ID2006

my little terrarium.

I knew today would be rough. Ive had a lot of setbacks with being sick from not resting when needed and I knew I'd be pushing myself today. I also knew today would be hard because today I would have been married to my ex for 18 years. I dont mourn the marriage we had, but I do mourn the marriage we could have had and the life I had planned.

So when seizures hit this afternoon I wasn't surprised. And since my service dog passed I've also learned to roll myself up like a blanket burrito so its harder for my limbs to dislocate. Still, these hit so hard. I kept hoping I'd pass out from the pain, and eventually did pass out after 20-30 minutes. But during that time I got to feel and hear my ankle pop. My spine popped in various places as my muscles tried to tear it apart. I tried to breathe through it while I cried and couldn't speak. Eventually I'd get a minute break and I cried some more because I could tell another one was coming knowing the pain up ahead.

Im now in excruciating pain still, but with meds and heat pad. Hopefully things start to get better this week so I dont have to make a dr appt to check for fractures or other damage. I dont want to tell my parents because they'd just worry and there's nothing they can do about any of this anyways.

And this Saturday I really want to go to the Oddities Expo. But I'd be going alone and probably only have my cane because navigating wheelchair through the crowds and in booths is almost impossible there. Last year, just the walk from the parking lot made me almost pass out and I almost passed out a few times at the expo itself. I feel so alive while Im there, but it also comes with so many risks, even moreso than today did. I want to feel alive and do what I want. But Im not sure I can handle the setbacks or need to miss work, and the idea of going through seizures this bad again anytime soon is heart breaking.

I felt a little better this morning, or at least I could think clearer. However, as the day went on my throat started hurting, my sinuses burned, and my nose started running like a faucet again. I dont know if this is just a setback from not taking care of myself or if I've already caught something different. Chhinkni helped me get some relief before shower. But now Im exhausted and wish I was sleeping. Instead Im propped up in bed with tissues and tea.

Unfortunately this box of tissues is abysmally low and at this rate has no chance of surviving the night. Since I dont want to be stranded with a nose dripping all over my comforter, I do have a hanky as backup just in case.

Really, It's Just Allergies

I said yes to the park. It had been rainy recently and allergies had been tolerable, almost non-existent on rainy days. I still took my allergy meds before we left, but the 'doctor prescribed' ones stayed on the counter since cedar season had ended.

It was a nice park, lake, wildlife, jogging path with benches. As I got in the car I rubbed my nose, surprised at how itchy it was. Still, Im sure it would be fine with allergy meds. As we got driving I automatically switched the air to recirculate in the car instead of introducing more from outside. The ride was nice, holding hands, only occasionally having to bring up my other hand to rub my nose. I could feel you watching me, which was fine, I liked that... as long as you kept your eyes mainly on the road, obviously.

As soon as we arrive I see the leaves blowing in the wind and my nose gives an involuntary twitch. It can't be that bad. I step out of the car and immediately change my mind on that assumption. A pair of sneezes bend me double. I feel your hand rub my back.

"Blesss you baby."

"Thank you"

As I look up you can see my eyes already watering, the tip of my nose pink, and I have a finger pressed under my nose covering how wet the sneezes were.

"Oh baby, maybe we should just go home"

You take a tissue from your pocket and move my hand so you can wipe my nose.

"Really, it's okay. Im sure meds will kick in soon."

For the moment I actually believe what I say. You hand me the tissue so I can quietly blow my nose and throw it in the trash as we walk. It really is beautiful here. We sit down on our favorite bench by the track. A perfect view of the lake and willow trees surrounding it. I see the wind steadily blow the long branches over the lake and I can tell my nose is definitely not satisfied. Thankfully no joggers are running past as I cup my hands over my nose.

"Heh' H'TSHOOO eHTSCIEW!" I keep my hands tightly cupped around my nose as my breath hitches more, "heh' eh' eH' ASHIEWW heh AT'CHSHOOOOooo!"

"Goodness! Blesss you baby!"

I feel you dab a tissue gently under my eyes before hugging me close and pressing the tissue into my steepled palms.

