hi my name is ______,

bye

i do to some extent 🤔

this is one of the most thoughtful thing a stranger has said to me 🥺 thank you! i appreciate ur kindness!!

I call this: Lost, Reborn, and Serenity

merry christmas 2020 to everyone who comes across reading this. truly it is a blessing to experience love and to experience love from afar. i am trying my best to stay present in the moment. ngl it’s very hard. but nonetheless, i think it’s worth something that i (we) am still here today. i hope i (we) continue to keep fighting for ourselves no matter what ♥︎

i painted my goddamn feelings today. also i made a wordpress account @ iammoesha so whatever i guess

my new twitter header 😊 i’m starting to feel like these may be the last few years of me being sane because quite honestly i feel insane and don’t really feel much like myself. don’t really know who i am anymore. i keep making up fake identifies to hide my pain and it’s not really working tbh 🤡 all i do is cry behind it all. like i wish i could really say fuck everyone and really mean that shit but no. so i hope a car runs me over or something because this isn’t fucking worth it i don’t care what anybody says anymore cuz i’ve been thru too much fucking pain and i’m tired of feeling pain and the only way to feel numb is to be DEAD! duh! hahahahahahaha why is dying so fucking FUNNY.

each episode i have literally feels like a piece of my brain falling off. sometimes i genuinely wonder what is my life expectancy with these sort of issues. at the same time, probably best that i don’t know. i don’t even want to know. the craziest and most real about all of this is that i’m starting to have minor short term memory loss. i’ll legit be in the middle of an argument and i kid you not, forget things i’ve said literally a minute ago and it makes me look and feel like such a fool. even now, i’m at lost for words.

idk why but being in therapy at age 21/22 versus at 18/19 is so much more different for me e.g. it seems like I am just now understanding what a life I lived and starting to reflect more but also starting to put my adult perspectives on my childhood memories which brings me to tears every single time. it’s weird because at first the memories themselves made me sad. then getting older, the circumstances around the memories made me sad. now today, i understand the memory in its entirety and now i feel sorry for myself in everything i had to go through as a kid because no kid deserves that. maybe that is called “finally forgiving one’s self” or getting closer to that step. but my therapist brought up an interesting point after i had complained that it seems like nobody i have ever met comes close to having a similar story like mine, which makes me always feel alone. there’s been a few people i’ve come across in life but not many. and she says that not all of us have made it out alive but a few do. so um anyways i’ll be crying my eyes out for the rest of the day and just pick myself up tomorrow lmfao