My muse

You can find it through this link https://medium.com/@mishraipsita

Thank you for the appreciations and the time you made to read my non-substantial blogs. I am glad I had a community of Readers here who are enthusiastically open minded.

I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel since I will be waiting for you on the other side :)

What would you do if you were given a choice to choose between the thing you want the most and something you love a lot? Would you give love a chance? Is letting go of our dreams the right decision?

It is hard for me to understand how human beings have the ability to walk away from the things they care about as if it never existed in the first place. We clutter our bad memories and throw them away into a dark void and go on about our lives as if it does not have the power to bother us. We have become so resilient in overcoming our setbacks that we have forgotten to allow love have some power over us. Is it a really bad thing to not let love destroy us even a little bit? How do you find yourself if you do not lose the edges that were meant to be mended?

I would be so wrong to judge someone trading off their passion for desires because people have different reasons to stick to the decisions they make. We want to tag along with something which provides a safe haven for our demons to get comfortable. It gives us a sense of belonging in the world because everyone fears to be forgotten. What if you are able to create a little space just for yourself which is so sacred to you that you do not let anyone else invade into it? Does it not make it special which is only accessible to you and exists only in your mind? What if you were to lose sense of all your consciousness tomorrow? Do you also lose what you held special?

Trying is such a thing that exists because nobody appreciates it. Sometimes it takes more than simply trying to get a thing done and that is where we tend to overlook its importance. Imagine you are trying hard to get that perfect score card but all you could manage to do is barely sail through the examination with a few good marks, God bless the professor! Does it mean all those efforts were wasted since it did not really work out the way we ''wanted'' it to? I think it is a little sad how easily we convince ourselves of all the things that we are not and make it worse by believing in it.

It is a compelling habit of mine to write blogs back to back without long breaks and then taking a gap of hundred days in between because I cannot really understand how my senses respond to change. It is quite fascinating if you could put yourself in my shoes for once and try to understand how unconventionally things work out with me but I wouldn't superimpose since I would be asking too much of someone who is not acquainted to relate everything on a spiritual note. I do not believe in the existence of ''certain Gods'', who can be invoked by performing a few physically draining rituals although my belief in Karma establishes the notion of tit for tat quite similarly as the ritualistic practices. I do not persuade people to share my opinions since it is offensive to completely discard other's views and practices while establishing mine over theirs, I am not a complete narcissistic. I like to believe that I am not equipped with enough knowledge about the functioning of the state of the world on the basis of ritualistic admiration since graduating in science has made me to always find a pragmatic approach to problems and look for solutions that could be rationally explained. Those that cannot be derived are termed as infinite or unambiguous instead of leaving it upto the Gods to decide the course of everything unknown to us. That sort of laziness should be abhorred at the earliest because we are not supposed to be tamed like domestic animals. You might be thinking what has all this got to do with trying! The fact that I am trying to comprehend my views while also accommodating others opinions cannot just be the outcome of a series of logical reasoning adorned with rational arguments. It takes trying to make space for contradicting views and not acknowledging the efforts put behind it takes a toll on the future probability of good outcomes.

Why do you think nations keep diplomatic ties with one another even while preaching self reliance the moment a crisis hits them like an unprecedented natural calamity? We have bombs that could blow off entire cities to dust in a matter of minutes. Do we really need to be engaging in so many bilateral and multi-lateral talks when every other opponent seems to be caring more about their interests than ours? Does it seem fulfilling to watch a series of engagements being held while so little outcome is achieved at the end of the day? The fascinating thing is that we try to accommodate others opinions to develop better arguments for our sake. If we do not engage in conversation that does not enrage our sleeping neurons, are we really learning anything at all that could be deemed useful?

The one terrible thing with writing is facing roadblocks or as we call it a ''writer's block'' that inevitably makes us conscious about our lack of expression while at the same time leaves us helpless because we cannot create anything that we feel is significant. For instance I would prefer to stick with roadblock than writer's block since I am only a person like everyone else around me who is trying to find that beam of light amidst the chaos and there is nothing that I do different than others which could put me on a level to associate myself with privilege only the deserving should be given.

