I probably contain extraterrestrial DNA.

If I knew a way to end it all without making my family cry, I wouldve done it almost eight years ago.

First big depression episode in quite a long time. I forgot how much I jump to worst case scenarios in my head alllllll the time and how everything is always me not being good enough.

Was I wrong? Again? Have a good life.

Those are the lies that hurt the most, I think... the ones about something you considered small. Maybe, the fact that you were lied to about something "small" means it's a lot bigger an issue than you would've thought.

I got my hair cut today, so my only day off this week wasn't wasted. Then, it stopped mattering cause you lied to me for the first time...so now, I feel like the month I've known you might have been wasted time. Which really, really sucks... because I might have been falling in love with you.

Sometimes, I think if I was less hopeful about seeing a connection with someone Id be better at taking a hint instead of pushing it a point where someone I've grown to care about has to flat out tell me off. I don't want to be some clingy jackass, trust me.

I hate it when something small hurts you, and you know it's stupid to feel hurt by it. So, you tell yourself something like "It's no big deal" or "I really don't care" but something small deep in you does care. Every time you tell yourself it doesn't matter, it just matters more and that sore spot in your chest gets bigger and deeper. Sometimes, I wonder if that's the universe telling me that whatever happened was bigger than I realized. Except now it's all over and done with, so all you can do is hope that it wasn't a sign.

What do you do when you're given a strong reason to believe the two things you wanted to do most with your life are gone?

Twice, now, have I gone dress shopping with you for something you ended up wearing for someone else. I was asking for it the first time, trying to be your friend after our breakup, but the second time? We found that dress when we went to find you something for Les Miserables. Wouldn't have meant this much to me, if after 6 years of missing you, you hadn't called it a "date". An event you cancelled on me after I was going to spend a LOT on the tickets, but my sister bought them for my bday. Then you went out, and bought the dress I thought would look good on you...and you wore it for him. I haven't posted on Tumblr in years... but I had to get this out somehow, somewhere. It was eating at me, you can't know how painful that is for me. Especially now, when I'm already dealing with something massive and the prospect of never seeing you, or anyone, ever again.

I'm alive.