황금의

she knew how hard she worked and everything she had been through, in jueun’s mind she deserved it. that said she also knew goeun’s personality. which was why she tried to be there if she needed to vent about something.

goeun felt so comfortable, so at ease here. when she entered 99, her self-esteem had been broken by a rejection she had never thought she’d face and only rebuilt to the degree to get her through auditions and into a new company. as a result most of her colleagues there knew her as anxious, nagging, always assuming the worst outcome was the most likely and working herself to the bone in an attempt to prevent it from happening. she had been an entirely different person when she had trained at midas: self-assured, relaxed, confident in the skill she had already trained and honed before even auditioning. in the end it was her confidence, having turned into arrogance, that became her downfall. but something about being at midas again, despite everything it represented, allowed goeun to slip back into that same, easy attitude she couldn’t afford to have at 99. she loved riot, loved her members to death - but she was always nagging them, always herding cats. she couldn’t stop herself, even if she could sense the resentment the other girls felt towards her. goeun tried not to, but she couldn’t help herself but think - what if she had debuted with mayday? what if she hadn’t lost her confidence and could enjoy her idol career without feeling like she had to keep everyone in line?

she hummed in response to her friend’s question. “hm, it’s a little weird. honestly i don’t really mind it when i’m, like, talking about you on a show or something and i have to call you sunbae. what’s really weird is when our groups run into each other and i have to bow at all of you when i’ve, you know, lived with you and know who snores the loudest and who spends the most time getting ready in the morning and who chews with their mouth open. you know? actually, i have some pretty valuable information, dispatch might offer some good cash for this kinda stuff.” she nudged lightly at jueun’s shoulder as she laughed. “honestly i’m just glad you didn’t take on a stage name, because i know i’d be messing that up all the time.”

goeun groaned as jueun reminded her of her past self, confidently ignoring her partner in crime’s (correct) insistence that they should’ve turned left back there to get to the vending machines, not right. “look, i was in a hurry, i was hungry and i was scared of us getting caught trying to break our diet. it was a stressful situation! anyone would’ve gotten lost. anyway, you probably shouldn’t have trusted me to know where i was going.” it was embarrassing, but goeun grinned anyway. that was a long time ago; the two of them had just entered the company around the same time and were equally awed and overwhelmed by the glamorous, exciting world they were now a part of. a lot of that novelty had worn off by now, but it was sweet to think about a time when everything was still so shiny and new to them.

she decided it was best to untangled her arms from around goeun’s neck before anyone saw and walked around to her side. the smile jueun wore showing no signs of the fatigue she had felt earlier.

goeun was not jealous of jueun. or, more specifically, she was happy for jueun. she had always been happy for her friend’s success, even in the hardest moments: when she had to move out of mayday’s predebut dorms, when she had to make new friends and an unfamiliar company, when she watched their debut stage on her phone in a washroom stall during a precious break in vocal practice, when the group climbed the ranks and achieved heights of popularity that goeun dreamt of, that she knew midas thought she could not help them reach. goeun had a competitive nature, but she didn’t see jueun as a rival - not when  jueun succeeded because she had earned it, and goeun, frankly, had not.

now that riot had debuted, goeun did feel like she was on a bit more of an even playing field. she no longer felt behind compared to jueun - granted, it did take an extra year and a half of training. now that she was in the public eye and it was on her profile that she’d been in the mayday lineup, she got asked about the other girls and whether she kept in touch, and it felt strange to speak formally and politely of her old friend “jueun sunbae” in interviews. on the few occasions their schedules synced up and they could meet (more on jueun’s account - riot had more time with 99′s sparse comeback schedule, but mayday always seemed to be preparing for the next big release), goeun was usually on the receiving end of some teasing, all hoobaenim and sunbaenim back and forth.

a grin grew on her face naturally at the sight of jueun in her practice clothes in the familiar surroundings of the midas building, stirring a sense of nostalgia in the pit of her stomach. she stood when prompted but laughed at jueun’s comment, rolling her eyes as she spoke. “yeah, yeah, whatever, sunbaenim. is this how it’s going to be for the rest of forever?” her tone was light and teasing - actually, goeun didn’t really mind this running joke. jueun had been her sunbae since she debuted, but the pressure for goeun to speak of her that way in public was just a frequent reminder that now, she too had debuted - that people would care and notice if she slipped up. it felt less like an indication of her failure to debut alongside her friend and more like a marker of her success in finally debuting at all.

LOADING INFORMATION ON R!OT’S MAIN VOCAL, LEAD DANCE JANG GOEUN…

“would you like some pointers for modeling or a glass of water, or did you want to give me more unsolicited criticism first? it’s really fine either way, but if you’re nervous you can just say so.”

the two of them were different in a million ways, and yet something about jaein reminded goeun of herself. not the goeun of today, but the goeun who had auditioned for midas. she had always known that she wanted to be an idol, and she spent her childhood in music lessons and after school language classes, doing anything and everything she could think of to make herself a valuable candidate for a good entertainment company. it worked, and she started training at the most iconic company in the industry. because goeun’s voice had already been through a long process of honing and training, she had a leg up over most of the other trainees her age, who had either been street cast for their visuals or were accepted for their natural talent. it gave her a confidence, a cockiness, one that carried her all the way to aurora’s predebut group. it wasn’t until she got cut from the lineup that all of that disintegrated, leaving goeun constantly on edge and anxious about her future in this industry.

that one similarity was, ultimately, what worried her about jaein. the confidence and self-assuredness she saw in the older girl was her own hubris, the downfall that led her to spend another four years in the midas basement. goeun once thought that once they debuted, these worries would disappear, that they would be safe from any tricks midas tried to pull. now she realized they were more vulnerable than ever; it wasn’t only the company that kept an eye on them now, but the whole public had a say in how they did. sure, they seemed to love them now, but who knew when their opinions would change? in a way she had been lucky to hit rock bottom as a trainee, when she was still shielded from netizens and the media. now neon had grabbed the public’s attention. if that confidence faltered, it would falter in front of thousands of eyes, preserved on the internet forever. the risk was a constant burden on goeun’s back, never forgotten and only growing.

“ i’m still terrified i’ll wake up tomorrow and they’ll say it’s cancelled. ” soeun admits, her voice small and grave. she doesn’t know why she says it, it really just slips out of her mouth before she can stop it – but it’s not wrong, either.

goeun had been through all of this before. she hadn’t gotten this far the first time, but she vividly remembers the excitement of aurora hearing their first song, the thrill of seeing their choreography, the idea that their dreams were soon to materialize into reality. it all ended for her not long afterwards, but it was enough that she felt like she was the experienced one in neon. sure, taoyi had debuted in taiwan already, but goeun was the only one who had come so far under midas media’s tutelage, and then had to do it again. now neon was so close that she could practically taste it, could imagine the cheers they’ll be hearing in just a few hours. maybe she could finally let go of fear she had of someone getting cut at the last minute; it was too late for any lineup changes now.

all that being said, throughout this process, goeun was jealous of the other members’ freshfaced enthusiasm for their debut. everything was new and exciting for them, every detail indicative of the promise and potential midas saw in them. everyone was concerned about getting cut at any given point, but there was a thrill in the perks of being in the debut team that goeun felt she couldn’t completely give in to. soeun especially drew her envy. she was younger than the rest of them, but a performer in the purest sense of the word. she was older and more experienced than goeun had been when she was in the aurora lineup, but she still reminded her of herself from that time. it made her a little uneasy, knowing what her own fate was, and also maybe a little attached.

HOT DEBUT FROM MIDAS, NEON CLAIMS THEY’RE ‘DALLA DALLA’