“It’s fine I don’t need you anyways, I have an entire jar of Nutella.. and a spoon.”
“Now that we’re done fighting for our lives, it’s kind of like a bad sit-com.”
“I wasn’t prepared for that to hurt me in that way.”
“I’m not ashamed. At all. You have a good butt, ___.”
“I’ve been perpetually screaming on Twitter, but that’s nothing new.”
“I’ll admit, I get excited about water features.”
“I wouldn’t want you to adopt me if you weren’t fun.”
“My standard of people often is just, ‘Would ___ do this? Then they may be unstable.’“
“Sounds like something ___ would do.”
“How am I ever going to romance a newsie or a hockey player under these restrictions?”
“I require constant validation otherwise I talk to boys on Tinder.”
“___ SAID POLYAM RIGHTS!”
“Why would you go on any dates when I am already prepared to marry you?”
“I may be small and hate confrontation but I’m gonna throw down with the universe.”
“I am not alive, simply not dead.”
“THAT’S NOT FUNNY WHY AM I LAUGHING??”
“It’s 11am and I’m having an identity crisis, coffee is fun.”
“Guess why I wanna jump out a window this morning.”
“What if - hear me out - when we move, instead of getting a dog… we get an octopus.”
“___ owns my heart but ADHD owns my brain.”
“That’s going on my dating profile.”
“I need to learn how to cartwheel.”
“You can absolutely crush me at Mario Kart any day, sir.”
“My brain shouldn’t have rights.”
“THERE ARE TWO PAIRS. A PAIR OF PAIRS. THAT IS TOO MANY.”
“Guy on Tinder complimented my dog instead of me and I ain’t even mad.”
“That belongs on Twitter. Fuck. I’ve done it again.”
“I interrupted kink speak for this.”
“My mom roasted me again.”
“Whenever ___ sings I want to eat his fucking voice and absorb it into my body, trap it in a necklace like a sea witch. I just… Mmm…”
“___ is majoring in DISASTER MANAGEMENT in FLORIDA and I’m speechless.”
“You ever listen to Hozier just to feel an emotion?”
“APPARENTLY the way I text is INTIMIDATING to SOME PEOPLE.”
“Anyway not to expose myself but I really thought you were gonna call me a power bottom.”
“Having your toes licked is very weird and I do not enjoy it.”
“This is awful… Do you wanna do it?”
“____ is going to superhell.”
“I am so emotional about this bastard man.”
“I am going to push you down a flight of stairs.”
“That is my emotional support gang leader.”
“I WANT TO LEAVE THE ROOM BUT THE ROOM IS MY BRAIN. WHY DO I GOTTA BE STUCK WITH MYSELF FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?”
“The universe may be speaking to me.”
“Please date me. I have no redeeming qualities but please?”
“I swear the only reason I believe in God at this point is because there are too many weird fucking coincidences in my life I know that bitch has gotta be fucking with me.”
“Just tried to turn my laptop brightness down with the volume keys again, things are going well.”
