my life.

This year I was rejected more times than I can count. For jobs, in love, and life in general. I dealt with a lot of loss too, I loss my doggo, I lost my sense of who I was for a bit.. But despite all this, I can easily sit here and say... this year was one of the best of my life. That rejection from those other jobs in SF, led me to a great place to work. That loss in love, led me to a greater sense of self-worth and self-love. That loss of "family (my doggo)" led me to an appreciation of who I have still here on this earth.

If you know me at all, you know one thing about me - I am a hopeless, emphasis on hopeless romantic.

I can literally romanticize any male interaction that I have to mean something, even if I should be looking at the action as an opportunity to walk away.

For once I will express to you, the rawness of everything. 

If I were to describe my encounters here in the city so far, they would probably go something like this:

Guy #1: Dreamboat. Financially independent. Great job. Gentleman. Opens doors, pays for dinner, introduces me to his family: parents and siblings. But is “emotionally damaged” aka can’t commit. K...

Guy #2: Hottie. Also financially independent. Great smile. Also a gentleman, pays for dinner, kisses me good night. Wants me to be his girlfriend after the 2nd date. I decline, only because I want to take it slow. He flips a switch and becomes cray cray. Ghosts me one month, asks me to go to a Drake concert the next, only to ghost me again.

Guy #3: Cute. A little hood but a little bit nerdy. Kind of reminds me of the guys back home. Not that financially stable, but promising. Takes me on a couple of dates and then ghosts me as well. But continues to watch all of my IG stories consistently without saying a word. Alright homie..

Guy #4: I think if he wanted to admit that he was gay, we could totally be best friends. He asked me what my hair looked like up.. It was interesting. He gave me strong “I’m experimenting” vibes. A little too softy for my taste.. Next.

Guy #5: Tall, mestizo type. From Texas. What first seemed to be a gentleman quickly turned into an agressive creep. He kept inviting me to his apartment even though I said no like 5 times already. Gross. GTFO.

I hope one day you can open your heart how you did mine. I hope that one day you can let someone in, let someone see what makes you tick, what makes you glow, what makes you stir. I hope one day you realize how worthy you are of love. I hope that one day you can look into the eyes of someone and see something you’ve been searching for since God knows when. I hope one day you can open your heart how you opened mine.

You showed me this side of love that I didn’t think was real.

You showed me what my mom always told me to expect of boys but I always made exceptions for because I thought that boys like that didn’t actually exist. I thought my mom was just being “old school.”

But you showed me that “old school” is the only thing I can accept now.

Anything less I am just so turned off by. I can’t even give it a second-go.

I just want the kind of love you showed me... Only that kind.

Unfortunately, I think it came to a point where you knew we were gonna be something you’re heart isn’t ready for.

“I’m damaged goods,” you said, over and over. The words echoing in my head.

I don’t know exactly when, but you decided to harden your heart, force the distance, push me away.. Which you told me you’d do.

It hurt.

I’m not going to lie, it hurt like hell because you showed me this world of opening doors, treating me like a princess, asking me to rely on you more when you noticed I wasn’t thinking of you first when I was in times of need.

You can’t handle this right now and I’m sorry that I was being selfish for wanting what you couldn’t give.

But I’m not sorry for meeting you, you taught me something in so short of a time that my longest relationships were never able to show me. 

Maybe I’m romanticizing it. 

Maybe I’m supposed to hate you for showing me love and then briskly taking it away. Maybe I’m supposed to despise you for allowing me into your world and then removing me from it without a second thought.

But I’ve just never been that type of person.

I hope that one day you can open your heart how you did mine.

I want so much for you to one day feel this openness you made me feel.

You lit a fire in my soul, so strong and so deep. I cry thinking how it took me so long to find you. 

And now I have to find someone like you.

Someone like you because you won’t be available for me.

Which is fine, 100 hundred percent fine. I’m serious. It’s okay.

I’ll find them.

So the day has finally come. We all knew one day it would. I’ll be honest, I thought it would be me at first but things don’t always go as planned (as we know).

The picture post of puckered lips that once belonged to me came up on my New Feed. I always wondered when that day would come. I wondered what I would feel. Even more so, I wondered what others thought I would feel. Even more still, I wondered what you thought I would feel.

