loved the stars too fondly

✘ ♕ ✘ "I never said you were scary," Ilya replied teasingly. His thumb absently stroked Shane's cheek, moving over the freckles that he'd fallen so hard for all those years ago. He truly loved this man and that idea is what really scared him to his core. They could never actually be together, not with their careers and certainly not while Ilya still carried a Russian passport. At the same time, it seemed as though it was now proven that they couldn't be apart, either. In some ways, being with this man was a matter of survival, but for Ilya, it was deeper than that. It more than just the need of the blood of a loved one. It was love, the kind he'd never felt before.

Soon Shane was rambling an apology and it tore at his heart. Yes, Ilya had been hurt, but he also knew he was partly to blame for it all. More than anything, he just wanted to put the memory of the last couple of months behind him and move on. "I know, it's okay. I pushed. It's..." Ilya trailed off as Shane continued on.

Then he said something wholly unexpected. Ilya still didn't know a lot about the yuni-onna and their habits. Given that Shane was only half a one, he didn't didn't display most of the ice demon traits, and he certainly didn't know that he could feed on someone. Ilya certainly wasn't worried about it, or even afraid. He hadn't been hurt (physically speaking) that afternoon, though now it explained the intense feeling of cold he'd felt in his body as they kissed.

' no, you never said that, ' shane teased in return. he would happily sit in that room and trade gentle barbs and teases between the two of them. he had missed this. he had even missed ilya calling him boring. more than anything, shane had missed ilya. the warmth of him, the comfort that just his presence provided. shane wanted to burrow into ilya's side and feel the warmth that was always just the perfect counter to shane's natural chill.

again, shane let himself be led, this time to the bed. and this time, he didn't let go of ilya's hand. maybe this would be the last time ilya would hold his hand. maybe the russian would find out that shane was unintentionally killing him and want nothing more to do with him. so, shane would take all the contact he could get until the moment ilya withdrew it. and until then, he would explain. as much as he could. because ilya deserved to know. ' i don't know everything. i-- i couldn't tell my mom everything when i asked her about it. ' she'd asked about circumstances, and shane had lied. he had let his mother believe that he had accidentally fed on rose.

' yuki-onna, a full one, survive by feeding on the life energy of humans. usually by luring them out into snowy forests and, well, kissing them to death. ' that was how his parents had met. yuna had been visiting canada, and found david hollander in the woods. there had just been something about him that she hadn't wanted to kill. ' we always thought i just wasn't enough yuki-onna to need to do that. i've always just eaten normal food. ' well, as normal as his high performance diet could be. ' my mom thinks i just needed time to mature, that the yuki-onna side of me just needed time to develop. ' shane had his own theory, one that had everything to do with ilya. and, specifically, with ilya feeding on him for years.

he realises, belatedly, that weibe will want to talk is probably the wrong thing to say --- or, at least, the wrong way to say it. weibe will want to talk to bastian, but it won't be anything more than a check-in, a reassurance. weibe is a good guy, a kind man.

was he having a panic attack? it felt like he had been having one long simmering panic attack since he'd woken up to the trade news, to haas' comforting text, his former captain's hollow apology. and, fuck, he'd been doing well in practice, and there had been part of him that had been so sure he would make them see that it was a mistake to trade him. he'd been so angry, so determined to make them regret. and instead he'd just proved them right.

' still learning? cap, knowing which goal to put the puck in isn't something i should need to learn. ' but he didn't pull away from rozanov, let himself be folded into the embrace. he felt like a little boy being comforted by his father after a hard game. he didn't want this team to hate him. there was something about ottawa that made him feel accepted. he hadn't exactly been hiding that he was bisexual and none of them had ridiculed him for it. the social media guy, harris, was even gay, wore the rainbow proudly. he was more at ease in ottawa than he'd even been with san francisco, but now he might have cost his new team the game.

