I Don't Even Know

No matter how hard you try, you can’t change the volume of the voice in your head

On my days off, rather than sleeping past the time I’d normally have to get up, I get much more enjoyment waking up at the same time and just laying around.

Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating.

The letter B in the word “subtle” is doing a nice job of it.

I treat my body in a way that proves I have 100% confidence in medical science being able to fix ANY medical problem by the time I’m 50.

When I die, I don’t want my life to flash before my eyes, I want a CinemaSins-style video complete with Jeremy narrating.

The person who invented the shower had shower thoughts before the shower even existed.

If Apple made a car, it would need Windows.

Man: Siri, what is 1 trillion to the tenth power? Siri: Calculation. The answer is one zero zero zero zero zero [continuing] Man: *starts beatboxing to the rhythm. Woman 1: *joins in* Woman 2: *starts singing to the rhythm*

play this while they bury my dead body

did you just

YYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO