mindless thoughts

And once again my feelings do not matter to you. Nothing I say will change your mind. Why am I even trying to hold on anymore???

I didn't know it was possible to have such pains in my heart after so many years. It is still broken by you, it will never be the same.

How after nearly ten years can you still have this hold over me without even knowing? I want to hear your voice, I want to know how you're doing. How don't you feel the same way? I don't understand. I want to understand. I do not think I ever will.

So it's happening again. Today should have been a happy day. Today should have been a good day. But it has not worked out this way. Instead I have spent the entire afternoon and evening with my partners parents, whom I am sure despise me. Who seem to gain a thrill by slyly putting me down and shaming on me, slyly suggesting I am not worthy of their "precious" son. I am not sure how much more I can take of this. I am not sure how much longer I can feel so unworthy whilst trying to plan a life with someone. Why are my actions always judged? Why am I always judged?

I just feel so sick with what's going on right now, Christmas is going to be a disaster. I feel awful.

There is still a hole in my heart where you walked out, even after all these years. Over six and a half years since I stopped meaning anything to you and you still cross my mind everyday. I still want to message and see how life is treating you, how your new girlfriend is and what degree grade you ended up graduating with. Part of me is always going to love you, no matter who you’re with, no matter who I am with. It breaks my heart not to speak to you. I just really miss you.