This little text will tell you about my feelings those never could come out properly. I've never been a good person. I'd say i'm a fallible man. We all have our imperfections. I'd tell you all my flicks but you would get old 'til we reach the end but you will know a few of them.
Let's start with a little story about a heart break. Dark and dizzy night, in a shared bed with two of my beloved people. One of them was my girlfriend, the other one was my best friend. I don't want to write down all the details because it still hurts as hell but i can tell you i've never felt myself so betrayed and sad before. The sorrow and agony was ripping me inside. I couldn't cry from the panic but in my heart, in my soul, in my brain i was crying, i was screaming in pain and fear. I feared because i had no clue what more was coming. Then i started to sob outside of my head. In the dark, lonely and silent. It felt like a demon from hell approached me and started to caress my heart then suddenly ripped it out, trampled it, spit on it then put it back broken. While that broken heart just came, my trust was gone. I lost trust not in them only but myself too. "How will i able to stand up from the ground after this?" "How will i feel again?" I didnt trust in my own self because i knew i was weak. After that night i felt i was small. Nobody cared about me in that moment. Nobody was thinking about me. Nobody was there to save me. Nobody loved me. I was nobody. It still makes me cry. When this happened i was 18 years old. Right before graduation. Imagine how i felt. I had to study, i had to attend at school but i couldn't. 6 months past, in a different city, new school, new neighborhood, new people around but still alone and betrayed without trust in anyone. I went to school vegetating at my school desk and thinking about what did i fuck up. I had some so-called friends at the university but i could never trust them. What if they would betray me too? What if they would hurt me? I couldn't have tolerated that pain again not even if it could've been a different situation. I didn't want anyone around me. Every single person was a risk of pain, risk of sorrow, risk of depression. I can surely declare people are mean. People are evil. People are selfish and fallible. They can run through anyone for their own achievements or joy even if it would ruin the other person's life. Just like they did to me. Alone in a big new city, without trust in anyone, scared and drunk most of the time. I was hiding behind my "I'm happy and friendly" mask but i could never open up for anyone. Nobody deserved it. Yes, it sounds like i was a selfish fuck too but i couldnt risk my heart again. It was torn anyway but i didn't want it to be ruined into dust. With that broken shit i still felt love for her even tho' she deserved misery and anguish. The next summer when i was 19 years old and i attended a music festival. I was recovering from my ruins and tried to make real friends who could understand me and help me through that shit. The event was at my home lake's beach. If you took a look around you saw only mosquitoes in your drink, in your eyes, in your mouth, in your ears. In the light of the lamps. There were like 1000 people and a hundred times more mosquitoes. Tried to enjoy the music at an alternative music tent and then someone came across. SHE was there, right in front of me. I just stood there like a tree and i tried to say a "Hello" or a "Go fuck yourself" but my lips couldnt perform a single word. She landed her eyes on me then walked away. There was no sign of recognition. She just looked at me like at a stranger. I was apart. Fell to the ground, was lying in an embryo position and cried myself into dreams in the middle of a festival. Thousand peopel was walking around and they just passed by me. At least they could've stepped on me or something to make me feel i was alive. I woke up one hour later and the whole place was empty. Everybody went home with their love and slept or had an after-party. I stood up, sweep my clothes to clean the dust off them, got in my car, launched the engine and headed back to the mentioned big city. I was drunk i wont lie. I was drunk, depressed, torn and betrayed AGAIN. Onehundred and twenty kilometers straight on the highway spent with crying and screaming. I felt the knife in my back again but i lost all the love for her. I felt anger and i wanted revenge. I wanted to punish her, to ruin her life, to ruin her. For her luck i havent seen her since that night again. I still have nightmares about that night in the bed. Still can hear those voices, noises. Still can see the ceiling, still can feel how my heart was beating. Still shed those tears in my sleep and in my awakening. I decided to move on. Well, sort of. I wanted to fix myself and start a new lifeful life. Wanted to be no more that nobody, wanted to be somebody. I was still wearing those scares, wounds but i learned how to live with them. Eventually i