bienheureuse

I have become a fifth paragraph in my own life. I am always craving attention, and seek it endlessly. I want to fulfill that destiny I have for myself, to be the star of my own story, to be someone that the people I respect, respect.

I seek validation, that I am important, that I am worthy, that I am strong. I always thought that I was strong but my walls have gotten broken and broken and broken over and over again. Every time I thought I was right and I came marching in with my bulletproof argument, I was shot down, I was wounded by my own logic, my own words, my own rationale and my own mere existence so much so that I wanted to disappear into thin air. And now I wish I was air. Particles that float - not aimlessly at all. 

I want a narrative, a heroic stance, the ability to say I am fed the fuck up and to know in my heart of hearts that I am right. But what I have done to myself, has shaken me in a way that I can simply not imagine recovering from in the near future.