S-Rank In Cringe Culture

   Do you ever have one of those days where you’re just sitting around, drinking hot cocoa and listening to video game soundtracks, and then suddenly you’re being pulled into a blindingly bright white vortex that you had no part in creating?

No?

Well Peni is somehow having one of those days, and she’s just dropped her cocoa. That, and her mech just flew past her into the scary white vortex, which also is bad, but… that was good cocoa, man.

Sighing, Peni lets go of her desk, letting the vortex pull her in, hoping to god this wasn’t some kind of black hole, because that would suck?

…

Okay, so not a black hole! Just a nice amount of flight time over some weird lady with no pants, and a hard landing on a metal floor! Ow.

“… Ow.” SP//dr is nowhere to be seen, and Peni is pretty sure she’s bruised like, most of her body with that landing (she’s not as graceful as the other spiders). “Did- nngh… did you… open that portal?”

Gwen was thrilled with the results of her button mashing, just like when she used to play Marvel: Ultimate Alliance back in the day and X-Men: The Arcade Game the day before that. She had produced a small human! Was this what motherhood felt like? Eye strain and pride?

Her demeanor was bouncy and she practically skipped along to the platform, which was warm to the touch. Probably nothing to worry about, no radiation sickness or anything. Those consequences were too real for a place like this.

“Hiiiiiiiii. I’m Gwenpool!” 

Gwenpool avoided the question like an expert by not answering or even addressing it at all.

“Are you a danger to society? A runaway criminal from another universe, maybe? Someone I can stop to prove my worth, perhaps?”

If the answer to any of those questions were ‘yes’, Gwen was pretty certain that she could take out someone of such a short stature. Wolverine was an argument against the short = weak assumption, but this girl did not look like a Wolverine. 

“Coffee?”

It was the only thing that Jessica drank these days. If there was such a thing as an IV that dripped caffeine into her veins, she would walk with one of those attached to her arm at all times. 

“And you’re telling me that it smells bad, kiddo? Are you kidding me? You should try vodka or whiskey or Logan’s breath if you want something that smells really, really, really, bad.” 

“Do... not... drink... M.U.... coffee...” 

Note made. 

Gwen offered Jessica a bright smile. It was genuine and full of awe. Freaking Jessica Jones! That was the first MAX comic she had ever read! Ha ha, her foolish parents, comic books were definitely all for children absolutely! The smile went on for a little bit longer than was comfortable because, in complete honesty, she was starstruck.

   “Er. I just like the taste. Who the hell are you, exactly? A cosplayer or some shit?” It wasn’t often that he got recognised, but of course, it had to be one of Wade’s ‘fans’. 

“YOU too are fond of the memes?” shiklah scrutinizes the girl for a moment.  it seems a misunderstanding in truth, but she will not have her people living in fear of coming back to their own home because someone had mistaken eugene for an alien.  she contemplates what to do – to have her pay would be easy, she is unrecognizable in the arsenal of heroes that shiklah knows.  how formidable could she be?  “perhaps.  tell me, child, what is your name?”

   “That’s why I’m asking questions first, potentially fighting you later. I deal with a looooot of alternate dimension stuff, so… y’know, I’ve met other Gwens. You don’t sound like a Gwen Stacy, but I can’t be too careful.” She’s not sure who ‘Charles Xavier’ is, but the ‘disconnecting people’s brains’ example is enough reason to look into that later.

“So. Just tell me who you are, and if you’re here to be evil or not! Easier to bond over random references to campy horror flicks when we’re both on the same side.”

Gwenpool wriggles and writhes within the webbing, wonderfully and woefully keeping up the alliteration within the narration within her own mind. It’s strong stuff, so strong in fact, she can’t break it. She has a plan.

“I’ll tell you who I am! I’ll tell you exactly why you can’t do this to me, why it’s so important that you let me go.”

Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it. Don’t. Say. It. 

“If you know how to rodeo, I reckon you can earn the priv-i-lege.  Let’s see how you two-step.”

The job she had picked up from Ronnie’s to earn some cashola had said to go to the Buffalo Saloon and knock some sense into a guy called Small Abraham. Gwen had clearly double-booked onto this job with Cowgirl Lady here, and maybe that would be a good thing (so long as her powers weren’t the sex position and/or wrangling cattle). There are at least ten disposable enemies to dispose of before Small Abraham came onto the battlefield, so, best get started.

