is this thing still on ?

gd's comeback last year felt so special and made me rethink about how i used to loooove bigbang and how much joy it brought to my teenage years. but honestly since then, and it might sound controversial, but i'm kinda tired of pretending i don't miss how things used to be 10 years ago. not trying to start a whole ot4 ot5 discourse obviously but i'm just really sad about everything that has happened and it's hard for me to feel excited about bigbang's comeback with just 3 members. and i feel like sr's scandal makes it impossible to express nostalgia. and i understand it but i also hate how we can even mention the past without all the awful things that happened after being brought up and without being perceived as ot5 (for the record am i not!!)

bangchella was awesome and all but to me hearing the songs cut in half is just :((( idk.. underwhelming ? i think it was more exciting to see their solo stuff (daesung's was especially enjoyable cause i think he's such a great performer) while also being delusional that top would suddenly appear out of nowhere..!

i just remember that as a teen, seeing bigbang live was one of my biggest dreams and after stanning them for more than half of my life this dream has never been so close to being achieved but yet it really doesn't feel all that exciting ? or im just really conflicted. cause im not gonna lie on top of everything i'm also having troubles moving on from that gd tshirt scandal a few weeks ago and pretending that he has not been hugely problematic before (and that ksh thing today like wtf?) and i'm also overall kinda sad that this whole slur scandal was just reduced to "black people were offended" as if you need to be black to feel disappointed when your idol does something racist ? and how people always manage to make excuses when something like that happens is also weird to me. kinda disappointing but maybe i'm too woke lol. and i'm also feeling kinda uneasy about dr luke producing a track on taeyang's new album..

also seeing how the fandom is in shambles now and always tearing each other apart is heartbreaking cause if i remember correctly back in the days vips were known to be the "chill" fandom LOL. and when inevitably bigbang announces their world tour idk if i'd want to go or not. i think i would still feel super excited to finally see them live for like old time sake i guess and also cause it might be a once in a lifetime opportunity (i'd have fomo if i don't go probably) but i feel like it's just one disappointment after another these days and the timing is just awful. cause despite everything i don't really see myself not listening to their music anymore so i guess i'll just remain a casual fan and not an actual stan? kinda like following them from afar ? which is so weird to me cause gd really used to be the only idol i thought i'd stan for the rest of my life. even when i drifted away from kpop, stopped using tumblr and my social media for a few years i was still keeping up with whatever gd was doing. maybe this is a reminder for me to never stan too hard to avoid being disappointed in the end?? but it's so hard not to be sucked into it lol.

anyways i feel like i need to change my url but i've been overthinking it for weeeeeekks i can't decide on anything. idk.