The Illustrated Ray Hudson

Valdés "absolutely coughs it up" and it "pops to Benz, who's cooler than a bomb disposal expert with this finish."

"This is a gangster goal from Barcelona, and it's Xavi that's holding the revolver."

“Meanwhile, Pepe is in the locker room thinking 'and I got a yellow card for putting lipstick on a player?'”

"Big man, moving like a ballet dancer, there."

"Barcelona like a runaway steam train now and it's Cesc Fabregas who's piling the coal on, shoveling it in."

"Burger King boys Getafe say 'I'll have fries with this' tonight."

"[Real Madrid has] a great recipe but it's got to bring the bun out of the oven. It's got to be a nice cake in the trophy room this year."

"Take a picture of this, Cristiano, and send it to all your friends. Nice style from the Rudolph Valentino lookalike."

"Better balance than a Greek belly dancer on a surfboard, Marcelo."

"Messi ... the wonderful salmon rises out of the stream."

"Iniesta just performs miracles. He's like a clown's pocket. He just keeps pulling more and more out of it."

"Di Maria separates from the defenders easier than tissue on a toilet roll."