Given the prevailing circumstances and how we are thrown with bad news all around the world only to read it while sipping our nutritious juice with the morning newspaper and to forget it when the hour hand of the clock slips past noon, it is both astonishing and confusing at the same time. Surprisingly we do not know what has led us to this moment in history when so many wrongs can happen to so many innocent people without any fault from their part. Confusingly we do not know how our inactions are supposed to help others because it rarely happens that we are encouraged to do nothing yet be deserving of the fruits of good will borne by men and women who give their sweat and blood. I think the reason many of us as I would like to believe are in a state where our minds looms with the idea of uncertainty is because we do not feel comfortable with the idea of benefitting from someone else's work.

People go to workplaces and are employed because they strive to better themselves and find a place amidst the huge pool of talent which at first seems impossible to penetrate into but with courage and a little bit of luck we strive to create our own place. That place determines our worth although along faulty lines because a person's worth is so much more than the occupation or profession he/she indulges in, but to give a fair bit of idea, that worth is what drives most of us to look for another sunshine, to find that rainbow on a dark cloudy summer noon or to even go around looking for Alaska. The whole idea of institutionalised market economy is that it provides an opportunity to people to look beyond themselves and to develop skills which were unknown to them when they started. This gives a sense of partial fulfillment as in even if we could not achieve all that we had wanted to, the least we could have done is to get where we are at present. That sense of contentment over someone's skills gives them the power to utilise the golden years of their life devoting more to the thing from which they can find their worth and achieve a certain level of satisfaction. The unfortunate thing this crisis has done is that it has snatched away that power of self worth from us and made us feel futile for months together.

The circle of life.

Registering someone's death with whom we shared a part of our life is very difficult to deal with. They leave a heap of memories for us to ponder upon for the rest of our lives while they rest in peace. All we are left with is pieces of moments that we try to string together in the pursuit of creating something meaningful out of it. Much to our surprise, we cannot even get past the fact that the person in who's memory we are putting efforts will never rise to see it. Do we stop putting efforts or do we continue in vain?

During the limited time we are given to spread our wings and soar high, we establish different kinds of relationships along the way. From feeling betrayed by someone we looked upto to cradling in all the love we discovered for another, the myriad of feelings develop each day. Some days we are unsure between loving the same person and moving on, other days we feel so over powered with their presence that we lose ourselves in the process. Anger compels us to make stupid choices while hate blinds us to see the reality. Giving in to the feelings while not inculcating the habit to control it makes us guilty of many such decisions we regret forever. Suddenly if one day the person whom we were angered with leaves us without giving us a chance to at least pick up an argument, where do we let out these feelings? They leave us in transit and make a journey to some place we will never know.

Necessitating complications to pare the insecurities we are obliged to sustain within ourselves because of societal norms could be mentally exhausting. Simple things in life are beautiful and do not ask for attention. When our intentions flow from a concerned view about the world or for a person, they have the capacity to make peace if not dodge the entire problem away. However, when feelings pour down from our hazy sense of righteousness to bring about a certain order, or to drive things in a particular manner, it over powers our intentions giving way for prejudices to prevail.

Often times people are perfectly capable of going on about their lives without the need for intervention. They jog, eat the right amount of fruits, and even meditate to keep the anxiety at bay and lead a stable life. Since it is inherent in all of us to find ourselves by establishing authority over someone, the second we begin to do this it torns apart our perfectly imagined way of things. In doing so, we not only give in to the devil's wishes but also lose the ability to cater to the goodness around us.

How tragic could it be to lose something that is not even ours?

Forever sinks into a black hole along with our hope but much to our surprise we find the canvas of our dreams shattered on the ground like little shards of glass that could turn sunlight into a rainbow when it hits at the right angle or it would pierce through the skin tearing the veins and hurting like a thousand words of a lost poem.

