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@ill-fitting-parts
Idk man vent blog ig and a place to talk about my life while also being anonymous
So call me whatever you want, masc pronouns and I'm an adult
Sign-offs are for personal organisation I do not have DID :/ even tho I sometimes mention "parts of me"
That's all folks :))
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Weird feelings again
If I don't think about who I am I feel empty and nonexistent. Like "me" just isn't.
However when I do think about it it's wrong. And I know it's wrong.
So I'm either nothing or wrong.. yay
Sure there's the option to pick the wrong one and just ride it out until it's over.. but I'm afraid that'll mean losing my progress. And going back to the bad coping mechanisms by believing in a made up thing
Anyways... yikes
Brain so weird... why do you lose all sense of identity after the "afterwork relax bath" ???
Like... Fuck it I'm out type thing
And then I gotta scramble and grab an identity to get on with my evening. Because otherwise I'll be stuck here for hours on end
Well... I don't consciously pick an identity
Sometimes it just comes in naturally. But sometimes I gotta think like.. okay logically what identity would my brain choose for this situation?
If that makes sense
And the worst part???
The roster of "afterwork identity" has 3 choices
1. Evil harmful evil 2. Gay horse 3. A child
So it's like... will I 1. Go do something I'll regret and worry about later 2. Extensively research niche topics while thinking about women 3. Watch SpongeBob with my stuffy
Love how this had a point at start and then just turned into a diary entry π
One evening I'm reading the bible
The other I'm posting on shtwt
But sure
That's just a very normal "parts" thing that is definitely within the norm
Though I will admit me remembering... slightly.. what I did yesterday undermines my argument
Maybe I truly am normal
I ain't reading allat but geez I guess I had a difficult evening yesterday. Remember like none of it. Ig this shitty ah memory is good for smth
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Journaling entry
I'm meant to protect from harm. I was raised this way. I was made this way. My job is to keep me safe. If I must I will bite. Those who threaten my safety. And I was made to obey as well. Because that meant safety, not comfort. But you must prioritize.
I feel better now. It did help to let things just play out and let my brain do what it needs to do. To feel better. I understand the disappointment from the last post I made but I don't feel any of it. I understand the thoughts and feelings but sometimes you need to do things that are necessary. If they help. Let them be. If the choice is between pain and discomfort or disappointment in myself and worry. I'd choose the lesser evil.
(high-key not doing fine rn so I need a distraction...in the form of writing my thoughts out)
I need to resist. I NEED TO FUCKING RESIST. I can't keep doing ts. I can't keep pretending to be somebody else when I'm feeling like shit. I can't keep fucking pretending. I don't want to keep pretending. I've been doing this for 5 years. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of these delusions I've convinced myself of. I do NOT have DID. I do not. Period the end. So I need to fucking resist using this as an escape. I literally cannot afford to fall back. I've been clean since December. I've been .. idk my brain is a mush rn but I've known what I am not since December. I put everything behind me. I closed this chapter. But fuck me does it want to reopen. But no, I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot I fucking cannot let it. Please somebody help me.... I need someone here. I can't do this alone.... But it also like... Actively hurts trying to push it away. Trying to stay "me" .. whatever that is. It feels like my head is exploding... genuinely. This is bullshit man... "Ooh look at me I'm a delulu guy who thought he has DID for so long his head hurts when he's trying to live in reality".. idk man my vision is getting blurry too like wth.
Ooooh look at me I'm so evil I'm gonna cut myself to anger the other mes
Jokes on you I got the power of scar cream and years of aftercare experience on my side
Fighting my demons fr fr XDD
...πΈ π ππ ππππ πππ ππππ πΈ ππππ
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πΈ'ππ πππ ππ πππππ, πππ ππ πππππ
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π°ππ π’ππ'ππ ππππππ π ππ πΈ ππππ ππππ...
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Mfers don't understand I'm not healing for them
Fuck you think will happen if the main "evil part" heals? Another one shows up, duh. You're not in therapy...not for this at least. You are under so much stress every other day. You don't have any good coping mechanisms for this possible disorder.
In other words. You're fucked either way. So put up with me or risk someone worse. I'm at least playing nice and going by your rules.
It's so fascinating how this is a part of me.
I feel so full of love and good things. And there's him... I understand he's the "intrusive thoughts personified". But his worldview and everything is so very opposite of mine I don't understand it.
How are you me, just as I am? How is there so much hate and wrong within me?
Wish he'd talk to me... maybe I could help somehow
"when I grow up"
But my idea of my future at around 12/13 was
"I'd be okay with getting killed when I'm like 16... and then, if not, I can kms at 18"
Mfers don't understand I'm not healing for them
Fuck you think will happen if the main "evil part" heals? Another one shows up, duh. You're not in therapy...not for this at least. You are under so much stress every other day. You don't have any good coping mechanisms for this possible disorder.
In other words. You're fucked either way. So put up with me or risk someone worse. I'm at least playing nice and going by your rules.
I feel so weird... Why am I here right now?
I mean I know why logically. But I shouldn't be..
And it's making me feel so off, so not like myself, and that's just gross and wrong :/
Gonna indulge in my hobbies and hope it helps
Yk it's getting bad when you have to hide razors from yourself
Like wth man? I thought I was chill about this after my last therapy sesh
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It likes the blood
The blood makes it feel free
It likes the blood
Blood looks nice
Blood feels nice
The blood makes it feel nice
It likes blood
Blood red warm pretty free good feel nice
It needs more
It can't have more
It takes a bit of blood
For now
It is satisfied
Just realized why my mom liked me more when I was sick
She always used to say "you act so much nicer when you're sick, I wish you acted like this all the time"
I wasn't nice... I was docile, I was quiet
I had no energy left to do anything