fact I was developing from trauma already, it was a swirl of messes. Especially since that relationship was the one I learned to scratch at my body with because my friend told me to grab a shaver cause I wanted to be a wannabe emo. I slowly got addicted. Ripped all the skin off my arm and hand once. I remember she used to be the worst friend I've ever had when I got addicted to it, even told the whole school when I got addicted. I know it only spiraled. I'm surprised I even went worse with it because I hated the pain so much, and blood made me have panic attacks, and I knew that due to nosebleeds. I'd always start hyperventilating and panicking, and started to get in a triggered mindset.

I used to see men of the cross as something beautiful, as a holy sign, until I, myself, had seen what happened when that cross had tilted. Once it tilted, had the men shown sin.

I just got out the shower and wasn't really able to sastify what hit me from that response from him. I might do it right now even if my bedroom door is wide open. It's dark in my room and nobody pays me much attention, I just need to be quiet.. It's not my fault anyways. I feel like my life is being tugged around on a leash sometimes with how easily I buckle around certain people with just certain responses or words when I'm literally known for and have been told I often scare away people, or just genuinely can't hold relationships because of how I act because I'm either problematic, some creepy obsessive creepy stalker, or the fact I genuinely have no boundaries and will strip a person away from their own life just to have my way. I know my last ex said when we met, I scared him. I scared most of his friends from merely interacting with them, and I've barely said much. I often saw it as pathetic and just didn't interact with them due to that display. I don't see myself as scary, nor do I see how I'd come off as that way.

I might post my Chuuya tumblr layout as a f2u since I'm never using it again. I should do that with all mine, technically. After I use them.