If I Had A Beard

I would ensure there was a connecting moustache to avoid unnecessary accusations given the events of recent times

It would probably be a different colour to the hair on the top of my head

It would contain missing Malaysian Airlines flight MH370

I'd think nothing of tossing bales of hay over other, stacked bales of hay

I'd be a bard

I'd be Joe Carroll

My nautical weapon of choice would be a trident

We'd have more mirrors in the house

I'd shave it all off then grow it back again really quickly just to show off

I'd keep secrets in it

I'd invade!

I'd wrestle

I'd welcome you to touch it constantly

I'd spend twice as much money as I do now on shampoo

I'd spend half as much money as I do now on face moisturiser

I'd talk to strangers in bars who also have beards about the beards we both have

You'd have to drive me to medieval war reenactments