#ianthe dates

they sent me back to my seat after and followed a few minutes later and whispered, “sorry, i had a work thing”

she was definitely very sweet, but i don't know if we're meant to be--the date had a kind of job-interview vibe to it that was very different from our heated glances across the bar for the past few months. she is trans and in her teens was, i gathered, a warped-tour scene-kid type--she's got gauges and a lot of tattoos, including a huge back piece featuring the sun, moon, and high priestess tarot cards.

i'm not knocking this necessarily--it would be hypocritical, as i too love tarot--but i got the sense, as she asked me my sign and took it very seriously, that she is not one of the "tarot is a cool historical artifact and a fun mode of self-reflection but not Actually Magic" types. she genuinely was like, "this is what leos are like. this is what geminis are like. i am the high priestess." you know?

she is from LA and new orleans and was part of a whole burlesque scene in new orleans, and i can definitely see that in her aesthetic--she looks like if you tried to make a rockabilly girl but you only had access to a 2026 closet and makeup kit. unfortunately this is my eternal issue with loving alt girls--so many of them have hot topic roots, and i simply do not, and we do not share many references.

it was interesting to be on a date with a fem for the first time in ages. i think i gravitate toward mascs not entirely because i prefer them but because i prefer the directness of their interest in me. i don't love the fem4fem dance of trying to figure out who is brave enough to hold hands/kiss/etc. we did kiss, and she is a good kisser, very gentle, very sweet. i was into it but not overwhelmed, but i caught myself performing a little bit of overwhelm for her, because she seemed so hesitant, and i wanted to reassure her i was having a good time. but still, i don't like to feel performative.

but i was having a picnic for my birthday yesterday and i invited them both, which was the first time they’ve spent time in each other’s presence since gideon crashed the fuck out about me kissing six at a party months ago.

me: just so you know, six will be at the picnic until 3:30

gideon: …

…

…

gideon: i thought they moved away

they were both admirably chill about it, though. gideon read my tarot cards and six looked on with interest, and even though they later disagreed with her interpretation in a text, they also told me that it was interesting and informative to see me interact with gideon in person, and that she clearly cares for me a lot. “i love you and when you love other people i think that means i love them a little bit too,” they said.

i told gideon this later and i think it soothed some of her worries about six. she wanted to know if the fact that i dated them so quickly after her meant that i never loved her, and i told her no, not at all.

then she told me she’s been dating the very pretty goth femme i saw her with at a party this weekend. surprisingly, i wanted to hear all about it. this girl is drop-dead gorgeous, very chill energy, feels strongly about femmes being protectors. she’s very into video games, something gideon loves that i could never connect with her on. they like the same tv shows and music. this girl is trying to be a professional musician; she has a manager and an agent and a spotify profile. she works in perfume for her day job. they have similar upbringings and trauma. and she’s very very into gideon; when gideon mentioned she might have to move states, this girl was like, “i’ll get on a plane.”

so far, the only thing they don’t have in common is that this girl is not especially experienced in kink. she’s interested in gideon’s knives and understands that she’s a switch, but she’s never dommed anyone. gideon told me “i’m scared i’ll never find the type of dynamic you and i had. i’m scared i’ll never feel safe with her like i felt with you.”

and i mean i don’t know if this girl can do it but i feel certain she will at least try. the sex is apparently great aside from that, and she was very down, hypothetically, for the Gideon Experience(tm). gideon said “i’m scared to let her try. i belonged to you for real, and it was really hard to lose that. i don’t know how many more belongings i have in me.”

and i told her that’s the whole point of life. to risk it all, over and over. you should risk it a little with this girl, i said. even if it doesn’t work out—i mean, you will find it again. it took you only a few months to get with a girl who looks like the hex girls and is hotter and more goth than me. gideon laughed and said you guys are equally hot, and i said don’t lie. and we hugged and she cried.

(they have the most incredible mouth. their upper lip curls up a little, and their lips are always pink. the first time we hooked up they made me say “please, please, please,” and when they said “please what?” i said “please kiss me again,” and i still remember the look on their face, as if i had startled them into tenderness by my wholesome request. and that was before i knew they almost never kiss anyone at all.)

i made them watch moonstruck early in our time together, and they loved the part where cher says to nic cage, “i’m telling you your life.” they told me my life: you’re too good, you’re too generous, you have a big ball of light in your chest and you give it away to whoever asks. stop managing your lovers’ emotions for them. find somebody who can do that for themselves. be meaner. be more selfish. believe that you deserve to have good things and to keep them for yourself.

and i told them theirs: your family uses you as their whipping boy. you ignore your own pain because you think it’s your job to take it and it’s slowly killing you. move away from them, stop taking all their calls. stop expecting that if you make just one more concession they will recognize your humanity in exchange. they won’t. they don’t see you. you are so good and so beautiful and yet you live your life as if you are a burden on others when you are actually a gift. any femme should be so lucky to be with you. you have your pick; act like it.

i miss them already even though i know it is right for both of us for them to move away and live this exciting new life they’ve built for themselves. i need to be single and they need to start fresh. i’m so happy for them. i hope all their dreams come true.

and like, no, but also, i hope the next person i date is my wife, so like could i handle being co-topped by my future wife + my one that got away? i think maybe not, but i won’t say definitely no

also i know six would enjoy that but i think they would enjoy it even more if i were dating a femme, because i am the first lesbian femme with the double m they’ve dated and two of those at once would probably bluescreen their service top programming

they basically asked if i would be willing to consider an open relationship of some kind while they live in another city, and i said no. i am pretty monogamous and i want big sweeping romance. i want to be chosen and i want to get married again someday. and i want the person i'm with to consider me the love of their life and to drop everything to be with me.

and i acknowledged that if they did that based on a month of fucking that would be insane, and i don't want them to do that, and so while i'm not closing the door to the possibility of them being that person for me if they ever move back to NYC....they would have to move back to NYC. i said if they want that from me they are just going to have to hope that i don't meet my wife while they're gone.

but last night i was teasing them about how i’m going to this leather event today that they’re not able to attend, and whether i might play with somebody else, and i said “but you wouldn’t be jealous, right? i can find any hot dyke and call them [title i have not yet called six]?”

and i have never seen them like that—they started actually growling, and proceeded to edge me for an hour and a half telling me to say i belonged to them. and i said but you’re moving in a month, how can you say i belong to you when you’re going to leave me behind? and they said what if i kept you instead?

we showered after. they look so beautiful soaking wet. their long dark eyelashes cling together. i kept thinking of that word, starlike—the way i write things and then they happen to me, instead of the other way around, sometimes.