The Wanderers

god I can’t stop crying.

Hi tumblr — I took a bit of a hiatus from here, but I kinda missed being able to say whatever the fuck I want to this empty void of a website. In short I have no one. No one who gets how I feel. No one that truly understands that I only have good intentions and that when I slip up I feel like I’m stabbing myself in the heart. I seem to keep fucking everything up lately — my relationships, schoolwork, even just the little things like making sure I do my laundry. I quit taking my pills about a month ago because one day I forgot to refill them and I just never took the time to get more. I’m beginning to wonder if those I’ve met this past year only liked me because a part of me was suppressed at the time, and now that my mind is wild that I’m some ugly beast who doesn’t deserve the same love I once did. I just wanna make people happy, but all I seem to do is make them sad and I’m just so fucking frustrated by it. I’m afraid my boyfriend, despite me being up front about my struggles with aniexty and depression, can no longer handle the stresses that come along with a person like me. I get jealous and anxious about all this women he’s friends with even though he’s made it clear he only wants me. In my mind I trust him, but I can’t help but worry these women are better than me and if I wasn’t in the picture then he would be with one of them by now. My mind is a toxic mess and I’m struggling to handle it. I’m having outbursts, I’m crying more, and all I want is some fucking peace. Peace from what is the depths of my mind. I think I worry so much because I’ve never once felt loved completely. I’ve never felt deserving of it either. I’ve always felt like a complete individual forced the forge along in life with no one to catch me when I fall. No one to stop everything and make sure I’m ok even if I’m frustrating them. I want people to understand how broken I am, but I also don’t want to be seen as some delicate flower that must be handled with care at all times. I just want to be loved totally without any sort of doubt in my mind. I want someone to truly want every inch of me, good or bad. Someone that wants to learn how to deal with my shifts in personality. Someone who is okay with have to tell me a billion and one times that I’m the only person in the world they want. Reassurance can be annoying to have to give to someone, but to the receiver it can mean the world to them. I just want to be unconditionally loved and not feel like shit whenever my anxiety wins the battle and causes me to spiral. God do I wanna be loved totally by at least one person on the fucking earth. Thanks for letting me rant tumblr.

I hate this feeling of utter loneliness. Despite having so many people who I love and love me back I still feel like something is missing in my soul. I hate how during these spurts of empty feelings I ponder how easily I could disappear. I’ll be fine, I always am, but in the moment I feel a sickness in my body, an unexplainable sickness.