WELCOME to DOOM TOWN

***

They brought in a puppy. They brought in new blood. They wanted to bring joy into the household. To counter the greyness and oldness and hopelessness and the deafening silence of the dump. They let it sleep inside the house too to keep the ghosts at bay. And in the morning there was piss all over the living room floor and shit in the kitchen. Nothing cute about that now is there. I heated water and poured Nescafe straight from the refill bag to my unwashed chipped cup. The hot water only filled half of the cup. I filled the rest with lukewarm water from the plastic tap and took it to the backyard to get away from the mess. A piece of termite eaten wood has fallen from the roof. I sat at the foamed steel chair riddled with rust nearby with its entrails showing. Drank my coffee with the piece of termite wood by my feet. Everywhere is termites and rust and mold and neglect and damage and decay and greyness and age death on stand by no joy and no hope. The puppy scoots on over to where im sitting and demands attention. I brushed it aside with foot and finished the bitter ugly tasting cup to get my bike. Its almost 7 a.m. im gonna be late. I feel tired already.

A: take my hand in marriage

B: lol

A: rice field wedding . u ok with it?

B: nah im good

A: so u dont want marriage.    casual sex?

B: nah    i have a boyfriend

A: well i already have a pair of DMs but i still bought a pair of Converse

B: lol    hes more than a pair of shoes

A: im more than 5 pairs of shoes though    although im less than a pair of pants

B: ha

A: i can be your mistress

B: how?

A: by fucking the shit out of me then treating me like shit afterwards

B: omg

A: deal?

B: noooo

A: well you dont have to do that all at once we can do it gradually    you can start by lying to me how special i am which would make me           surrender my body and soul to u

B: lmao

A: deal?

B: wwhyyy

A: why what?

B: what are your intentions

A: i just wanna be taken advantage of by you    nothing big, just that

B: im sorryyyy

A: no    that comes later    you saying sorry comes way later when im broken and suicidal thats     when youll use that line

B: no :(

A: well ok    but we can always only have casual sex   to relieve stress you know and break monotony

B: nah it's okay really

A: you are of course aware that im only trying to make you laugh?

B: i understand that you aren't completely serious

A: not completely serious doesnt hit it. i was totally joking

B: lol    okay

A: although if you said yes it would have been totally fine too

B: riiiight

"suck my dick" gabby challenges franco standing over his wiry 4'9 frame slumped against the mossy wall surrounding the house his dead parents left him and his brothers "let's see you whip it out first" franco dares back jay smokes unsteady from all the alcohol we consumed standing too close to the highway as trucks and buses and cars and bikes whizzed by serious and deep in thought pasti all tattooed mischievous and shirtless egging them on his voice full of youthful cockiness "i'll take my dick out of my pants as long as you swear to suck it" "ok let us see you get it out first and then i'll suck it" gabby opens his fly and we all laugh sure that that's as far as it goes "that it? see i know you're too chicken to ..." then in one swift move gabby takes out his dick and pisses all over franco's face who's so drunk all he could do was raise an arm to shield himself from the yellow shower we all laugh hysterically even franco who managed to kick gabby in the shin toppling him to the ground crazy with laughter rolling

pasti has since died from complications brought upon by excessive drinking he was 24 jay now has three kids from a failed marriage still angry and drinking hard franco stopped talking to all of us he lives in a small hut at the back of the house his dead parents left him its walls decorated with the packs of the cigarette he chainsmokes gabby is on meth which makes him drink even harder and more and me i've been an on again off again alcoholic ever since

we drank away the meaningless days and made fools of ourselves and raised hell and said fuck you to a world that didn't make any sense a world full of people and things and institutions you couldn't count on all of us secretly hoping that one day we'd sober up and the days would at last have meaning and the world would at least make sense but i don't think it ever came for any of us

and i kept coming back to the drink like a sanctuary like a church open all night like a mother with wide open arms unjudging and unconditional a shelter holy of holies a refuge

pain's good 

it tells you you're alive

some people say this is a fucked up thing to say

they're lucky

there hasn't been much life here lately

no love no beauty no warmth

it's always nuclear winter when you've used up all the seasons

all that's left is a grinding screeching 24/7 thing barely audible above the badly written dialogue

like the sound your brakes make when they're stuck and dragging

but you dare not stop

just another thing you learn to live with

february cracks and brings you to your knees

you take love by the blade and grasp

and not let go

and bleed 

and feel again

and bleed and live again

and bleed and breathe again

like its forever