i write sometimes

This is the best advice anybody can give you, but it's not fun and it's shitty to execute: the only way to get better at writing is to write a lot.

I'm not going to say that there aren't people who have a better intuitive capability at writing than others, but no matter how much innate talent someone may have, nothing will ever take the place of the journeyman grind of writing hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pages. From the first story I ever wrote to the last one I churned out, the difference is immense -- and while yes, I've grown in experience, vocabulary, literary reference and maturity, the only way I was able to deploy those new tools and refinements was by continuously throwing myself bloody against the brick wall of writing yet another story.

The best way to be a good writer is to be a bad writer for a very long time, in essence, and to be able to grit your teeth through that process. That last part, the endurance sport of it, that's the thing a lot of people can't do; even once you're a quote-unquote good writer, writing doesn't get much easier, because you hold yourself to a higher standard, and chipping blood out of the rock of your frontal lobe so your story can have a climax is the same agonizing process it's ever been -- regardless of how you avoid thesaurus abuse these days.

Re: the realism and atmosphere, I regret to send you to Elon Musk's twitter, but I wrote a long thread about my process there years ago, which now I'm thinking I should probably transcribe into Tumblr at some point.

I will uhhh…just be putting this here. Some food for thought perhaps hmmmm (pls watch and support this creator, he does a lot of content looking into gay representation and the intersectionality with the black community)

Indian Queer Media: Little Hearts | Kaathal the Core | Gaami | Mumbai Police | Kaadhal Enbadhu Podhu Udamai (KEPU) | Ardhanaari

This movie is available for free on JioHotstar in Malayalam (with few dialogues in Tamil and Hindi) with English subtitles. It is also available on YouTube in Tamil-dub without subtitles. A lot of foreign terms have been localized in the dubbed version.

Ardhanaari (Ivan Ardhanaari on the movie’s certificate) is one of its kind cinema. It is an arbit presentation of the life of a Malayali third gender person. The movie aims to reflect the life of third gender folks particularly those who are hijra and to educate its audience. In fact, the movie opens with the etymology of the term hijra. It is in classic Malayalam movie style, offering humor but does not bother comforting its audience. The movie doesn’t hesitate to delve into the issues while showcasing the joys and the celebrations of queerness. There is love, lots of it meanwhile there is also heart break that begs to stay even after.

As of now the movie remains sole feature length, dramatized representation of hijra life in Malayalam. It shows rituals and kinship system that exists in the hijra community.

We see the world around Vinitha (aka Vinayakan aka Manjula) through her POV. There is greater acceptance for her womanly pursuits in attires a kid because a level of sartorial experimentation is considered appropriate for young children. The movie lulls you into a false sense of serenity with acceptance for Vinitha’s queerness in mostly unfettered, expect for that one social science teacher. Notably, there is a childhood sweetheart who seems to have accepted Vinitha’s femininity fully. Their romance itself is presented in a way typical of Malayalam art, there is push and pull and flirting by the pool.

In Malayalam art, romance is considered cheesy and cringey in general with only well executed tragedies and melodramatic gains able to sanctify it.

As an adult, Vinitha is forced to cut her hair short, get rid of her nail polish and anklet. But cutting off hair isn’t presented in a tragic manner. Instead, it opens space for flirting and showcases acceptance for her from the barber and one his customers, who specifically praises her for her seductive stroll (adopted from the classical dances, which is marked by graceful and seductive swaying of hips and movement of torso). While this may appear cliché, the movie uses it to develop Vinitha’s attributes as she is a Mohiniyattam dancer and her teacher thinks highly of her.

To grow old is for all the societal evils to mature in their effect. That when all hell breaks loose. In Vintha’s home, while the patriarch is pious and benevolent, the elder brother is a brute.

Vinitha’s brother is the most bothered by the social implications of her queerness. He points out that Vinitha’s queerness has led to such severe loss of social capital and that his political career and their sister’s marriage prospects are both threatened by it. He hires a thug to honor-kill her and when she returns from the grips of death a murderer, he begs her for mercy.

But the straw that breaks the camel’s back is her boyfriend Balu’s betrayal. He hits her where it hurts the most (her inability to bear him a child) when she is at the lowest. She leaves Kerala and goes to the nearby state, Tamil Nadu. While Kerala has achieved much in terms of queer rights and acceptance in recent years, it has not been a haven. Malayali queer folks migrating especially to metros in nearby states due to social rejection to their sexuality is well known phenomenon. Most popular queer folks including activists and academicians have stories to tell about their lives outside Kerala and how that contributed to their survival and growth.

Vinitha is welcomed into a hijra gharana(commune)’s hammam that is home to their Nayak (meaning leader), kothis and hijras. The Nayak is a Malayali who had migrated to the Hindi-belt. The hammam is a place of dance, music and love making. Vinitha is offered a chance to formally become a hijra after one year. She becomes chela (disciple) to Jameela through a ritual that binds them in a relationship modeled on parenthood and is given the name Manjula (the name means beauty).