Why do we feel the urge to control everything around us knowing that certainty is a concept humans ignorant of their self adhere to?

Optimism is a drug that hits us hard whenever we feel shit of losing a thing from our hold only to realise the importance of all things dear to us which we treasure and caress like our own baby yet at the same time know that some things last only for so long to teach us a lesson or two about the functioning of the world just so we are equipped well with experience to comprehend the nature of people we must absolutely avoid in order to save ourselves from falling into the same trap twice is that which is crafted with vision even Arjun would not have seen coming.

What does living in constant fear of death or the invincible feeling that something bad could happen to someone you love do to you?

I have tasted the world through you,

And it is neither sweet nor bitter,

But all sorts of magical things which exists in in the darkness,

Yet disappears into thin air in the blink of an eye.

The shadows casted by the leaves,

Look like a trail we have walked on making memories,

Even if I do not behold many of them,

Why does it seem so appealing like the entire world subsides in my little head?

Times of chaos bring a sense of spiritual awakening,

When things go south the voices telling me to be a rebel,

I suppose the mind has not come to terms with acceptance of the impossible,

How do I tame a thing the heart denies even as it wrenches my throat every time at its thought?

Since when do we let weather decide the course of our journey,

People meant to be together fight wars while holding onto their beloved's memories,

We are skeptical of the consequences that tomorrow will bring us,

But that is no reason not to challenge the way of nature and losing a part of our being.

Happiness and strength seem unanimous,

Whenever your thoughts echo in the room,

Why do people derive pleasure from weakness?

There is so much more to love than what meets the desires and expectations of a wretched lover.

Goodwill surmounts the evil,

A little exaggeration could be traced back to every lover's desperation,

If we held on to only what is right,

How can we be honest about our selfishness to become the centre of everything which attracts more poison than well being?

The rose is not the series of unfortunate events that follows,

But it is the unwavering gratitude we purposefully want to express,

The lines of chivalry and being rotten has been blurred,

It did not take us too long to crush our imagination and box it so that it can fulfil our individual perspectives.

May you find what conflicts your mind and heart,

Even if it is short lived it would bring with it all nuances of passion,

May you explore what frightens and sends chills down the spine,

Evolution did not make us intelligent. It taught us to create new things that would make us less miserable.

I am no statistician nor have I co-authored any research paper. The reason for pointing out this naked truth is to warn you lovely readers to not take up seriously whatever I say. All the stats and metaphors used are decorative and backed completely by my own imagination. So let's look at reality. 

The 7.7 billion humans who are scattered around our massive blue planet have an undefined purpose behind pursuing all dreams and goals. ''We live because of the consequences and not for the experience we get by doing something.'' This blatant fact can be argued in favour of the brilliant premise which presents that the perspective we gain after going through a situation enhances our ability to learn more about the world and also reality is not as dramatic as we thought it would be.

Every time we get ourself occupied with a certain thing no matter the extent to which it enchants us with its beauty or annoyance alike, we are never satisfied with that much of it. People who argue they live for a certain experience would be very grumpy as soon as they have to die after that. Nobody wants to see just a part of something. Going beyond and exploring the unknown is what has brought us to an era where we would be fortunate enough to see and maybe even travel in flying cars. Aeroplanes were not enough that flying cars had to be made and that too electric ones!

My point is, whoever says experiences are what makes our life meaningful is ignorant about the reality that it does not change anything except for creating more avenues for changing times. Experiences could give us an adrenaline rush or teach us a lesson to carry forward, or even make us capable of doing extraordinary things, but everything happens because of the consequences we are subjected to. Situations merely present themselves as a ripe apple. It is the consequence of either eating it that fills our stomach or letting it rot that makes it worthless is what fuels the reality we fear the most.

