ikykmaf

On one of your post you wonder what would people say when you die. Whether they would be sad or cry or not give a fuck at all. Rest assured my dear friend that your presence is deeply missed. That many, I included shed so many tears and spent years grieving. It was only when I started reading your posts that I realize you were also grieving when Dino left. It affected you more than you let on. I was sad because I thought only a few will remember him to include you because it seems to me everyone was moving forward while I felt stuck, lost on what happened. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to comfort you. I was preoccupied with my own grief and guilt I forgot you were also his friend far longer than I knew him.

Kaloysius, I remember your vivacious personality, your protectiveness, your bottomless energy and creativity. By the way I think I was the one who nick named you Kaloysius. It was a combination of Aloysius (a name I saw at random and immediately thought of you) and your childhood nickname Kaloy. I missed you calling me Daddeh, how kalog and sweet you are when you want to be. In days like this I would often ruminate I would give everything I have to get another chance, another moment in time, to see you, to talk to you and catch up.

I went home for Ati Atihan that same year you know because I made a promise to see you. You often asked me when I will be back to PI. We made plans to walwal for that year’s festivities. That was also the last time we talked. You apologize that you couldn’t make it. I was disappointed but truly understand your predicament. Long before that, I still remember how you asked me about my failed marriage and relationship. How your words brought me some comfort. You said something about sometimes letting go is a beautiful thing. You reached out even when I was busy pushing people away. 9 years have swiftly went by and never in a million years I would dare to imagine that our reunion would be with you lying there with the saddest and stillest expression on your face. I stood there facing you, uncontrolled tears, and a sudden realization that I am about to say another goodbye to another childhood friend, another love, another what if/should/could. God knows how much I miss you each and every day. You and Dino will always have pieces of me that is no longer mine. Cliché as this may seem but I sincerely and truly love you. I wish I was able to say it to you sooner.