Too radical to be sadical

Typically, medical trauma is associated with things such as accidents and serious complications that aren’t chronic. But I think being chronically ill traumatizes us so much more than we think it does. It doesn’t typically feel like trauma, as we most of us have forgotten what it’s like not to suffer. 

We often struggle with 

Invalidation from those around us, doctors, and over time ourselves. This makes us feel crazy and like we aren’t doing enough when we’re trying our best. 

Being denied medication, experiencing side effects from various medications, and severe withdrawals when needing to change medications.

Feeling pressured to overwork ourselves to survive in a society not made with us in mind.

Lack of accessibility.

Complications with insurance and constant phone calls, waiting anxiously for them to be returned. 

Judgement, even from strangers. They may think you don’t look sick enough, or you may get stares or see them trying not to look at you. Your self esteem may be affected if you can’t be looked at as just another person. 

Being let down. It is not uncommon to get your hopes up for treatment options or an appointment, only to be let down in some way or another.

The pain in itself, fatigue, and other symptoms. Being in a perpetual state of discomfort. Getting used to it doesn’t mean that it’s easy to cope with.

Acceptance that you may be, or will be like this forever as you watch others live normal lives and do normal things. 

Isolation and loneliness, and feeling incompatible with society. Humans aren’t solitary by nature, and it will always affect our mental states when alone for too long. Introverted or not, lack of interaction or relatability is damaging over time.

A much higher likelihood of abuse.

Learning details of your illness that are difficult to cope with. This can include mortality rates, low recovery rates, degeneration, lowered life expectancy, heightened risk for further complications, etcetera.

Mourning the life we could have had. It’s said that this is legitimate grief. Denial of your illness(es), anger towards the world, mistreatment from society, or the unfairness of your situation, bargaining and trying everything to cure yourself or try remedy after remedy, depression, and hopefully acceptance eventually. 

Additionally, having to give up any aspirations, goals, or plans you may have had before you were sick/disabled. If you aspired to do something you love like dancing and have to give that up and settle for something you may not genuinely enjoy or no career at all, that’s difficult. You feel like you’ll never amount to anything and are a burden.

Self blame and guilt. Shame that we may need to be dependent on others. Wanting to be our own people but not being able to because we can’t do everything alone.

Hospital visits.

Knowing that there are eugenicists that wholeheartedly believe that your life has no value (it does). 

The stress of awaiting test results. Negative ones making us anxious, and positive ones possibly being heartbreaking too. 

Testing in itself, often uncomfortable, scary, and nerve wracking. 

Being infantilized and treated like babies. Sometimes baby talked to, patronized, or clearly not seen with mutual respect as an adult (or teen).

Others feeling that they know your body or needs better than you do. 

Fearing the worst during flu season and of course, a serious pandemic. Namely if your immune system is compromised. 

That isn’t everything, and you are free to add to the list. 

easily one of the days i've had all week

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