#muni-muni

ilang filmfests na yung hindi ko nasunggaban.

ang dami ko pang nakatambak na librong gusto kong magkaroon ng panahong basahin.

pero looking back, i'm extremely grateful for friends who in spite of their busy schedules are always keen to hone and create with their craft —

nakabasa ako dahil nagsulat ang isa kong kaibigan tungkol sa pag-ibig that transcends worldly transitions.

nakapanood ako dahil nagdirek ng pelikula ang isa ko pang kaibigan para sa isa pa nilang kaibigan at kung paano nila dinedeal ang pighating kaakibat ng kanyang pagkawala.

makes me wonder, at malamang sa malamang, mukhang ako lang talaga ang humahadlang sa sarili kong kaligayahan. i need to make time for these things.

lately sobrang inis ko sa sarili ko kasi feel ko ubos na ubos na ako. isang makinang nauubusan na ng gas. pero laking pasasalamat ko sa mga kaibigang patuloy na gumagawa. because of them i get to fill my cup with more than enough para makatawid sa kung anong kailangan kong itawid.

1 taon ng heightened alert dahil sa threats sa opisina

2 taon ng lockdown-pandemya

1 taon ng pagrecuperate sa lockdown-pandemya [at mukhang pati sa threats? ewan haha]

1 taon ng life choices na apparently pilit na binlock ng utak ko yung ibang bagay to be able to concentrate on other stuff

This is a series of poems that I wrote in 2017 for my then boyfriend, Patrick.

Now Patrick is tad younger than I am. He was still in college when we met thru Twitter. He was an "alter" personality in his Twitter profile. He later on connected me to his "real" Twitter account. From there, it was a ride.

The relation ship was short. It was quick to end as it was quick to start. But it was memorable. Every weekend, he will commute with me to my home. He doesn't want me to commute alone, said he. I appreciate that. I am a time and effort kind of person.

Soon afterwards, things got really rough for us and he suddenly just shut me out. And I never liked the feeling of not knowing and being lost. I am a curious person, I find answer to my question, when I am lost I will learn to read map and a compas.

Him shutting me out left me in a terrible place. It traumatized me even to this day.

And this series were written during that 1 week of me being shut until he eventually had broken up with me.

Below is the first installment:

Oct. 6, 2017

To: Patrick

Kung mananakit man, huwag sana yung dahan-dahan. Putulin ang dapat putulin nang walang pagaalinlangan.

Tanggalin ang mga sanang natitira, nagbibigay lang ng pag-asa na ayusin ang mga bagay na nasira.

Sabihing tapos na, hindi naman ako magmamakaawa na pilitin mo pa. Marining ko lang ang salitang "paalam," at "ayaw ko na," sapat nang dahilan para ako’y sumuko na.

Paingayin ang katahimikan, sagutin ang mga katanungan hindi naman kailangang detalyado masagot lang kung bakit ganito.

Hindi man ako guwapo, hindi man ako sikat sa kahit na sino pero, tao rin naman ako nasasaktan sa biglaan; hingi ko lang naman ay respeto kung hindi bilang dating irog, bilang tao man lang Ginoo.

It has been a while since I last wrote in these pages.

I went back to a few of these posts and I cannot rebuild that image of myself again.

I write. I am not a writer but, I write. I have these colors and images in my head and I can put them into writing. I remember my college English professor (on one of the classes I skipped) showcasing my descriptive essay writing; accordin to some of my friends on the same class the professor said that I was the only one who got it right. That is almost a decade ago. 

I do not have the writing talent as writers would have it. I write based on my emotions, I write to ward off the darkness that used to gloom overhead, I write to lighten up the load on my chest.

But like reading, I stopped. I stopped reading books when I started working on my college thesis. I stopped writinga few years after I started working.

But, the emotions, the darkness, the load they didn’t stop coming. 

And now I am back here. To a me I used to be. Struggling to find the correct words to use. I am back to a me who, when he looks in a mirror, sees nothingness and a waste of space.