ianthe-ing | ianthe-thing

beautiful goth femme (bgf), from what i know of her so far, is much more even-tempered than i am, less of a control freak. she is happy to let gideon drive. she thinks gideon's favorite animated show is deep (whereas i annoyed her by constantly bringing up that it was copaganda). bgf isn't codependent at all; she has a completely full life of her own and when gideon leaves her place or vice versa she's like "bye! :)"

and on the other hand there were parts of my relationship with gideon that i really cherished, and that i can tell gideon is having a hard time letting go of as well. bgf does not do pda at all, and that is really hard for gideon, who loves being As Gay As Possible in public (and so do i). gideon is kind of a clingy bitch, and it can be very jarring to date a non-clinger! you feel really rejected!

and biggest of all, bgf is not from the kink scene and is historically more of a subby bottom. and while she says she is open to learning to dom, gideon is hesitant to sub for her. she isn't sure that bgf is capable of or interested in some of the things she wants. i said she has to give her the chance, and that every dynamic is different. but i can tell that gideon worries that she will never have that thing that we had, the total sexual ease and openness, the full confidence that whatever freaky thing she imagined, i would do my best to make it happen, and vice versa.

and honestly, i worry about that too. i hope that i can find that with someone else, along with the other things i loved about our relationship: gideon's mom and stepdad, feeling so welcome at their house, our shared love of going way over-the-top for every holiday, what getting a puppy would have meant to us, making up stupid songs together, that specfically butchfemme flavor of devotion and protection flowing from each side. i had a lot of chemistry with six, but ultimately they wanted me to be a type of domme i'm just not.

idk. i have to be patient. i am so so impatient! i don't want to wait around anymore. i want to be in love.

this feeling has been somewhat amplified by going on the world's worst date saturday with a masc (not a butch) who told me within the first five minutes that she has a drinking problem, then pulled out her vape and spent the next forty-five minutes explaining her best friend's abusive situationship with a cop. i paid the bill on a bathroom break and was out of there within an hour.

she was definitely very sweet, but i don't know if we're meant to be--the date had a kind of job-interview vibe to it that was very different from our heated glances across the bar for the past few months. she is trans and in her teens was, i gathered, a warped-tour scene-kid type--she's got gauges and a lot of tattoos, including a huge back piece featuring the sun, moon, and high priestess tarot cards.

i'm not knocking this necessarily--it would be hypocritical, as i too love tarot--but i got the sense, as she asked me my sign and took it very seriously, that she is not one of the "tarot is a cool historical artifact and a fun mode of self-reflection but not Actually Magic" types. she genuinely was like, "this is what leos are like. this is what geminis are like. i am the high priestess." you know?

she is from LA and new orleans and was part of a whole burlesque scene in new orleans, and i can definitely see that in her aesthetic--she looks like if you tried to make a rockabilly girl but you only had access to a 2026 closet and makeup kit. unfortunately this is my eternal issue with loving alt girls--so many of them have hot topic roots, and i simply do not, and we do not share many references.

it was interesting to be on a date with a fem for the first time in ages. i think i gravitate toward mascs not entirely because i prefer them but because i prefer the directness of their interest in me. i don't love the fem4fem dance of trying to figure out who is brave enough to hold hands/kiss/etc. we did kiss, and she is a good kisser, very gentle, very sweet. i was into it but not overwhelmed, but i caught myself performing a little bit of overwhelm for her, because she seemed so hesitant, and i wanted to reassure her i was having a good time. but still, i don't like to feel performative.