I Am Shit I've Said

IDK anything right now. What do I do with NK? What about BH and CK? Why don't I hang out with underclassmen? I don't care about people anymore. Why? DE is driving me insane. She treats people like crap and then smothers me! I'm unorganized. I procrastinate and have no discipline or commitment. I wanna eat right and exercise, but no bueno. I'm trying hard to be happy for MN and listen to MR talk about IC, but I can't do it anymore. I guess I'm jealous of MN. Not mad jealous, but I just want what she has and now I don't know what I want....I'm avoiding B cause...IDK why and I just wanna hang out with JG all day. Her and MN. I just want someone to tell me what I'm doing! I know You should be the most important, but that's obviously not happening. 

The first weekend B and JG came over. We had fun and talked. B was listening to music and turned into thinking mode. He ended up telling us that he had almost killed himself this summer. He was driving though Houston to his dad's listening to my mix. God that freaks me out. He was listening to something I made him when he almost died! It freaked me out. It bonded us though. Bam was pretty stand offish for the first few weeks. Now were all good though. The first month was pretty up and down. 

Anyway, school started. B came back and for the first week I didn't know how our friendship would be. We both didn't really know what to say. I still like him even now, but I'm happy with how close we are now. Oh ok, so he went out with MT for like four days and they broke up. [He and DE also made out WHILE she was dating EB] He likes JG. JG was dating JH, but B liked her too much to be dating MT. Now JG and B are both broken up, but he and JG aren't dating. It was weird with JG and me at first cause we both knew it would be weird with DE, NM, me and her. 

Wow, it's been a while God. 2 months almost exactly. So much has changed and happened. MN came home two weeks before school started. Me, MN, and DE had a blast. Me and MN bonded again so fast. We played tennis and just chilled for two weeks. She's gorgeous. Wow. We all went and stayed at the lake house for a weekend and totally bonded. It was so much fun! JN and MN were "talking." BH and CK backed off when MN came and we haven't really hung out since. They won't hang out with the people I hang out with so...

I didn't really know what what to think of JG at first. She seemed fine and happy with life at camp. Now I don't really know how exactly this whole hero complex thing works yet God, JG and I have fun. When we hang out we laugh and blah blah blah but the core of our friendship comes from our deep conversations which involve b-ball and most of the time JG's stuff with AD. Which is fine with me. But I guess what I'm saying is that the core of our friendship is based on her having problems. When she likes a guy and is eating and worried about all that stuff she's fine. I guess its like I don't feel needed anymore. I'm not not sure how to fix that. 

DE and I stayed up talking on the phone [she wouldn’t let me sleep in case I had a concussion] from 10:10 (10:09:57) til 2:13 am. We talked about everything under the sun. DE said that at about 2 I stated getting weird and saying stupid things, but whatever! LOL I ate food, watched a movie, cleaned my room, and rode the exercise bike for like 2 1/2 hours! I weighed myself today and I had lost 4lbs! anyway at like 4 I started cleaning and washing up for work, but mom came in at 4:30 and was like, M what are you doing up? I tried to tell her my clock was wrong and that I’d just gotten up too early, but she kept asking all these questions. I left at 5:10 to drop by DE’s before work. She talked to me while I drove so I wouldn’t fall asleep and I chilled at her house for a few minutes. Work was crazy. I was like sleepwalking and hallucinating.  It was so bad! After work mom met me at the thrift store and as acting suspicious. Eventually, she asked me what was up. I tried to lie again, but to no avail. Finally she was just like, M tell me what’s up. So I told her everything. She was ok with it. I mean she said that our trust was broken, but she wasn’t mad and she could tell I learned my lesson. She also said she wouldn’t tell DE’s parents at all or at least until DE’s court date. I went home and tanned and slept til 9. It felt so good. I told DE my parents knew and she was like okay. We were both kinda relieved actually. I can’t believe DE stayed up with me all night. Every half hour at least, DE sent me a text or called me to make sure I was okay. She had so much going on, but took the time to make sure I was okay. She’s just as tired as I am, but made sure I was okay first. I don’t think very many of my friends would do that. I knew MN would. JG might have stayed up with me, but idk if she would have texted and called me so much. NM would and so would MR. CK might. BH def would. IDK this whole thing has really made me think.