You could say that consequences stems from our experiences, what we do or don't, or think as right or wrong ultimately prepares us for the next task at hand. Theoretically you could derive it, but practically experience is a static component to the equation of life that under controlled terms and conditions gives somewhat a similar outcome to all the participants who agree to contribute in this study.

To make things simpler consider this example. Let us suppose there is a group of enthusiasts who are adrenaline junkies and love to get new experiences. Each one of them wanted to go for bungee jumping on the mountains. After experiencing, each one had an elevated serotonin component, the hormone responsible to ensure our pleasure. Since everyone tried the same thing, was there anything different? Let's decode this using the premise stated above. 

Here, bungee jumping is experience and elevated serotonin or happiness is the outcome. Since the experience is similar for all the participants and the happiness outcome can be categorized in a specific range for all the participants, does it indicate the consequences that will lead all of them to the reality can be similarly predicted? It is not as you expect.

The consequences for each of the participant will be different even if they have had similar experiences. Why is it so? More importantly how can that happen? We made to sure to keep everything constant, even stabilized the outcome by constraining our participants who were only adrenaline junkies then how could the consequences be different for each one of them? That is because reality is trickier than April's fool day.

The dilemma can be answered through a simple principle. An experience can determine the possibility of the reality but only deciding on how to react on the predicted outcome would lead us to the truth which is nothing but a series of consequences to our decisions. In short, decision making leads to consequences that in turn shapes our reality. No matter how much we try to predict our future, our actions are variables that are determined only when we are subjected to a specific situation. As the God of physics has rightly said, every action has an equal and opposite reaction, our reality is subject to change depending upon how positively or negatively or even moderately we react to our experiences.

A person can positively react in the hypothetical example above and may go on to do many more bungee jumps. He may moderately react and be satisfied with one experience of bungee jumping or may look forward to one more in the future. Lastly he may negatively react by never wanting to do bungee jumping since he/she can finally cross it off from the wish list. So the consequences for all three participants will be different as they will be going different ways even when the outcome of all the three of them being happy is the same. Hence reality is always uncertain. 

I cannot feel the warmth inside,

That would have been enough to keep both of us alive,

I hear a strange murmur in my mind,

Telling me to drop the idea of wishing you to be mine.

I dim the lights, pull the curtains down,

Water my plants until it drowns,

The sun does not see the mess lying on the bed,

It cannot overpower something that has been long dead.

City lights scare me,

Narrow roads do not lead the way,

Nothing was supposed to go down like this,

Memories only bring up bitter crisis.

The sky changed its colour but not you,

Took every ounce of love too,

The brown bird does not greet me,

The pots have been filled with dead leaves as high as my knee.

I cannot get my mind around things that do not exist,

Except I am living them in a box while I get candy as a treat,

The passion seems to have faded,

Stopping my heart before I could have headed.

It is not the reality that matters,

But the certainty that the world never becomes a better place,

We put in our best foot and give it our all,

The roads I have taken.

My favorite place is to be on the road, taking long drives, and letting it all go. It is not a new thing that I have stumbled upon recently and taken a likeness to it. Roads, especially country side and highway roads, and I, go a long time back when we took a fondness to each other in the midst of a necessity. And I am glad how things have evolved since then, yet the heart loves the same old things.

Roads became our companion for a particular period of time in the days not so long before today, being a part of our childhood that we dearly hope to relive it all again. It so happened and started with our father being posted in a small town, when we had to travel to school every day to a city nearby. Never knew we would take a likeness to such an abstract thing, however as it so happens, most of my human connections that I have made with people who I can say I love or have loved, in a way or the other have been mostly associated with some non living objects I prefer to call as friends. After all, a friend can be anyone who shows up at the worst of times to comfort you and supports you through your happiness and pain.

All those years of travelling to and fro from school to back to the place we called our home, the roads have always been a constant friend, guiding us to places while we grew up. From counting the number of similar trees we crossed to pointing out ice cream coned and unicorn shaped clouds, we grew up.

