A Diary of Sorts

And it's amazing.

But it's made me realize that even at best, everything is still hard. And I'm always going to struggle.

I've finally filled so many holes, but the ones that are left are now gaping. I don't think I'll ever be able to fill them in this lifetime.

A bad dream in which I go meet with my friends to study, but end up just hanging out and he gets mad.

And when he wakes up, he’s sad and angry.

And of course, I can’t be there.

So, I promise to call tonight. I call him to show him the outfits i’m trying on for the ballet and he couldn’t care less. Then he starts talking about the politics and how much bernie is terrible candidate when he knows exactly how I feel. This goes on at least forever and a day until I mention how much the healthcare system needs to change because Dr. Ed is the most wonderful man in the world and is $20,000 in medical debt because his son has severe asthma.

And of course, his first question is, “Well, what are his expenses like? I don’t know the guy so like maybe his lives in an expensive house or something.”

Sometimes, I really can’t believe him.

I obviously get mad, so he changes the subject to kitties which is another sore subject and due to my irritation, I start going off about how he is incapable of putting down animals to the point of enabling abuse which of course isn’t gonna do any good, but I did it anyways.

Then, I just get really sad and admit that I’m overwhelmed with his constant sadness that I can’t do anything about due to the long distance which isn’t fair to him, but hell, it isn’t fair to me either! I am trying to balance so much right now and I cannot be in four places at once!! I can hardly do what I’m doing now!! And he’s so sad and I hear about it every single day and then I feel guilty and then I feel overwhelmed and then he reminds me AGAIN for the upteenth time that he’s SAD and he wants to SEE ME and he just LOVES ME SO MUCH BUT HE’S SAD AND SAD AND SAD AND SAD. WHEN DO I GET TO BE SAD? WHEN DO I GET TO BE NOT OKAY?

I know that it’d be better if I told him, but would it really? Or would it just scare the living daylights out of him and then I get the whole, “Are you breaking up with me?” thing and have to pull back so he doesn’t lose his mind. When do I get to be sad without consequence?

He told me that he’s okay, of course but I know he’s still gonna be sad. I know he doesn’t think that I consider him to be a priority in my life, but I just have so much sometimes. And it’s easy for him to not worry about whether he’s considering me a priority, because I’ve always been understanding when other things come first. But he’s always resented it when I choose something else over him. It might be completely subconscious, but it’s there. What am I supposed to do with that? God I just don’t know anymore.

I know he’s worried about me, but I can’t tell him how overwhelmed I am because the only thing that would help is to relieve the pressure and he just can’t do that.

Dr. Pyne said I should let him know if I need help, but what I am supposed to tell him? I can’t do what it required for your class because of my own poor time management and general lack of willpower? It’s not his problem.

Stuff is gettin tough. I wanna do better this semester but I dunno of I'm capable of that. I also wanna enjoy my senior year of college but I dunno if I'm capable of that either. I don't know about a lot of things.

In a dorm building I've already stay in

With the doors locked

And absolutely no right to be scared

I'm a goof