If Winter Ends

Not a month. Yoceph will be gone in 36 hours. Maybe forever. Here comes change. I wasn’t ready. Goodbye love.

I’m in love with one of my best friends, but I fear the consequences of trying to make it work. In the meantime, I’m falling for someone who is leaving. He got a call from his brother today, the one that owns the solar company. That means there’s a job. So in a month, he’ll be in California or Michigan or Texas... And I will be here, broken- and my best friend will still be here. And I’ll still be terrified. I almost threw away a friendship so that I could be with him, and now I’m afraid being with him could not only complicate and put not just one, but two friendships at risk- as well as my physical and mental health. With both of these people...one question lingers heavily. Can I be with someone more pessimistic than myself? Can I date someone whose beliefs don’t line up with mine, whether it’s about my chosen field (psychology) or about queer rights, or even general politics??? I’m lost. I don’t have anyone to talk about it with- it feels too soon after the mistakes I’ve made, and for my friends it doesn’t involve, i don’t exactly want to tell them in detail about the most stupid and selfish thing I’ve never done. I don’t know.

I am so in love with this human. I don’t care about norms, or what people have to say, or about my past (anymore.) I’m going to fucking marry him one day. And we’ll have cute ass, completely nuts kids. And they’ll be aight with it- because they’re our goddamn demon spawn. They get it, okay?

Had my first “foursome” last night. It was weird, but fun. Interesting. It ended with Samantha and I fucking and beating the shit out of one another (consensually) while the men we came with (Nick and Max) talked about music and watched while smoking cigarettes naked a couple feet away. Strange, beautiful. I am so happy to be able to live exactly the weird and kinky life I live.