A Safe Place

Sorry for not writing here, usually I don’t have nothing to talk about… No school because of the strike, and sleeping almost half the day, it doesn’t give me any ideas of what to write. A few days ago I was searching in the Internet and I found really cheap flights to Canada on a website. At first my heart almost jumped out of my chest. As you know, Canada is my safe place. My true love. So, searching more, I found out that I need an American Visa. Even if I won’t stay too much in U.S. So now I’m going after it. I really need to go to Canada. Some people say that I’m wasting money. But, I can’t exactly explain how much I love Canada. I just know that it’s like when you love someone, and you feel really sad when you don’t have this person next you. So you can imagine how hard it is to be more than a year without this “person”. So that’s it, I hope everything goes right. See ya, 😉

I’m so devastated. I’m trying to go on. Honestly, trying to live. Trying to find myself again. When someone hits you in the same place several times, you start not feeling that part of your body. The same you can say for life. When life hits you, knock you down, you might fight back, you might let it go and wait for it stop, or you get used to the pain. In this situation, I’m getting used to the pain. Of course that it still hurts, but I’m not fighting back or letting go. In the last post, I told y’all that I don’t have that big heart any more. And what I just said is the explanation for it. My heart's so beaten by the others, so now I won’t chase the ones I’d like to be in my life. Some people mistreats you. It seems that they don’t want to be around you, and you’re just playing the fool going after them. So I gave up. It seems selfish, but I am selfish. Sometimes in your life you have to stop worrying about those who don’t mind. And that’s I’m doing. I hope it works.

One of the most delightful things in the world is be surrounded by people who loves you. You start loving people in the same way you grow up. You born with a little body and a big heart (bigger than the person itself). And you hope to be loved in the future, in the same way you love the others. The first time you hate someone, is something that fills your heart. And that big heart, now, it's getting little. I never thought that one day I'd have this little heart. I never imagine that one day I'd be where I am, and acting like another person that I never saw! Doubting of the religion which I was born and not trusting those who loved me my whole life. People hurt you. Stab you. Lie to you. And, if you keep loving them like it didn't happen, I'd say you are like God or Jesus (the one whom is in the bible). I lost myself somewhere. I always forgave people. And, sometimes, I forgot the bad things they did to me. But, now, after all the stabs and bullets holes, I guess I'm not the same. Actually, I am not the same. If am I proud of this? Sometimes I am, because I can face the world easily now, but I don't have friends enough to hold me when my whole world falls down. I don't have someone who loves me by who I am. I lost myself, my old self. And now I'm just living, till the end of this drama. It is hard. But, I can't live the life I was used to, and forget the scars in my back. Life is not easy at all.

Heeeey, I'm back!! YAY So, I'm here to say that the public school and all the state's colleges are back in strike. So, without classes till I don't know when. I'm doing grate, by the way. 8 days ago, I completed one month clean (for those who don't know what I'm takin' about, clean = without cutting myself)! I'm going out more often. I met a few guys, but unluckily, none of them wants to date. By the way, one of the things that makes me feel bad is the fact that I don't have someone to call "baby", "honey" or even "sweetie". Someone to be sexual involved with. Because, I actually can call my friends like this. But, I'm not looking for friendship for a long time... 33 days for my birthday!! 👏🏼🎁🎂🎉 If am I happy? Actually, I'm not. Since I completed 18, I don't want to celebrate my birthday anymore. Why? It means I'm getting old. And, I don't want to get old! When you're a kid, all the gifts, the best parties and no responsibility, makes your life wonderful. You don't have worries, you don't need to make choices. You just live your childhood like it won't end never. I miss that. So that's it. Since I decided that I'll be 18 forever, all my birthdays I'll complete 18 plus the year after it. So, this year I'll complete 18+1. It is a nonsense, but, that's the only way that I'll be 18 forever in my mind. I'll try to write here later, promise. See ya, guys 😉

Love, Brunna

Wednesday, March 25th I guess I didn't told ya that there is a music festival at my school in the end of this year. And I guess I told ya that I sing. So, I'm going to sing in this festival. I never did this before in front of a big crowd. So, i'm a bit nervous. Me and my friend (Who plays guitar) are practicing every time we can. And I'm looking for singing classes, so I can get even better and learn to control my voice. I'm pretty excited about it. I always wanted, but I never had courage for doing it. Maybe someday I post a video or audio of me singing, here. Anyway, I'm searching for songs that I might sing in this festival and, maybe, in others festivals (in my city). And, how I'm so inside of it, I must say that music is one of my favorite things. I feel so comfortable to know that there are singers who feel/felt the way I feel. One good example, Demi Lovato. Whoever who knows her history, knows what she had been through when she was younger. Some of her songs "fit" on me. Jessie J is another good example! Every song of her, I feel it was made for me. I'm a bit afraid bout what can happen in this festival. I can have crisis. I can forget the lyrics. I can freak out before the show (fear of the public). But I hope everything go well. So, that's it. I promise that I will try to write more here... See ya, guys 😉

Just an observation: 5 days after it (22nd) I cutted myself again. - For registration!