THE MENU ( 2022 )Â * sentence starters.
âplease donât smoke, itâll kill your palete.â
â(name), tonight is huge.â
âwhen you smoke, you ruin your abilityâŚâ
âis that gonna fit everyone?â
âyouâre fucking kidding, right?â
âwhat, are we eating a rolex?â
âcome on, letâs not ruin this by talking price, yeah?â
âjust go with the flow, let it be magical.â
âyou deserve this, baby.â
âyou know whoâs gonna love this? (name)!â
âfuck. weâre dicks, huh?â
âgreat. a power tasting.â
âtheyâll be wasted by the amuse.â
âlook at you on a gangplank in heels.â
âokay, well, itâs official.â
âtonight will be madness.â
âplease make yourselves comfortableâŚâ
âand avast, me hearties!â
âletâs hope sheâs seaworthy, eh?â
âboat jokes⌠weâre on a boat.â
âyeah. weâre on a boat.â
âhey, we got a famous person on board, huh?â
âhey, arenât you supposed to be running interference for me?â
âmake sure people donât bother me, then?
âgod, we both know you were not bothered.â
âi saw all his movies when i was a kid.â
âapparently, heâs a big foodie.â
âbeautiful. thank you.â
 âitâs one of his classics.â
âthe lemon pearls are made with alginate.â
âitâs actually fucking laughably good.â
âthink i prefer just the oyster, though.â
âplease donât say âmouthfeelâ.â
âtoo late. mouthfeel.â
âjesus, this is like prom.â
âyeah? i never went to prom.â
ââcause none of the cool girls like you said, âyesâ.â
âwell, fuck those bitches.â
âitâs a pleasure to have you.â
âyou gave my real name?â
âwhat about the paparazzi?â
âpaparazzi? weâre on an island.
âweâll endeavor to make your evening as pleasant as possible.â
âthat was really awkward, iâm so sorry.â
âdonât worry about it.â
âweâll just go straight to the restaurant, if you donât mind.â
âweâve seen the tour many, many times.â
âthank you. please follow me.â
âso, like, what are you working on now?â
âaw, hey, thanks for asking.â
âsee, people still know me.â
âwe have the bounty of the sea surrounding us.â
âout there, right now, we are harvesting scallops. youâll eat them tonight.â
âhey, harvest harder, me dude!â
âyeah, iâm a huge embarrassing foodie.â
âand iâm close, personal friends with the chef.â
âcan we pop in here?â
âdude, i read about one of these online.â
âcan i check it out?â
âbut please, do not touch our proteins. theyâre immature.â
âso, what happens if you serve it on the 153rd day?
âdoes all hell break loose, orâŚâ
âwell, i suppose the bacteria would introduce itself⌠to the consumerâs bloodstream and spread into their spinal membranes⌠after which point, he or she would become incapacitated⌠and shortly thereafter expire.â
âso, yes, all hell would break loose.â
âiâd like to work for her.â
âthis is where we live.â
âyou actually live here?â
âhere we are family.â
âwe harvest. we fement.â
âdinner is typically four hours and twenty five minutes.â
âitâs best that we all live here.â
âthere is food at the end of this, right?â
âisnât the GOAT the greatest of all time, though?â
âwanna take a picture?â
âjust⌠you should have the better view.â
âwell, i donât need a better view.â
âwell, the attention to detail, itâs like, fuck!â
âyeah, i noticed you didnât ask his name.â
âthis ongoing obsession with snow.â
âitâs officially a plague, and no one is immune.â
âi want to hear your pitch for the showâŚâ
âcome on. iâm trying to do a goodbye toast. can you please just let me do that?â
âi told you this two weeks ago.â
âweâre doing this? the âtalking about our livesâ thing?â
âme and (name) arenât good. itâs not good.â
âweâre pathetic, arenât we?â
âso itâs okay⌠that iâm not as into this as you are?â
âiâm sitting with the coolest girl here.â
âthey play with the raw materials of life itself. and death itself.â
âthat was beautifully put, (name).â
âi think iâm starting to get it.â
âi have to beg of you one thing.â
âand look around you. here we are on this island. accept. accept all of it. and forgive.â
âwe, the people on the island, are not important.â
âwhat happens inside this room is meaninglessâŚâ
ânature is timeless.â
âitâs just that i find it all very moving. itâs all so beautiful.â
âiâm pretty sure he doesnât even know about your existence.â
ârelax. just eat your rock.â
âoh, my god. for crying out loud. itâs not brain surgery, okay?â
âokay, so we go to italy, right?â
âi eat the cheese, and thenâŚâ
âthatâs a disaster.â
âwhatever. at least we can say weâve been here, right?â
âmy dad used to say that you buy the experience.â