So me, CB, and DE went to play tennis at Mckees. Well, me, DE, and CB have this thing where we we wanna sneak into the Mckee pool late on night while it's closed and swim in it. So after a few mins of tennis we climb over the fence and jumped in. I wasn't worried. No one could see us and no ones gonna come up there so....no bid deal right? Well we were just chillin in the pool when I was like hey, I'm gonna go jump off the lifeguard stand into the water. So I jump off the one in the shallow end. It was kinda fun, but then I see the one in the 8ft section. I swim over there and climb up. I was contemplating doing a flip, but decided on a dive instead. Right before i jump in CB goes, “Be careful, don’t hit your head.” Okay I say. I go up in a swan divined concentrate on keeping my legs straight and going in smoothly. I go gliding through the water and next thing I know, my head slams into the bottom of the pool. Somehow, I flip over really fast and shoot to the top. My eyes were open on the way up and everything started to spin. I knew I had to get to the top or I’d pass out in the water. My face broke the surface and I yelled, “Holy Shit!” and put around and grabbed the side of the pool. CB and DE started laughing. I found out later that they had been joking about how bad it would be if I hit my head and passed out. Anyway, they kept laughing nervously and told me to swim over to them. So I went. We were all freaked out, but we calmed down and started to get out of the pool. We were really nervous about bing there all of a sudden. But before I climbed out, DE was like, “M let me see your head.” She looks at it and goes, “OMG you have a huge bald spot!” I thought she was kidding, but then CB agreed. So we quickly climbed out and went in [the bathroom] for a better look. Sure enough, a huge chuck of my hair had fallen out. It looked like someone had buzzed it off. By this time, I was pretty freaked out. DE was still laughing (because she laughs when she’s nervous and/or scared). Then we found the chunk of my hair that had fallen out. It was huge. I started screaming and shaking. We threw it away and ran outside to leave. Then the payphone outside of the building started to ring. Yeah the payphone. It was like a scary movie. I’m still worried it my have been security teling us to leave and I hope they didn’t get the plate number on my car. We went back to DE’s and changed cloths. Then we combed my hair so you couldn’t see the bald spot. We were all a nervous wreck. How do we get out of this?

Give me patience. The bravery to stand up for what I believe. The drive to keep going. The power to fight for what I want, the passion to change the world, the dreams to keep me pushing forward, and enough love to fill the ocean. Help me to remember that loves a choice. It takes time, effort, discipline, control, commitment, and dying to self. BUT, in the end the rewards out way the work by 10000000000. 

Never let me forget that I love service. Don't let me forget my passions. Help me to use them for You and to figure out where I'm headed in life...Help me not to ditch people or put them on the back burner. Hlep me not to worry so much about next year and to let you handle it.  

Be with BW God. That boys life is so messed up! It makes me so angry that the men in his life are so stupid! Help him to find himself and settle down and not get into trouble so much. Show him love like he's never seen and let that heal him in ways he could never imagine. Help him to go to the right school next year and for he and [the gf] to be who you want them to be. Don't let him get so depressed that he kills himself God. He scares me Jesus. If anything happened to him Lord I'd blame myself. Help me to be the friend he needs and please help him not to end up liking me!

Be with B. He's such an awesome person. I'm begging you to help him come back next year. Thank you so much for bringing him into my life. Help him to be having a great summer and to stay out of trouble. 

JN's been so nice lately. IDK if it's just because M has been telling him to or if he's really changing or some of both, but he's been so nice to everyone. He's never been so nice to me! I love it! Help it to be genuine. Help him to keep finding You and himself and be with him and M's friendship. IDK where it will end up, but help them to be friends in the end no matter what. Be with JW, he's so cool! Thanks for him. 

Well, well, well for once it hasn't been two months between entries! LOL ....My grandpa says, "You can be anything you want in life; but you can't be everything you want. Help me to prioritize and make sure I have time for You and myself...Be with M. Help things with JN to go well and for her to have found herself this summer. Thank you for her friendship. She's my soul mate. Don't let me forget that.   

Wow Jesus, I haven't talked to you all summer. So much and so little has happened. JN and M are talking a lot. I liked B for a week and now I haven't talked to him in like a month...D and I have become food friends. She's really cool...The other day I was getting so freaked out that everyone won't get along next year. It still scares me at times...Idk what to do with them. 

JG was like, "Let's go for a drive." We jumped in and I sped out. We drove behind city lake with the windows down and didn't say a word for the longest time. I've never driven so fast. We wandered around on all these back roads. We were happy and talking,,.then headed back to the school. I couldn't think of any more long-cuts so we sat and talked on a bench for a while. Her dad said it was time to go. I hugged her forever and told her to take care of herself. Then she left. I felt so alone. I went to M's and ate ice cream and slept. I woke up and went home. I cried the whole way. Then the next morning I woke up to these texts saying GD had been in a wreck and broken his neck. I started crying again at work. But he's okay. He broke it but he's fine. He's so lucky. I miss B and JG so bad. B and I talked for like 1 1/2 hours. I miss them so much! I still haven't been able to talk to JG. That sucks! I've never had this feeling before! I miss them! It hurts!

[Later the morning after grad] B wanted to go to Sonic. He said he wanted to talk some more. I asked if he wanted JG to go and he said, "No, just me and you." I don't know if seeing JG hurt too much after TZ or if our conversation the night before really just meant a lot to him, but we went. We got our drinks and then B said we should just drive. So, like tradition, we rolled the windows down and listened to all "our" songs. We went to the Safari and blared music the whole way. We passed people, went off roading, and got this guy mad at us. It was the most fun ever! We got back and went to find JG. I gave her her stuff and then we just hung out. But what do you say when you've only got an hour left? We had no idea when we'd see B again. We helped him get his stuff and then his dad came. I was terrified. My stomach was going crazy. I was shaking and couldn't breath right. We asked for like 5 more minutes. JG was already crying. I wasn't, but almost. I walked a little bit in front of them and and then they stopped. B was like, "Megan, come here."I lost it then and me, JG, and B just fell into each other's arms and cried. We prayed for him and then he left. JG and I just stood there and watched him leave.