his   gaze   dipped   down,      unable   to   help   himself   from   looking   at   ilya's   mouth   and   then   there   was   a   hand   lifting   and   he   felt   himself   behind   held   still.      it   wasn't   forceful,      never   was   when   it   was   ilya;      and   shane   stayed   without   a   single   word.      the   kiss   settled   something   within   him   but   also   had   his   heartbeat   rising.      briefly   he   wondered   if   this   feeling   would   ever   fade   and   then   hated   himself   for   putting   that   thought   into   his   own   mind.         ❛❛   you   want   to   watch   me?   ❜❜         he   repeated,      as   though   he   hadn't   just   heard   those   exact   same   words   come   from   ilya   himself.         ❛❛   okay.      win,      lift   that   cup   over   your   head,      and   you   can   watch   me.   ❜❜         he   swallowed   and   leaned   in,      another   press   of   lips.      he   thinks   he   could   get   drunk   on   kissing   ilya.         ❛❛   i'll   do   anything   you   want.   ❜❜                              

' mmmmm, you love that i am an asshole, ' he teased, giving shane another kiss. taking another kiss. he would never tired of kissing shane. if asked, he would retire from hockey and just be on call to kiss shane whenever he was asked. but he knew his love too well for that. the other man loved the competition between them just as much as ilya did. ' you will lift the cup, geroy moyego serdtsa, but i think i will lift it first. this year for me, next year for you, and then we trade every year, yes? ' yes, ilya knew it wouldn't be that simple, but it was a nice fantasy. but there was a deeper fantasy, one of them hoisting the cup together. they had been cast in this production of the mhl as rivals, but ilya would see them on the same team someday.

so he'd done the most logical thing he could think of and called his mother. yuna had been an absolute mine of information since shane's kitsune had emerged in 2009, answering many of shane's questions as an when they came up and giving him advice on things he'd have no hopes of navigating otherwise. so it was to his mother he'd turned today.

' good to know, ' she nodded, smiling softly. she wasn't worried about hockey sticks. she was worried about whatever was making her son look so worried. almost guilty. she would do whatever she needed to in order to help her son, to ease some of the worry shane felt. yuna reached over, folding one of shane's hands in hers, holding tight as she always did when she listened to her son's fears.

so far, two pieces of news had gotten out. one: he was gay. two: he was dating someone in the league. and so far there had been a lot of speculation about who it was, but shane was keeping his mouth shut. he hadn’t had a chance to talk to ilya yet. hayden had bravely fallen on his sword, claiming that he was shane’s mystery boyfriend. no one believed that the happily married man with four kids was shane’s secret lover. for now, shane sat in the stands in the rink, huddled in his jacket, watching other players skate. the all-star game was this weekend, though it wasn’t feeling as festive as it usually did.

’ not really feeling like chatting, ’ he said, hearing the other person approach. he didn’t even bother to look at who it was.

✘ ♕ ✘ Despite Shane's insistence that he's fine, Ilya still pulled him into the bathroom and sat him down on the closed toilet. He wet a wash cloth and gently wiped away extraneous blood that dripped down the other's neck. The wound was already healing of course, but Ilya still couldn't help but feel a little guilty. It was far more blood than he'd ever taken from Shane before. From anyone before. It was also the roughest he'd ever been and he knew that it had to have hurt.

He was careful and attentive as he cleaned Shane up. Some red had stained the collar of his shirt, making Ilya once again feel bad for losing control like that. Now that he'd admitted the true reason why, he made a promise to himself to never let it happen again. "Yes, we will talk," he agreed, having so much that he wanted to say.