"Thags".

I use the tissue to mainly clean my hands and dab at my nose as I lower my head onto your shoulder.

"Poor girl", you take a hand and place it gently on my forehead.

"It's just allergies babe. Everything itches. My nose, by eyes, by throadt, by ears." Congestion builds with almost every word.

"You're a little warm I think. I dont want to keep you out here too long in case you're coming down with something."

You place another tissue into my hand. I give in to blowing my nose. A steady stream of mucous gurgles out causing me to blush.

"I'b snffff, ugh, okay really"

Your eyes still show concern, but your arm wraps gently around my shoulder as you say," Okay. But if you start feeling too bad or want to go home, then we leave."

I nod, leaning into you.

You try to make conversation but can tell my mind is elsewhere. Really, Im trying to listen and respond but this buzz in my nose is driving me insane. I try quietly sniffing and rubbing as the itch moves down the bridge of my nose. Then it hits just inside the rim of my nostrils and I realize Im going to sneeze and it's going to be big. A jogger is about to round right in front of us, unaware they will be directly in the blast radius. I take a huge breath in, my head tilts back. And just as Im about to let everything loose you pull me in, directing my body to face you.

"HAH'AAAAT'CHUUUU eH'TSHIEW eh eHTSCIEW 'TCHIEW eh' heh' hEH'HSHIEWWW ah' ahhh' AHHH' AHHH'TCHOOOooo!"

"Oh sweetie, blesss you!" You say it with such care in your voice. Another person walking in our direction also says, "Wow, bless you!"

I nod my thanks and then sniffle hiding my head under your neck.

"Thag you love."

Im a little surprised when you push me back some. Oh goodness, I was so focused on the relief that I had forgotten what we must look like. I view your shirt, which was once a solid color. Now it has dark spots of varying sizes all over it. You tilt my head up but Im not ready to meet your eyes after that spectacular showcase from my nose. Your thumb gently swipes away tears from my eyes before pulling my head close again for a slow and tender forehead kiss. Your kindness just about breaks me for some reason. Suddenly Im pulled into your lap with my head protected under yours.

"Its okay baby, I got you. Just sneeze if you need to".

My brain hadn't caught up to my twitching flaring nostrils. The relief had been short lived and that pollen was determined to wreak havoc on my nose. You keep my head pressed into your collar bone as I let out a smaller series of sneezes, my head bending with every sneeze. You bless each of the first few sneezes and then just hold me as you try and wrestle another tissue from your pocket. I had given up on my drippiness and it feels so good as you cup a tissue to my nose. At this point I've forgotten everything around us, solely focused on the itch that just will not leave my poor nose alone. I hear you whisper in my ear to blow, but that immediately triggers another couple sneezes. However, then the itchiness finally recedes. I sigh and collapse against you as you quietly whisper the sweetest 'bless you' into my hair.

"Thags love."

"Nowww can we go home."

I chuckle which starts me coughing before I give a congested. "Yes blease."

In the car you hand me tissues as I sneeze and sneeze and sneeze some more, trying not to spray all over your car. Id like to think Im partially successful in this mission but your dashboard suggests otherwise. As you bless me, I feel your hand on my forehead again.

"I told you I'b nod sigk." I know I sound less than convincing, but allergies do like to emerge at the least convenient of times.

"Your fever says otherwise."

"Baybe your hand is jusd cold." You roll your eyes and hand me a tissue that I empty my nose into. But there it is again- that sharp prickling sensation inside along the bridge of my nose.

"ehh eHHH HEHH HAH'AAAAT'CHUUUUuuu HEH' HA'AA'SHIEWWWWWwww!"

How could I have just blown my nose and still made such a mess of the crumpled up tissue and my hands.

"Bless you baby." Another clean tissue appears in my hand and I wonder how many you have stashed in places for me.

"Thags. Sorry." I feel bad for ruining your plans but your hand softly caresses my leg.

Mess details: I spent a lot of time in the shower tonight clearing my throat and coughing up white/yellowish gunk. My snot has turned that yellowish color too.

Pics of tissue and audio clip of fit in car below