manahed to meet new people and found a new love. To be honest she wasnt that new because we knew each other since elementary school. She was in the forth grade and i was in eighth grade. We met at a street music festival when i was twenty years old. She was sitting at a roadside when i was around and our eyes met. Then i approached her like an old friend. I knew i was her crush back in elementary school but i didnt care. We had a very long chat and asked me if i wanted to go for a walk just the two of us. Of course i said yes. I liked her as i always did. She was gorgeous, smart and nice but i had no clue about her real intentions. After the street fest we started to date. Went out for a dinner, coffe, walk at the park and so on like real lovers. Every two days a date. We started to know each other very well. Stories, family, school, friends, lovers in the past, everything. After two weeks i asked her if she wanted to come to my place to watch a movie or something like that. I swear i didnt have any those kind of intentions but it happened. She wanted and i didn't want to resist. I kinda started to love her. At the end of that month, one day i finished the daily classes and called her what was she gonna do that afternoon but she didn't return my call. Didn't call me back at all that day. Next day she texted me. In that text i read: "I'm so sorry but it must have an end here. It's not you, it's me. Good Bye.". I don't want to repeat myself but a big fucking boulder of pain crushed me from above. I shrugged and put my phone into my pocket. Pulled out a box of cigarettes and a bottle of wine. I had a plan for that prevous night with her. Had wine in my backpack, candels, rose petals in a small plastic bag. Cooked the cig, broke the mouth of the wine and in my car, in front of the school i drank myself into dreams. I woke up next morning when police officers were knocking on my window to get off the car. So i did. They said i should not sleep in my car in a private parking lot and i told them i was a student of that school. They understood and left without any trouble. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to be with my friends. In harm, nobody was with me. Hypocrites everywhere. If you are happy they are around you. If you are sad and depressed they disappear. You are good for them when you are nice and lovely because you dont mean burden for them. Alone again, in a big city, familiar school, familiar neighborhood, familiar people everywhere. I wasn't that alone after all but still felt alone in my pain. One year later, my phone said i had a text message from an unknown number. She number 2 texted me and told me she was wrong. Very wrong. She regret everything and knew she couldn't turn back the time to fix our love. I was told she was a hunter at the moment and i was her biggest and fanciest trophy of them all. It made her torn after months and wanted to fix it but she knew it was too late. I told her the whole story of She #1 and she knew i was damaged so hard anyway. She did what she did. It felt so good to see her in agony but felt so bad at the same time. I missed her. Missed her blonde hair. Missed her smile. Missed listening to her music in her bed. One year older me wanted to go back in time to experience again those moments. I missed that self of mine with her. "No problem, i'm evolving. I can get through this again. Everything will be okay." I said to myself and eventually moved on. Still wearing these scars and wounds but they are parts of me, no matter what. They made me who i am right now. This rude, selfish, impolite asshole. I'm still trying to open up for the very selected few but sometimes they don't deserve it. Let's hope this will change but stay the same.
Even tho' i don't know your name, dear Reader, i opened up my soul for you just like you did and felt like in a really short time a friendship started to happen but i was wrong. As you could see i'm a sensitive person and i thought you deserved to why i feel like i do now. You made me hurt but it's totally okay. I don't want to force myself onto anybody. You are a really nice and lovely person with a very pretty personality. You will find the happy ending eventually if you keep this nice selfhood. I'm kinda a reddit nice guy but at the same time i'm not. I won't brag about you are a malicious whore who just plays with people and leave them sitting in their own shit becuase you are not. I won't lie, i never did. If you ever want to share thought with anyone you can find me. You might think i'm a fool who just messing around. You might be right, might not but one thing is certain. If i love in any way i do it really hard because just a very few people can be rewarded with this price. Time is relative. You can love someone after 5 minutes but there are times when you cant love someone after decades. Keep this in your mind. I learned this from a wise man and i will carry this philosophy with me 'til the end of my life.
Good Bye