Feeling the cool touch on his cheek stilled Ilya for a moment. His eyes closed as he leaned into it, letting all the guilt melt away. It was a touch that he'd craved for months, and fear he'd never again have the privilege to feel. "Da. Yes," he answered softly as he nodded. That was when he remembered how hot it was in the room. Instantly his eyes snapped open and pulled back. "Blyat! Hold on, Hollander." He left the room and went to the thermostat, turning it down as far as it would go. The AC unit in the room roared to life, working to catch up. It would surely be a couple of minutes, but Ilya was confident that soon enough, the room would be freezing and perfect for his Yuki-Onna.

shane followed, he sat on the toilet, he let ilya clean him up and fuss over him. shane liked being taken care of, he liked ilya's attention on him, the way his hands were soft and gentle. it made shane want to purr almost, made him want to lean into the touch. and he did lean into it, pressing just a little against ilya's touch. was he a little looser because of how much blood ilya had taken? maybe. but it could equally be tied to shane's new desire to feed from ilya. or the heat of the room. or it could simply be that he was happy to be back in the russia's presence. he had missed ilya. fuck, he had missed ilya so much.

he felt ilya lean into his touch in the same way he had leaned into ilya's, and that spark of hope in his chest burned a little brighter. they could get through this. shane could properly apologize for running away, for feeding on ilya without permission, and they could fix what shane had broken. and maybe they could actually move forward. ' good, you looked-- ' but then ilya was cursing and pulling away. a small noise of protest slipped out of shane, increasing as ilya fled the room. shane stood, intending to follow, and paused at the doorway of the bathroom. he watched ilya fiddle with the thermostat, and then the air conditioning roared to life, pushing out cool air. it wasn't an immediate fix, but the room would get cooler.

shane's mom. shane's mom knew about ilya. shane's parents knew their son was with ilya and hadn't chased him away from their darling perfect son. ilya felt a flash of hot anger, rage at being unable to remember what his relationship was like with the hollander family. did they get along, or was ilya tolerated because shane wanted him around? but the amusement lifting the corner of shane's lips drove ilya to distraction. distracted enough that he fell back into old patterns, leaning in to kiss that smile, letting the kiss linger just because he could, because he wanted to. ' i think i probably let you pick, ' he admitted, shifting to kiss shane's jaw, and then his cheek. he would've been happy with whatever house shane wanted.

the kiss is too brief really to be a distraction from what he's expecting.

was this what had pulled him toward hollander in the first place? he'd been out in that parking lot, thankful there was just enough cloud cover that the sun wasn't uncomfortable, and hollander had shown up. and ilya had been entranced. he rarely saw a man so beautiful, those freckles like stars that ilya desperately wanted to trace into constellations. but then he was talking and ilya was reminded that he was meant to be a young hockey player, not a vampire. thinking back, was it the freckles, or was it the sense of other that he could now clearly feel from hollander?

and the sense of other is like a giant neon sign the moment hollander's blood hits ilya's system. fuck. fuuuuck. blood, at best, had vague flavor profiles. shane's blood was different. at first it felt like a lightning strike, burning ilya from the inside out, and then it settled into a warm summer breeze, gentle against his cheeks. ilya curled in, one hand gripping the back of hollander's neck, fingertips brushing through his dark hair, keeping him close, the other arm around his waist, pulling them flush. ilya took only three pulls of blood, but then let his fangs linger in hollander's neck, letting the venom build so hollander would be riding the high of the endorphins, so he would be less likely to notice what ilya did next. which was pulling his fangs back, kissing hollander's neck and lapping at the blood the escaped the punctures as they healed over. nothing was left but two pinpricks that would only be visible to someone with better than human vision.

was there a chance hayden hadn't seen what shane had been doing? surely he didn't curse and drop his stick just because the puck shane had hit found the back of the net. it wasn't hard to make a shot when they were no defensemen and no goalie. so, no, it wasn't because he'd sunk the puck. and the look on his face, shocked and a little awed-- yeah, hayden had absolutely seen shane's extra talent.

lie, hollander, lie!

shane skated over, next to the boards but not leaning on them. his old coaches had drilled it into him don't lean against the boards, hollander! if you slip, you'll crack your head on the edge! except that it was nearly impossible for shane to slip on ice. not when it was part of him like it was, an extension of himself even through the material of the skates. ' how did i what? hay, you've seen me make shots like that a thousand times. '

for the love of everything good, lie BETTER!