Manjula’s bisexuality is a source of anxiety about acceptance. But that too is welcomes, drawing inspiration from ardhanaari form of Shiva and Parvathy, the masculine and the feminine embodies in a single deity. Similarly, other parts of their traditional social system are drawn from Hindu mythology (such as Lord Ram bestowing them with the right to beg; performing badhai wherein the hijras bless on auspicious occasions) and Muslim culture (such as lot of their vocabulary and institutions). According to the rules of their gharana Manjula can marry anyone whom she doesn’t share sisterly bond with through being chela of the same guru and can lead a seperate life.

While we see Vinitha’s standard of living improve through sex work and adjacent services such as entertaining guests in the hammam, the movie also shows through many members of their gharana, the precarity (a lot of it systematic), lack of legal recognition, property rights, battery suffered at the hands of ruthless clients, sexually transmitted diseases taking lives, police brutality, lack of labor rights and protection, social security, access to health care and alcoholism.

When Kokila undergoes nirvana (castration), the procedure is not only ritualized but also looked upon with similar amount of anxiety regarding health outcome and hope of achieving a body she desires.

Since the movie was released in 2012, a lot has changed in India in terms of social and legal acceptance of third gender. While third gender folks have the right to ger married legally, the matter of legal recognition of guru-chela relationship is not even on the margins of the fight for queer rights even though it is the basic familial association for a lot of hijra, and the community could benefit greatly by being able to form association similar to Hindu Undivided Family, being able to name guru in place of guardian, being able to nominate them as recipients of their power of attorney, nominee for pensions and other benefits, joint bank accounts, property deeds, ration cards, etc.

Similarly, there should be provisions for easy severing of such familial association, extended protection against domestic violence that would include broader definition of family and household, and provisions to discourage fraud and financial crimes because as uplifting as guru-chela relationships can be, there is rampant abuse and exploitation and discrimination based on caste and color. There should be provisions for protection of individual rights as well as their communes’.

Notably, Vinitha doesn’t get higher education, which hampers her ability to seek better employment or entrepreneurial avenues. While third gender folks are encouraged to pursue higher education, lack of social acceptance pose threat and lack of economic means seriously limit their ability to get enrolled.

Return of Manjula’s ex-boyfriend is a bright spot in their murky relationship and it follows a delightful but short-lived marriage which other hijras had expected but did not think to forewarn Manjula of. Ther is value placed on parenthood in heterosexual unions and its make up gets subverted in Manjula’s wedding but ghosts of it haunts the end of their marriage.

When Kokila, Vintha’s sister through their guru Jameela, gets brutally killed, police conspire with the murder to blame Manjula. There is injustice in each death and no scope for justice as things stand. The way criminal charges and brought upon Manjula echoes colonial era Criminal Tribes Act.

There is a fantastical element to the end of the movie where we witness Manjula returning to her father on his deathbed. He looks upon Manjula and sees in her his beloved deity, Shiva, in his ardhanaari form. Manjula lives her life wandering, narrating her life story, noting the injustice and finally disappearing near the seaside.

Next, we will look at a recent depiction of a transwoman, played by a transwoman in the marvelous Peranbu which too takes us to a seaside.

(Asian cinema edition)

making this for @faerouzia but thought it’d be cool to share (and yes, i posted this on my fanfiction account with little to no shame.)

Rebels of the Neon God (1992)

Rebels of the Neon God is a cinematic masterpiece. I honestly consider all of the films on this list as such but each have their own particular stylistic niches and camera work. If you’ve watched any films by Wong Kar-Wai (Days of being wild, Chungking Express, In the mood for love, Fallen Angels, Happy together, etc) you’d more than likely enjoy this one as well. The film follows a group of teens living in Taipei, two thief’s, a sex worker, and another who follows them throughout their journey. Rebels of the Neon God captures the daily, real life struggles of these characters and the realities of living in a bustling city that gives no room for its inhabitants to navigate life slowly. It’s almost episodical to me? In some way? Rather than it flowing into a central plot line, the film communicates its meaning through a series of happenings rather than it amounting to one fully formed story. There are themes of queer desire that I’ve noted as a queer person myself—and I enjoyed it.

Days of being wild (1990)

Days of being wild is placed sometime in the 1960’s in Hong Kong. This falls within my top three Wong Kar-Wai films, and in my personal opinion, is one of his more underrated works. It lacks in the plot whimsicality of his more notable works but has an underlying intensity I’d categorize with In the Mood for Love. It follows an intricate thread of “almost” loves between Yuddy, a player with a strained relationship with his mother, and Li-Zhen—a box office attendant who we fleetingly pursued before she fell in love with him. Several characters are introduced as we explore the individual but intertwined stories of Li-Zhen and Yuddy. Also Leslie Cheung plays Yuddy…and that’s all I needed to want to see it.

