I woke up this morning and I think I have finally accepted that I’m not going to commit to transitioning. All of my previous posts were long the lines of I’m just going to be like screw it and transition but I have spent the last month weighing everything up a lot. I just know that deep down inside i’m never going to be satisfied with the person I become and so there’s not much point irreversibly changing myself for some semblance of happiness.

Yes I will still battle through dysphoria but I’m hoping this acceptance will help me cope with it and that I can finally close this door and just get on with my life. I’m going out Saturday night presenting female as one last hoorah and i’ll probably keep elements of my feminine lifestyle but for the most part, i’m going to close the door on this chapter of my life.

I might keep this blog around for a bit longer but I don’t think I will post much (Not that I did before). This blog served its purpose as an outlet for me so thank you to all those people I made connections with.

So long and good luck

I have recently noticed that i subconsciously avoid watching teen dramas or generally girly movies and it's taken me weirdly a while to realise this. I figured out that its not because I don't enjoy them but ultimately because it triggers my dysphoria an unbelievably large amount. I look at them and its a stark reminder of what I'm missing out on or have missed out on in my life by living as the wrong gender. I know it can often be a super hyperinflated view of reality but the general underlying crux of it is still similar.

On the flipside I can get through Rom Coms but I think that's because the feeling of loving someone is a universal feeling that everyone experiences.

Can we just discuss the dynamic of dating different sexualities/genders? I know i have touched on this before but im going to rehash.

I find dating gay guys so different and not in a good way? Literally most of the guys I talk to end up being so needy emotionally and so insecure that they need constant affirmation. It's like painfully needy tho. It doesn't help that I want to be the more femine one in the relationship either. Straight acting guys are so much better but are hard to find. Can I just have me a big strong man to love me?

I find dating cis girls better because I don't feel they are as painfully needy in that way or it's a different needy or maybe I just feel more dominant with girls and I hate being dominant with guys so maybe it's because of that.  I don't know but it always seems better.

I have never dated a trans girl/guy so I can't really comment on that side but I dont have any issues with giving it a shot.