The truth is... I’m honestly happy for you. A part of me wants to not be because you ‘did me wrong’ which is why we are here in the first place. But I can’t help it. I am happy for you.

I am happy and relieved. I am relieved because at one point I know you had mentioned finding your way back to me... And I didn’t want that. I’m happy you’re happy because I’ve been happy without you for awhile now and a part of me felt kind of guilty about that. But now I don’t have to fee that guilt. I used to wonder if you were okay and now I know you are.

So cheers to the next chapter of your life! Cheers to your future. Cheers to mine. 

You’ve been a trying year. You’ve changed up my world in so many ways that I can’t even count. Emotionally, spiritually and mentally you’ve stretched me passed my comfort zone. My world is so different now. The people in and out of it. My surroundings, my limits, my disposition on life. 

I want so bad to heal your wounds.

I want so bad to see things through.

I want so bad for there to be hope rekindled in you.

But it’s not my job to fix you.

It’s not my place to speed up your timeline.

What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours.

Only time will tell what will be in store.

For us, I hope for so many things,

But at the same time I know what reality brings.

Just know you have every right to feel how you feel.

You have every right to want to stay broken right now -

Your heart is yours to heal.

I’m just here until I’m not.

All I ask is that if it’s not me in the end, let me know, don’t stall.

But if you’re just healing at your own pace and time,

I can’t be mad at your honesty, just like you can’t be mad at mine.

And honestly what I said in the beginning is nothing but the truth,

Out of the blue and not even a sure thing,

Just kind of a “someone I’d like to get to know” thing.

But all the while, a beautiful and wonderful end of spring fling.

Summer approaches and thinking of you has me in smiles.

I don’t even know when the next time I’ll see you will be,

But hopefully we won’t have to wait awhile.

You are simple, easy and most importantly keep it real.

We don’t know what this is, where it’s going, but we do know how we feel.

I’m hoping for the best, but also prepared for the worst.

But at the very least, you’ve given my life new meaning and most importantly..

I would be lying if I didn’t say I am hoping for best case scenario right now. I can’t help it, I’m a fckng hopeless romantic - Always was, always will be. 

Something about you feels so natural and I fckng hate it (sort of). Your timing is unbelievable. Your current location is unbelievable. The fact that I was already planning to move to your city to live there for other reasons. The fact that you just so happened to be visiting San Diego when you did.. Is fckng crazy. 

And I still don’t really understand why.. However, I accept it.

You were scared, unsure, didn’t know how to handle your situation. We’ve all been there once or twice. It’s still not an excuse, and I’m not going to say “I don’t blame you” because I’m sorry, but I just can’t say that. However, I accept it.

I accept that you thought..

“How realistic is this?”

“I feel so alone..”

“How can I cope without anyone here for me?”

“How can I believe in keeping this going when she’s so far away?”

I accept it. 

I see your thought process.. But I hate it. It’s dumb.

I am an honest person and if I couldn’t do it I would have told you.

I am not afraid of speaking my truth of what I can or cannot handle.

If you didn’t mean much to me, I wouldn’t have tried much.

If this didn’t mean the world, I wouldn’t look to keep you in my heart when you are a world away from me.

If this wasn’t what I wanted, you would have known.

If I didn’t feel I could make sacrifices, you would know. I don’t like to play pretend.

You just.. lost faith in me..

And even if it was just for a blip of a moment, I accept it.

I don’t like it. I really fucking don’t. But I accept it.

But don’t do it again. Ever. Don’t lose faith in me.

Don’t forget I am here for you. I always want to hear what you have to say. I always want to be here for you if I can, in any way I can. Trust me. Trust me that much. Trust us.

You aren’t alone. 

I won’t let you be.

You could sit there and think all of the 1,000 scenarios that are going on in your head.

You could consume your thoughts with emotionally damaging ideas that your imagination creates.

You could get mad at something that hasn’t even happened.

You could be sad over something that’s not even real.

Or you can get your sht together and handle your day and what’s in front of you.

You could focus on what is in your control rather than what isn’t.

Love yourself before anyone else.

Remember you are a bad ass bitch.

You could cry. But after you’re done, guess what? All the sht you put off will still need to get done.

So keep it together.