Millennium Mambo (2001)

Millennium Mambo has a special place in my heart. I’ve watched this film as a teenager and I find myself relating to the dead end visions of my youth now that I’m twenty four. The usage of neon pallets and light encompass the beauty of a lot of Asian cinema—(which is interesting since I’ve noticed that a lot of European films utilize shadows, so it’s cool to see some stylistic trends that can define particular genres or storylines) and MM is a visually striking work of art. I’ll never forget how it felt to watch Millennium’s opening sequence for the first time when Vicky walks away with a cigarette in hand with a moving and bleak monologue. The beginning ends with a goodbye and now that I’m older I find myself relating to Vicky and how lost she is, as she attempts to find comfort in tumultuous romances but it doing nothing to guide her out of the discomfort of the unknown.

(Now also including stuff from south asia in general! Because I cannot help myself)

A couple of days ago, @impala124 sent @lurkingshan an ask about the lack of discussion about Queer Indian Media in fandom spaces. I wrote about it here, @neuroticbookworm here, and @waitmyturtles here (both of them have excellent points, I highly recommend you read their posts!). It's become quite apparent that people are willing to watch and engage in discourse about queer Indian media, it's just that the lack of popularity and accessibility makes it harder for people to start. So, I've decided to make a list tracking all of the queer Indian media I know of, and hopefully also any meta/discourse about it, which is an idea I've had floating in my head for months now.

This list is by no means comprehensive, so if you have recs, send them my way! Text me on DM, send an ask, tag me in your posts, whatever. And though it's not possible for me to watch everything on the list, I will be slowly going through as many of these as I can and writing about them, as well as hopefully finding more stuff and easier to access versions for the ones that are harder to access right now. This post is going to be a slow work in progress, but I'm hoping to update it regularly. So, if you'd like me to keep you updated, let me know through the tags/replies and I will tag you in future posts!

I've tagged the people who've recommended certain shows alongside each show. Everything on here is available online. The hyperlinked titles lead you to the media itself, meaning that it's available for free online with subtitles. Other details will be mentioned separately. If you want to watch something but can't access it, DM me and I'll see if i can help you.

(The list was getting too long so I've put all of the recs under the cut)

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS DAY MEDIA RECOMMENDATIONS

for international women's rights day, I'm also sharing different pieces of media I love which delineate women’s experiences in a deeply-ingrained and oppressive patriarchal system. please watch in your own discretion, as most of these feature SA and violence in women

Starting from the top left:

Kim Ji-Young, Born 1982 (2019) - a film about what it means to be a daughter, a wife, a mother, a woman in a patriarchal society. antiquated expectations, societal constraints that women are being constantly put through where misogyny, sexism, male chauvinism are still so extremely normalised and unaddressed

Anne with an E (2017) - AOGG tv adaptation with a more progressive and even better nuances as well as straightforward feminist themes, resisting traditional gender roles, perpetuation of the same patriarchal beliefs due to internalisation of social norms

Requiem (2021) - it’s a film short available on youtube about lesbians during the witch trials where most victims were women labeled as witches. misogyny and patriarchy in religious institutions

Moral (1982) - timeless feminist Filipino film about heteronormative and patriarchal gendered roles and traditional social dichotomy that the Philippines was/still being circumscribed by during the Marcos regime

Brutal (1980) - Filipina women with intersectional experiences of misogyny, male chauvinism, and patriarchy. women's internalised misogyny due to the social norms, but still having to challenge and resist it rather than being complicit, hypersexuality due to SA in women, misogyny and oppression in religion and nuclear family

The Day I Became a Woman (2000) - a wonderful and timeless chronicles of different generations of Iranian women experiencing misogyny in religion and being under an oppressive patriarchal regime, liberation that women in Iran still actively fight for

Yume no Hashibashi (2018) - a yuri manga about lesbians being oppressed in patriarchy and being forced in compulsory heterosexuality

Moonlight Flowers (1989) - another yuri manga about compulsory heterosexuality, marital r*pe, anti-patriarchal themes

Joyland (2022) - a film about patriarchal family structures and traditional gender roles, misogyny in the nuclear family, transmisogyny

She Loves to Cook, She Loves to Eat (2021) - fluffy yuri manga that also addresses misogyny, traditional expectations in a patriarchal society, accepting one’s sexuality without having to conform to gender norms. this manga also realistically portrays how heteronormativity affects queer people. it has lots of representations which I really love

Onna no Ko ga Iru Basho wa (2021) - an anthology that features patriarchal indoctrination and misogyny in religion seen in different cultures

But then Hollander seems,,, weirdly pleased?? And,,, actually complies?? Before practically skipping off, like he got what he wanted?? What??

And then they're texting back and forth and Ilya still partly thinks this is some kind of long con, but then it's been weeks and then it's been longer and suddenly they're at the draft and Shane is looking around the room and when he spots Ilya his entire face lights up and he's making a beeline for Ilya and he's still smiling as he says "Ilya!" like he's happy to see him,,, because he IS happy to see him. Because they've been messaging basically constantly for months now and oh fuck oh shit Ilya is so so deeply screwed.

There are so many reasons a person may choose not to come out and there is no reason a person would owe the public or a stranger that information. Certainly it's not owed simply because someone is famous.

some poolside fun ❤️