Totally only did this for Brooke

So right now I am sitting in my second class of the same system for the same school that I have to do every day of the week, like many of you. I don’t know what to call this, maybe an autobiography talking about why and how I am still here. This will be emotional and triggering at times, although of course I encourage you to read it. I can’t quite keep a steady reason on why I’m writing this, I guess  the main thing would be that i’m quite unpredictable at times and can’t really tell you I’ll be around much longer, and I want people to have a better understanding of me as a person before I leave forever, I am posting this on Tumblr as a easy way so people can go back and find it if they really want to. All I know i’m damn sure not doing this for enjoyment since I wrote this fucking paragraph on 9 different sheets of paper. So, crack open some pop, or soda whatever you want to call it and take a few out of your day to read about my rather unfortunate series of events in my personal life that made me do some of the things Ive done. Ultimately, this is an apology for those of you that were impacted by me, so read carefully and remember this will get depressing, rather quick.

So of course I should start with my childhood as it would make the rest a lot easier to understand, I was born in Pompano Beach Florida. My childhood was the best part of my life by far, most of the days were spent playing outside with my old friends that I probably havent seen in 7 years, Sarah and Anthony. Sarah was by far the closest person I was with. I have to feel bad for Anthony though, I remember the first day I met him. He had to be younger then Sarah and I.  They moved 3 houses down from me, Sarah and my mom and myself were chilling on the porch eating apples. His grandparents basically introduced him. Later on I figured out that his grandparents took care of him because his parents took drugs and died in a car accident. A few years after I moved, my mom told me she saw him in the hospital because his grandmother got so fucked up on drugs that when she went to get out of the car, she opened the door and plopped out and hit her head on the curb, she died that night.  

Other then playing with my friends all day, I didn't mention my brother. My younger brother Gavin had to be the most important and impactful influence of my life by far. Gavin was one of a kind, literally. He lived with mastocytosis and Zollinger Ellison syndrome aswell as several other bowel diseases. He was and still was the only person with those diseases combined, Doctors couldn't find a cure, nor nurses from across the world, nor cancer researchers. His whole life was spent in the hospitals. Everyday after school I would visit him on the way home for countless hours until night. He was smart as hell and loved damn near everything, he was my life.

On February 2, 2015 he was put on life support, I was in the room with him of course. He kept talking about all the stories that I told him at night. It was easy to tell that he was dying. When he talked it sounded like he had barely enough breath to push the words out. The whole time he was holding my hand really tight like he was about to fall off a cliff. This might sound strange but holding a kids hand is the cutest thing because their hands are super small and soft. Anyways, the last thing he said was "Will I be okay?" of course I said yes. Shortly after a few minutes of silence he was getting noticable more pale. Time began to really slow down like really, slow. Sounds became faint and muffled, I left his grip loosen and heard the heart monitor make that long dreadful beep we all know from the dramatic movies, no that sound is real. Thats all I heard, I might have passed out, I don't really remember what happened after that. All I remember after that was sitting in the same chair I was in, opening my eyes from what seemed like hours of darkness. I sat in the same chair all night until morning, staring down at the floor thinking about all the lost memories, crying and hearing his voice ever so often.

That was the turning point in my life. And also the point in the story where my hand is aching like fuck.

So I began suffering from major depression, and insomnia struck aswell as my many insecurities, Boy are there many of them. I started trying to find a way to seek more people to talk to, I went on a website called Meez which is basically a dumb chat room where you have your own avatar and shit, I wasn't into it but if it meant I got friends thats all I cared about. I met Brooke while she was dating a fake guy that was in reality a girl and faked many other people aswell. But I became good (good) friends with her under a alias, mainly because I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and I'm still not, because we see how many friends I get being myself. Not many. After about a week, I came out to her and showed her who I really was...

I'm going to cut the bullshit and go straight until we started dating. You know the saying, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL YOU LOSE IT BLA BLA BLA. Well sure as shit that's true. I still believe to this day that Brooke is and was the only person that could put up with my bullshit. She could stay up talking with me until we basically fell asleep and I do miss that. And honestly, I really hate myself because I don't have that anymore. She moved on though, and has a boyfriend now. I would say i'm happy for her, but I'm more jealous then anything.

The relationship we had had good and bad moments, I knew I had to break up. I wanted (want) a real life relationship instead of a texting and skype one, and she knew that. We broke up, I still miss her a shit ton and really want someone that can make me as happy as she did and deal with my dumb bullshit. I do have Kadie, but she doesn't stay up past 10 which doesnt go well with my insomnia at all, I spend many nights alone.

So I attempted to kill myself a total of 8 times this year. I remember writing each death note, the minute I attempted suicide I felt instant regret each time I attempted. Whoever is reading this, don't try to kill yourself from a lack of friends or company. I still don't know the reason for writing this, probably won't have one.