you are so lovely💭

a lot of love and a lot of worry inside me

Been in a headspace lately of missing everyone and everything ever but in an accepting way where I think the future will somehow be better even if I only have a vague outline of how it will look. I miss building fires and kayaking and hanging out at the skate park and drinking beers by the river and driving along the rocky coast line and living alone next to the ocean and baking bread in a snowstorm and off-roading on the beach and getting diner food alone or with someone I love and fly fishing and standing next to a waterfall and I miss you and you and you and I love doing this sober thing even though I cry literally so much and I can’t wait to keep traveling and go back to school and I’m happy for now to drink tea with my ole girl cat sleeping on me and I feel lonely but in a way where I’m unbothered because I met and said bye to a lot of people places and beds the past several years so for now I’ll buy a criterion channel subscription as a late birthday gift for myself and keep sleeping a lot. Because it feels good

You have to take into account where you started from. Especially when something doesn't work out. Lately I've been thinking about how the goal for some of us at this point isn't the big dreams, it's about being intact. And that's so much, it's more than enough, it's actually the biggest thing. If you went through hell in early life and you're able to wake up and drink your glass of water and check your schedule and go to work and take a bath when you're sore or sad and go to bed when you're tired, the rest will come. I get better at rationalizing the doom spirals and looking at things in terms of chunks of time - do this for 3 weeks, live here for 3 months. And I'm deeply proud of myself for being able to hold it together like that. It’s become a win instead of a loss because I know how hard I worked to get here

Christmas 🎄: depressed in a festive way