Cliché Ramblings

we went stargazing

and it was just you, and me, and the stars

(and those teenagers, loudly playing music and laughing, in turn making us laugh)

And it was simple, us giggling along with the teenagers, and I distinctly remember thinking,

"There is no one in the world who knows me better than you at this moment."

And because you took a moment and brought me a cider, remembered that I liked them, even though of course you remembered, it's like the only drink that I drink, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could learn to love you,

not in a loud and passionate way, the way I had always thought love should be, but in a quiet and safe way

So tell me, why do I feel more alone now than ever?

I wanted it to be you so badly,

But instead I had to walk away, not because I wanted to, but because you had already left, decided that it couldn't, and wouldn't work

How can you love someone so much that their friendship can be mistaken for anything other but more?

How can you return to something when you had more, even if only for a short breath?

When it seems as dark as it is right now,

and the well walls are as slippery and inescapable

Now is the time that the heroine thinks of the impossible solution, clings to the wall and drags herself toward the light

one day

you’re humming the song that used to be his, yours together-

Go ahead, shock me. Shock me! That’s right, you can’t. I’ve felt the painful electricity zap me too many times before. I expect pain now, and I’m good at feeling it 

and letting it control me. 

Go ahead. Shock me. Shock me. 

go ahead, Shock me. What do you mean you have no electricity? you have no power? 

I’ll tell you a story of long ago, when men were worse, but we thought better of them 

and damsels did not yet know they could save themselves. 

I’ll tell you a story of the days when we were sure 

that love existed and hopeful that we ourselves could find it. 

I’ll tell you a story of fairytales, for that is all I know to tell. 

slowly increasing. 

drip drip, drip drip, drip drip

steadily, the rain was a storm 

choirs of drops gathered to trap passerbys to join in the harmony 

splashing and welcoming others to join the throng 

puddles on puddles, moving to join together 

the rain fell. drip drip. drip drip. 

and I’m not even on it

I’m not a part 

I have no part 

I’m not even a stagehand 

at least dusting someone else’s shine 

oh how I wish to feast 

on your rhymes and 

to write some of my own 

but, as you can tell, 

I’m not even to rhyme 

I just want to express my pain 

and equally 

my joy 

I will never be enough I fear 

I will never be worth the time 

I want to scream my fears

I want the words and affirmations that come my way to fill me 

I just want to breathe

I want to be held in arms, and truly believe they will always hold me. 

and as the cliché goes, you gave it away 

did you expect me to give up without you? 

to roll over and die from my unrequited love? 

Here I am. Still standing ( yet another cliché)

You’ll have to do more to break me, because I am already beyond repair

None of the stinging words you fling hurt me because I have already thought them 

and i have already cut myself with them, a thousand times over. 

I’m still standing, not to spite you, but thanks to me. 

the one who will sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to a world 

of balls and gowns 

Too late 

I realized

 that this soldier is broken and shattered 

like me 

and I have cut myself on his edges

become tangled in his thorns. 

Too late 

I realize 

that no matter how I reach out or try to be easy to love, I’m not. 

Too late, 

I realize 

that I live up to my own standards of dissatisfaction and people get bored with self-hatred. 

Too late 

I realize 

I said the wrong thing and my broken shattered love is too broken to love me despite that

Are there any white knights on chargers left for the girls like me? 

I don’t know myself 

That nose has never experienced the smells I have experienced 

The mirror is supposed to present me with a familiar friend 

and all I see is a stranger 

I don’t know her

I’m put off by her hair, her smile 

It seems disingenuous

In fact, I know it is

Though I could not tell you why 

Not who I could be 

Love me for who I am