Among the woods I walk,

Beneath the stars I dream,

The night is dark and cold,

While the fireflies sing.

I love how the earth smells,

Reminds me of the good times,

When I played with young kids,

Until we heard the temple bell ring.

I take a swirl, drop a tear,

Not being able to fathom the fear,

Of the moment that is fleeing,

Wounding the heart that is healing.

I touched the leaves, I felt the air,

Lit up a conversation like an old flare,

My home gave out during the winter evenings,

Before it crumbled to pieces in a street so rare.

Dear stranger how do you live life,

One fleeting moment at a time,

Oh dear, how do you feel so alive,

Staring at your lover from behind.

To flaunt your strengths while caressing your hair,

Dancing on the pavement while no one stares,

To bringing comfort when your own desires are not cared,

Smiling through the madness in a hope to be able to share.

The circus of life endures a great many players,

Some old and some young and bold,

Many a lives has been sacrificed,

Last post of this decade🧿

Seems like a lifetime even when moments have passed like seconds. At the beginning of the decade when I was 11 years old to being 21 years old now has been the craziest phase of my life. From living the first 5 years of the decade in one place and making a world out of a place I had never lived before in the next 5 years of the decade, I have had the most fun. It is impossible to pen down the important moments, things or even the people because each one has played a significant part into shaping me to become who I am as a person today.

I have made multiple mistakes of the same kind, be it academics wise, getting my heart broken, or at some point believing people to be who they are as they showed themselves to be, I have lived each kind of emotion and yet I look forward to making the same mistakes and some more may be. I have always liked my life better when things did not work my way because those were the times I have pushed myself to prove my worth and I am genuinely proud of the efforts I put in to have a situation under control even with all the short temperedness.

From being a little, soft hearted, immature and naive kid to being a little, strong, carefree and opinionated adult, I am grateful to everyone who has showed courage to accept me for who I am. For one thing I am most certain of as of this moment is that our achievements hardly tell a thing or two about us. It is rather our shortcomings that provide us with the opportunity to better ourselves for good or bad alike.

The coming decade will be a challenging one, reforming all aspects of my life, however I am glad to know the world a little better and I hope to learn, have fun and make the best experiences in this phase of life.

Unnao gang rape case:

What irks me the most is the shallowness of the entire system we take pride in being a part of. The democracy has been smithered with fear and dictatorship of the powerful has taken control of the driver's wheel. I do not believe penning down my thoughts would make any difference but I cannot contain my voice and be yet another person who chooses to let to go of this. More so I feel deeply about cases when there is absolute abuse of power by those in the position of power to exploit, humiliate and then justify their actions with acts of horror.

*Rape* is a term people seem to be least concerned about. People fail to understand what a girl/woman goes through when she is dragged irrespective of her consent, beaten to shut her up and abused with such great pain that nobody else can understand it. You may blame the girl for all the unconvincing reasons but only the person who has endured the pain and fright would understand. The simple idea of returning to home late at night from college gives my mother chills that she is unable to sleep unless she sees me in one piece after I have entered the home. This is the price we have to pay for our freedom, to live in fear until we are dead.

I am unaware of the many such cases that are pending or circumstances when a girl has been inflicted with such horrors, but I equally feel for all of them including the Unnao trial. I have been told that I do not speak about other such related cases and only limit my posts to the ones flashing in the headlines. I do not feel any differently for any of them and each of them have a similar story that needs to be heard and told again and again. Since I am not a journalist and I am not associated with any vigilante group that have the sources of such happenings, I fail to write about each one of them.

