this is a psa

at current i am at a complete loss of grip. the skin on my face has dried up due to over picking and scratching. and the texture of my hair and eyebrows and even eyelashes appears to have somewhat changed. i have absolutely no idea how the texture in my hair has become so impossible to pull out but i assume it is something to do with getting a haircut and the trying to ‘adapt’ in some ways, probably. as for my face it has been hurting an absurd amount just because i physically and mentally cannot stop the destruction that i crave so much. when i run my hands down my face it is extremely rough like what you would imagine the cracked dry desert floor to feel like in your hands. due to this dryness i have been forced to start using moisturiser no matter how much i despise it. it makes my skin feel horribly greasy and slimey and i seem to have developed a kind of fear of it so i completely avoid touching my face when i have it on. it does make me extremely anxious and aggravated knowing that i have this disgusting residue on my face stopping me from dismantling and mauling at my skin like some sort of animal, as i so much wish i could. in results to this i have been scratching my arms and creating pressure aches to the point where i think they are turning into permanent marks, which i am not all the fond of whatsoever, but at least it is not on my face. in aid of this i have been holding stress balls a lot but i often find myself gripping and scraping at them just to stop myself from targeting my body. it is so very horrible having the power that you know so well taken away from you just because of over addiction but i know and understand completely that it is for the good and better of my skin.

i recently made the big decision of getting a haircut. it was mostly because i did not feel as if my hair was reflecting me for who i am as a person and i needed a change, but also because having long hair has been insanely triggering for me and just an overall bother. a few weeks before this haircut i went on what i guess you would call a ‘pulling spree’ and teared out a lot of hair which resulted in a triangular bald patch at the very front of my head. this made the haircut seem even scarier for me because my hairdresser is not the smartest of people and probably would not understand. the night before said haircut i was very calm and at peace like i was finally going to feel like me. but the next morning i was extremely on edge, almost distraught you could say. as i was being driven there i remember being exceedingly anxious and loud to the point where i was saying and shouting things without thinking about it in advance, and i was scratching at my arms like crazy to try distracting myself, not to mention violently attacking the seats of the car. all this build up and anticipation i had generated in my mind through fear was proved to be pointless and an utter waste of time as the haircut went completely okay and the hairdresser did not say anything about anything excluding the strange look i got as they tried to comb hair that simply was not there. i did feel quite stupid for thinking as if this haircut would be some sort of horror story, because honestly it was nothing at all to be afraid of. many trichers i have known or heard of have struggled with haircuts because they see it as going backwards and eliminating the growth that they have tried so hard to make happen, but for real it makes you feel so much healthier and i can promise you that the fear and tension you have built up is going to be obliterated when you realise that you have no reason to be scared as long as you trust the person who is cutting your hair.

for as long as i can remember this has been a very prominent theme in my life. i have always been stressed or bothered by something which usually can be found pressuring me into thought patterns which i do not want to delve into ever because of the past experiences i am all too familiar with. these experiences have shown me frequently getting stuck in rotatable cycles or puzzles that cannot be cracked or unpuzzled as it were. this has caused me to try hiding from my problems and stresses, pushing them down to what seems to be a hell of a lot smaller than they are, to the point where i am almost able to stand on them. i have tried many relaxation techniques to distract and clear my mind of these worries, like meditation and breathing exercises but it has never been a good enough power to keep myself at ease. i sleep with several stress balls in my bed for reasons which i do not quite understand, probably because stress balls to me do not hold the grip and destruction that i require in order to break down the situation. but nevertheless they are there just incase. i regularly let all exasperating thoughts out of my head through shouting at ridiculous volumes, usually in a mirror or into a front facing camera just because it helps to feel like i am releasing all the bad things that have been storing up for such a long time. to do this i most definitely need to be alone which can be hard because i am rarely trusted alone due to my apparent instability. but when i am finallly alone it is surprisingly therapeutic being able to put all focus into attacking yourself with words, even if it is having a diverse effect. the point here is that stress is always going to be a bother and a struggle for most people but if you can find a way around it or a way to push it back for a while then do all you can to make that happen. or even better find a way to destruct it completely, that is something i and many others would love to be able to make happen.

a few weeks ago i lost all control and gave in completely to my disorder. i was ripping massive chunks of hair out of my head at a time and i did not fully realise. it was a subconscious act that was slowly possesing and overtaking me. it was almost like being in a hypnotic state or what i have started to call - a pulling trance. it was getting to the point where there were big piles and clumps of hair covering the hallway carpet all the while scaring me to death. my parents and sibling would come upstairs every now and then giving me strange looks after probably staring intently at the flooring. i remember one night i got off my chair to look in the mirror and i saw the huge triangular like bald patch at the very front of my hair which i had been creating all day. it was not nice to look at and it almost seemed as if my hairline was receding. despite my friends telling me it was unnoticeable and ‘nothing big’ it was tormenting me every waking hour of the day. my mom and sister would try to touch it as a ‘joke’ much like monkeys picking flees off of each other but a lot more discomforting and with less good intentions. this has so far been the worst of my experiences with trich meaning i cried and moped around a lot feeling wholly disheartened because it was and still is a big deal for me. since this event my hair has grown to the point of stubble and i find that sometimes it is calming to pat or stroke even if i do feel like a dog. i can sometimes see the funny side of it and laugh it off as being a beard on my head or something along those lines which i really think is a much less grim way of looking at the situation. put it this way, i may be losing more than i am gaining but at least it is something to look forward to.

they are terrifying things, mirrors. just the base idea that one will have to looks at oneself for whatever period of time can be utterly petrifying. for me it has become a growing struggle almost an irrational fear. leading up to using a mirror i usually panic frantically and avidly go rogue. it has become a tradition that i now cover my eyes with my hands in preperation to looking at myself to lesser the anguish even if it is creating an element of tension and suspense. i do not fully understand why mirrors have become a scare point for me. maybe it is because of anxiety or the bfrbs which i am forced to grapple with on a daily basis. however this dread has come about i can assure you that it can only grow stronger from here on.

on the surface starting a blog seems like a good idea considering the sheer level and amount of thought in which my brain consumes before digressing on to rapidly spit out. this is my blog for now. i think. read as you will.