an over-gilded doorknob @iamnotshazam - Tumblr Blog

i cant come in to work today the connection between my spirit and my body was permanently severed

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victusinveritas

"Close Personal Friend Mr. Drugs" has had me roaring with laughter for the last few minutes.

saltoncity

“i love how we as a fandom have just agreed that–” don’t include me in this. do NOT lump me in with that.

bas-rouge

jewish-joy

Last year, I befriended a Catholic seminarian. We've gotten to be pretty decent friends. Seeing as he was staying in town for the summer and I wasn't, I entrusted him with caring for my plant.

He did a wonderful job, but as he was returning my plant to my custody, he explained "I watered her every other day, I gave her new dirt, moved her into the sunshine, prayed the rosary-"

"What?"

He looked at me, confused. "Isn't she a plant you pray with?"

"No," I said slowly. "She's a prayer plant. That's the... colloquial name of the plant."

Upon seeing his stricken face, I realized something went wrong. Turns out, this entire time, he's been including my plant in on his prayers and leaving her near icons.

Listen, totally cool. My plant becoming Catholic is a great deal for her not dying over the summer. But now I must navigate this interfaith household. Keep me in your thoughts.

jewish-joy

#i love prayer plants but they're fussy so I don't keep them#can we have a picture op they're so pretty

Behold, Dorothea

(Naming my plant "Gift of God," and then giving her to a seminarian with just the explanation that it's a prayer plant? Okay, that's my bad.)

jewish-joy

I should also add- I ran into my rabbi and explained the situation. I then asked, earnestly, if there was a remedy. A mikveh of sorts, or a beit din, or something.

He turned to me, sighed, and said in a very deadpan tone-- "Plants don't have covenants, Joy,"

So Dorothea's a free agent according to rabbinic opinion. I guess I'll permit her to be Roman Catholic.

#plants don't have covenenants joy is my new 'jasper is my cat'

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lesbianboyfriend

i’m already living in a time loop it’s called being employed

feraligatr

one day im going to snap and just show this pic to my hairdresser

feraligatr

favourite exchange ever on this website btw

natalieironside

[Stomping around the kitchen talking into a landline phone] Oh, look who came crawling back. You nevah call, you nevah write, but now all of a sudden you've got time for your poor, sick mother. What kind of trouble did you get yourself in now? Was it that wizard and his tomes again? Oh, no, I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear about any "unspeakable curse" or any "demon runeblade" or any "infernal demon-knights of Kal'Nurothas" or whatevah. You're just like your fathah.

natalieironside

"Ma! Ma, there'sa fuckin DRAGON outsideah the apahtment! MA!"

dovesndecay

firebirdeternal

"I have never seen a cat that showed affection/love for it's owner" is the pet ownership version of "I don't believe in Female Orgasms they don't exist, after all, my wife has never had one"

cheezylueezy

ready to get wet? *fckin waterboards u*

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retroscifiart

Marc Hempel ‘Spaceman: Daydreaming Can Be Dangerous’. I originally posted only the first page of this brilliant comic. Now here is the full illustrated story. Scanned from short lived sci-fi magazine Questar, February 1980.

lakemojave

People are unfazed if you hate women but if you dislike dogs they assume you're a bad person

lakemojave

Tumblr users will read a post complaining about normalized misogyny and hyperfocus on your claim that it's ok to dislike dogs

sanlorenzoherald

good morning

sztupy

thatlittleegyptologist

You’ll need the link!

We got Musk off our land. Let's build a monument to remind him he's a sad little b**** with no friends.

crabussy

NNNNEVER BE WELL KNOWN ON TUMBLR. SO MANY OF YOUR POSTS WILL BE SEEN BY HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE AND NOT ALL OF THEM WILL AGREE WITH YOU (WHICH IS FINE) AND SOME OF THEM WILL BE SENSIBLE ENOUGH TO BLOCK YOU OVER IT (WHICH IS FINE) AND IF YOU ARE FUCKED IN THE BRAIN THIS WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. OR AT LEAST NIBBLE YOU ALIVE.

crabussy

reasons people might have me blocked: controversial opinions on pasta, I appear too often on their dash, I eat other animals #omnivore, I get too grumpy about the northern hemisphere, my posts remind them of their dad(?), I like wizards a suspicious amount, I'm twenty, I love to make my posts eleventy katrillion kilometres long, my art was too weird and gay for them, I accidentally reblogged from an axe murderer,

NOT a reason people might have me blocked: I have been a secret bigot this whole time without knowing and have been making posts like I HATE PUPPIES AND ELDERLY LADIES without realising

crabussy

ACTUALLY YEAH does anyone with OCD or similar who has found a way to deal with this specific nauseating source of anxiety have ANY ADVICE. I am fucking under attack from my own noggin

injuries-in-dust

lakemojave

@inneskeeper

flagellant

...I want to refute this but no, I....yeah

tundrakatiebean

[captions]

Person on screen: needs a couple pats of butter, a splash of olive oil, simmered on low with a bay leaf and a cinnamon stick. What?! You never seen a boy who knows his way around the kitchen?

Yeah my mom always wanted a little girl but she got stuck with me instead. That wasn’t gonna stop her though so all my friends were opening up nerf guns and bmx bikes on their birthday, I was getting crockpots.

(scene changes to the person dressed in a nice black suit jacket, bright pink dress shirt, and black tie) Yeah laugh it up! Take a picture while you’re at it 'cause this is the last time you’ll ever see me in a suit! How do boys wear these things??

(scene changes to the person dressed in the same shirt and tie with no jacket and the shirt cuffs unbuttoned and rolled up, with purple nail polish on their nails) No, I don’t know how to fight. I was only ever taught how to deescalate situations with healthy communication and emotional validation.

coldwateriztasty

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letterful

— ANNA KAMIEŃSKA, trans. Clare Cavanagh & Stanisław Barańczak.

itsalwaysdark

you have to be careful reading too many things that are good/smart/well-written bc then you encounter something that isnt and you get confused like ? why didnt they just make this good ? were they stupid

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an over-gilded doorknob