An adult yet a still child

Although it hurt to see him suffering, it really meant a lot to me that he felt safe to express his repressed feelings to me.

I accept what I know

It just hurts to accept it

My dad who was suppose to help mold his daughter was the first man to make me feel insecure about myself. Always pointing out how I would look prettier if I lost weight or comments like “idk why you’re so fat” or comments about how I shouldn’t eat this or that or simply just grabbing my stomach as a joke and laughing.

Then fast forward, I find “the love of my life.” And what does he do? Also make me feel insecure. To the point where I develop an eating disorder and start self harming because no matter how much weight I lose, I’m still fat. I’m fat, sad, starving, suicidal, but hey at least I have someone who “loves” me right?

Then I meet someone else. I get strung along only to feel insecure again. To be told “I’ll date you if you lose weight.” And what a fool I am. I told everyone “at least he never comments about my weight, he likes me for me.” Or what about when he said “no guy will ever take you seriously at that weight.”

I’m not stupid. I’m not blind. I know I’m not skinny. I know I need to lose weight. But why is it so hard to love me for me. Why do I have to be skinny to be loved.