“Oh-kay Cowgirl Lady, let’s do this!”

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   Ah, Earth 616. This dimension was full of villains to tear apart! Like, so many villains. Gwen had her work cut out for her here.

It’s the same as usual - hop in, find a villain, or a petty criminal - and slaughter them mercilessly! Good, wholesome fun for the whole family, and nobody has to waste time with jail. Nobody can escape jail, and carry on committing crimes, if they’re dead.

With how like, dark and gritty Gwenom is, however, the last thing she expected to see is some weirdo with no pants and a bright pink and white outfit having… mostly done her job. These guys don’t look dead, but there’s no hunt if they’re unconscious.

“We’ve not seen you, before. On all the Earths we’ve seen, all the people we’ve fought, you are… new.“ Crawling (skittering?) down the wall, Gwenom keeps a close eye on this strange… hero? The swords are cool.

“The swords are cool.“

She has mostly dispatched of the nameless, faceless goons left in this nondescript warehouse explicitly for her to defeat. The narrative is a generic one and it’s only when she hears the voice that Gwenpool realizes that this is a set-up for something greater.

Gwenpool spins on her big-booted heel and looks into the inky dark. There’s something there and it sets the hair on the back of her neck on edge. Her mouth draws into a thin line and once her eyes adjust to the dark she swallows a breath.

Gwenpool no-likey the Venom-looking girl.

“Ha ha, thanks, the swords? Yep, cool. Mine, too, they’re mine too, I mean. Good things for cutting, slicing, dicing, letter-opening if you’re skilled enough. There are lots of uses for swords. Actually, no, there aren’t. It’s mostly that stuff I already listed.”

She hopes that her nerves hold, because she feels like she needs to pee and she doesn’t particularly want to die. Although perhaps a pee-pee stain would prevent her from being eaten. Maybe file that under ‘last resort’, Gwen.

@idontreaddeadpool liked!

   “You know, I get that a lot… everyone that isn’t from my dimension tells me I look like an ‘anime’. I don’t get it myself.” SP//dr beeps in agreement - what even is an anime!! What does that mean. “I thought it was an insult the first time someone called me it, but apparently everyone likes anime? Or… not everyone? Someone called me a ‘weeb’, whatever that means.”

It was a little awkward being interrupted in the middle of changing into your superhero gear by what looked to be Venom’s younger sister. She’d seen her on covers back in the real world, but hadn’t got around to reading those trades yet. Gwenpool adjusted her mask and made sure her hair was all stuffed up inside that thing. She needed to convince her that she definitely was not up to any trouble. Gwen clipped on her sword harness and offered the biggest grin she could.

Gwen quickly bent down to begin picking up the numerous Blu-Rays she’d knocked to the floor with her enthusiastic hand-waving. It was a large stack of movies which were no doubt assembled with great care by one of the members of staff here.

Gwenpool was inside Iron Man’s office and it did not matter how she got there, because she was already there and there was nothing that he could do about it! Except for, well, suit up and unibeam her through the glass and onto the street below, she supposed. That wasn’t an Iron Man move, she hoped.

“Since I’m here and I may as well be polite, would you prefer it if I call you Tony, Mr. Stark, Daddy, Mr. Man, Iron Sir or THE INVINCIBLE IRON MAN? B.T.W, there’s really no use in asking me how I got in here because ‘jumping through the post-borders’ won’t make a lick of sense even to the smartest man in the Marvel-U.”

She got up from the chair behind his desk, assuming he may want to sit in it, and instead took a seat in one of the chairs on the opposite side. 

Gwen had been pushing all the buttons on the big glowing console attached to the platform. When there was a sign that said ‘DON’T TOUCH’ and that sign had another sign stuck on it that said ‘EVER’ she just knew that she had to touch it. Sure, she had to totally K.O. some NPCs before she could get to the control panel but she was only ripping a hole in space-time to try and make things more interesting around here. She didn’t get to go on dimension-hopping adventures like all the other legitimate heroes, it was about time she hit the big leagues!