âi mean, this looks like⌠a suburban landscaping.â
âis he gonna keep doing that?â
âbread has existed in some form for over 12,000 years⌠especially amongst the poor.â
âancient greek peasants dipped their stale, measly bread in wine for breakfast.â
âand how did jesus teach us to pray if not to beg for our daily bread?â
âitâs gotta be a bit.â
âare you fuckinâ serious?â
âheâs basically insulting you.â
âi know what a concept is, (name).â
âcall me the girl next door⌠but maybe there are some rules that you should give a fuck aboutâŚâ
âthis is all very clever, and i  didnât want to pull this card⌠but you know who we are, right?â
âi know who you are.â
âwe wonât tell a soul.â
âyou will eat less than you desire and more than you deserve.â
âthat is not what i meant, and you know it.â
âi am perfectly capable of deciding when i eat and what.â
âyou shouldnât be so fucking rude.â
âwhere do we know her from?â
â so, let me tell you a memory of mine.â
âi finally had to stab him in the thigh with kitchen scissors.â
âweâre not so smart when weâre young.â
âno, the pictures. theyâre all of us.â
âwhat the hell are these?â
âhow did you get these?â
âyeah, a fucking taco that might hold up in court.â
âstop talking and let me think, okay?â
âdid you just fucking snap at me?â
âyou do not send shit back to this kitchen, you child.â
âwhat did you just call me?â
âi called you a child⌠because youâre fucking acting like it.â
â(name), you need to apologise to me right now. you cannot speak to me that way.â
âactually, i can because, ding dong, iâm the one whoâs paying.â
âhow can i assist you?â
âwhatâs behind that silver door?â
âyou shouldnât be in here.â
âiâll ask again. who are you?â
âiâm (first name) (last name).â
âso, where are you from, (name)?â
âyou want the address for momâs trailer park, you asshole?â
âno, itâs not who you want me to think you are.â
âyou shouldnât be here tonight.â
âplease get the fuck out of my way.â
âhe aspires to greatness, but heâll never achieve it.â
âthere is no way to avoid the mess.â
âthe mess you make of your life⌠of your body⌠of your sanity⌠by giving everything you have to pleasing people you will never know. â
âwhat are you doing?â
âwhatâs wrong with you?â
âthat was a shock. i didnât see that cominâ.â
âitâs just part of the menu.â
âitâs part of the show.â
âthatâs a stunt? what was that?â
âthis is an exclusive experience.â
âit looks so damn real.â
âthis is just theatre, right?â
âhe just fucking shot himself, okay?â
âit looked very real, (name). quite real.â
âweâre leaving. now.â
âis something wrong?â
âthere is no boat to leave on.â
âthat would be very difficult without phone service.â
âiâll handle this.â
âwith which hand, (name)?â
âwith which hand will you handle this? left or right?â
âwhat the fuck are you saying?â
âcome on. leave the guy alone.â
âwhat the hellâs goinâ on?â
âdo you need assistance finding your seat?â
âthereâs a finger right there.â
âitâs not funny, lady! jesus christ!â
âthis is real, isnât it? i canât do it.â
âi canât do a hostage thing. i canât.â
âthen why donât you go talk to him?â
âbecause you know him, right?â
âbecause iâm a name-dropping whore.â
âyour husbandâs ring, madam.â
âi honestly think that this whole thing is just for our benefit.â
âthatâs why he texted me.â
âwhy are you doing this?â
âiâve served many (name)âs. youâre not a (name).â
âwhat the fuck does it matter?â
âyou were not a part of that plan.â
âwith us, or with them?â
âand then youâll let me live?â
âweâre all gonna die tonight.â
âso, the question is, do you wanna die with those who give, or with those who take?â
âthese decisions are importantâŚâ
âgod damn it. itâs not fucking fair.â
âyou smoke all day. canât even fucking taste it.â
âweâre cornered. letâs focus.â
âwait, whatâs the play here?â
âwhat are our options?â
âthe door is guarded⌠but that could be a play.â
âhey, guys. we gotta do something.â
âwe canât be cowards.â
âthis worked in a movie i did once.â
âwhen they bring their knives and forks, we just storm the kitchen, okay?â
âyou think we have better knife skills than them?â
âwhat other choice do we have?â
âfuck it. iâm gonna break this fucking window.â
âthereâs a saying. âsometimes all you need is a good cup of teaâ.â
âiâve found that not only does tea cleanse the palate, but it offers a soothing balm when facing some hard home truths.â
âbut before we continue⌠are there any questions about me?â