The distress the family goes through when their child is hurt in such a barbaric way is hard to swallow and impossible to understand. They are the ones who have the strength of steel, to be able to support a child through the ordeals of dealing with the aftermath of the horror. They stand as the backbone, instilling confidence and reassuring of a better future even if the present seem to be terribly gloomy. But what happens when the only support system is attacked, threatened and silenced in the name of saving the reputation of the people in power who have ruthlessly hurt their daughter? The father of the Unnao child survivor died after being in the police station after fighting for justice for his daughter. The father who adores his girl, cares for her and provides her with everything even his life at last for his daughter, dies without seeing the face of justice. What happens to the daughter who had to bear all of that and even be a witness to her father's death? What have we come to? Why are we accepting the terms and not revolting against people and systems that take the liberty in hurting our girls and women and take pride in molesting and abusing them?

Choosing to be.

(It is with others that we must not compare)

On days when you feel threatened of your existence,

Because you came across a revolting piece,

That talked of horizons expanding and moons collapsing,

Seamlessly proving a point as though your mind is not enough,

And the number of affairs you are indulged in are not eye catchy,

Or putting up a good smile at the store is not as good as the occasional hot-headed arguments,

All of which only goes on to shed a light on your mind that you are intellectually stubborn,

Make it a point to know and believe that most of the sound we perceive from people we know so little about is no more than a desperate noise.

(It is in ourselves that we must believe in)

Whether it is about the cacophony of bells and vehicles we hear or the tingling of leaves in the air,

It never compares with the calmness of our mind and the gentleness of our heart.

Many difficult situations can be avoided if we only knew how to be kind.

(It is for others that we must sacrifice)

The curtains fall one day without our knowing,

Without a sense of warning about the storm that is headed our way,

Even then dreading the unforseen does not help,

Nor does challenging the inevitable,

However even the glommiest of days have their sunshines,

Hidden under a blanket of shadows,

That does not demand a man of intellect,

Destiny.

We all grow up and more often than not, we leave our pasts behind for good. People say we are scarred by our bad memories and doomed till eternity only because they had been a part of our life a long time ago. But when we look back to the days we were stupider and much younger, we can spot the damascene conversion from that life to the present not more vividly than the burning sun.

Our life is made up in bits and pieces and the nitty gritty of minute details we miss out laughing about. It is not to be taken seriously except when we are getting high or deeply in love with someone, both of which cost our peace of mind a great deal! We make the choices most suitable to us and we either make memories or carve our regrets which are not a part of our failure as otherwise seen from different perspectives. All human beings, smart and stupid alike, should not be held accountable for the things they once used to do as long as they make things happen by taking the right steps later on. We are already too foolhardy to not take climate change seriously, these things are at least still better manageable.

To see a person as a whole is to know what they carry inside the flesh of their brain and the muscles of their heart rather than knowing the smell of their skin and the texture of their bones. We could be with someone our entire lives and yet fail to make them happy fundamentally. To cherish a person when they are dead does no good if we had never made them aware of our warmth. What good could it simply do to remember someone by what they were to us if we could not remember how lovingly silly we made them feel with our presence? Time maybe quantifiable but it is always measured relatively; we might be in one piece but we all play different parts at different times that are differently measured under different circumstances.

Fleeting moments🌻

It does not do any good by carrying bitterness in our hearts forever. That is why even though I am not in good terms with someone and do not wish them to be around in my life, I do wish them good luck. Even though they are not wanted by me, I see no point in why they should not be well somewhere else. We cannot forgive all the wrongs we were unfortunate to receive but a new sun will never dawn upon us as long as we are recreating the past.

Life is so fragile. If we cannot get past our sorrows it will drown us one day or the other. It is not quite right to wear our hearts on our sleeves since it could be misused so easily. There is not enough space to contain the people who would jump at the slightest hint of taking an advantage. But it becomes necessary to blow up ourselves once in a while just to be sure we still have got the flames burning inside of us. Only a dead man would be cold and not know.

Any time I come across a philosopher's notes I see no other reason but to believe all of them were plagued by a broken heart. You would not really get so many words that is relatable to so many unless you too have been through the same circumstances as them. The only thing that differenciates you from the crowd is your edge over the language and the wounds that were not catered to in the right time.