âi think i speak for everybody here when i say that⌠i wanna know⌠i mean, we wanna knowâŚâ
âwhy the fuck is this happening?â
âyou loved that i texted you an invitation for this evening.â
âit wasnât cod, you donkey.â
âand iâve been fooled into trying to satisfy people who could never be satisfied.â
âjust say how much, and weâll give it to you.â
âdo you hear that silence?â
âlisten, can you hear it?â
âand what have you decided?â
âi shouldnât be here.â
âall of this⌠is not meant for me.â
âyouâre not sure iâm brilliant, so donât say it.â
âiâm not sure that youâre brilliant.â
âi was expecting more.â
âi guess iâm gonna have to make your decision for you.â
âyou thought i couldnât tell?â
âi know a fellow service industry worker when i see one.â
âhow do you know him?â
âyouâve been eyeing him all evening.â
âyou donât rattle easily. so, how did he rattle you?â
âif we can find a boat, we can make a break for it.â
âinto the tranquil night air.â
âiâll send for help. first thing.â
âiâll leave you to it.â
âitâs getting chilly.â
âyes, well⌠there was a time that would have meant a lot to me, (name).â
âyou know, itâs the emoji for me.â
âdonât fucking run next to me.â
âyouâre running next to me!â
âitâs a big fuckingâ forest! fuck off!â
âare we all really dying tonight?â
âeveryone dying was my pitch, actually. iâm super proud of it.â
âanybody want any wine?â
ânot that you guys give a single, flying fuck⌠but my name is not (name). itâs (name).â
âhowâd you do out there?â
âi did great. i killed it.â
âiâm the only one who got away.â
âiâm sorry. iâm a fuckinâ failure.â
âiâve been stealing money from you.â
âi know. you ccâd me in on it.â
âtell me why youâre here.â
âand what were you told?â
âwhat were you told ahead of time?â
ââeveryone would die.ââ
âi seem to remember you had a date.â
âso, you hired her knowing sheâd die?â
âyou entitled piece of shit.â
âiâm gonna kill you, (name)!â
âyou canât blame her, can you?â
âyouâre not like the others, are you?â
âi have something for you.â
âiâm proud of you.â
âwhat do you need? we have everything.â
âshit? would you like some shit?â
âwe strive for perfection⌠which of course does not exist, and that is a hard truth for me to accept⌠so please forgive me.â
âand that concludes our demonstration.â
âdo you see a barrel?â
âlook, iâm not trying to sound, like, all whatever here or anything⌠but i just donât think itâs really fair.â
âdo you wanna know why youâre being punished?â
âi saw the film calling doctor sunshine, and i did not enjoy it.â
âseeing you again now haunts me.â
âwhat happens to an artist when he loses his purpose?â
âwhat school did you go to?â
âiâm sorry. youâre dying.â
âdo you think youâre special?â
âyouâve disobeyed this rule.â
âyouâve been a nuisance since you have arrived.â
âyou will not replace me.â
âhappy birthday to you.â
âyou told them it was my birthday?â
âseemed funny about three hours ago.â
âi am a monster. no, was a monster. and a whore.â
âand at last, the pain is almost gone.â
âi can no longer be hurt, (name).â
âas dr. king once said, âwe know through painful experience⌠that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor. it must be demanded by the oppressed.ââ
âdid he just quote martin luther king?â
âi see you found our radio.â
âdid you call someone?â
âwhy didnât you all try harder to fight back? to get out of here? honestly, you probably could have. something to think about.â
âcome on. clearly, thereâs a misunderstanding.â
âon your knees with your hands over your head. now.â
âyouâve betrayed our sacred bond of trust.â
âyouâve shown your craft to be careless.â
âyouâre an eater. youâre a taker.â
âi donât like your food.â
âfor starters⌠youâve taken the joy out of eating.â
âevery dish you served tonight has been some intellectual exercise⌠rather than something you want to sit and enjoy.â
âwhen i eat your food⌠it tastes like it was made with no love.â
âoh, this is ridiculous.â
âand the worst part is⌠iâm still fucking hungry.â
âyou know what iâd really like?â
âyeah, we can do a cheeseburger.â
âthe cheap ones your parents could barely afford.â
âamerican cheese is the best cheese for a cheeseburger⌠because it melts without splitting.â
âis the fryer still on?â
âone moment, please.â
âthank you⌠for everything.â
âi told you, you werenât leaving.â
âitâs everything wrong with us, and yet we associate it with innocence.â
âbut what transforms this fucking monstrosity is fire.â