I Can Make it Write

It didn't register in his brain at first - what he was seeing. He has trained his temperature and temperament over the years to not even react to the rebelliousness of their maknae that the twitch in his eye could not even be detected by the rest of the room.

But as he glances at him over his shoulder and and his lips curl into a self-satisfying smile, he knows that Jeongguk knows exactly what he's doing to him, that little brat.

He ignores the smirk that is currently sitting on his smarmy albeit cute face to slide down onto his tiny, tiny waist, and for a moment, he forgets to breathe. Right there, on the waist that he has not touched for more than 2 years now is adorned by a wildflower.

Namjoon's wildflower. The same purple wildflower that appeared in his music video. It's hard to tell from the angle where Jeongguk is at the moment, bent down into an almost ninety degree bow as he reaches for something within his bag in the floor - which, by the way, he's taking suspiciously long to find whatever it is he is looking for. But it looks as if the flower is almost the same exact size as Namjoon's palm.

The wildflower he is staring at suddenly flexes and stretches to stand up straight, and Namjoon suddenly realises that his face does not look as calm and collected as he thought it was when he finally looks Jeongguk in the eye, and his tongue is in his cheek, eyebrows lifted in silent question at Namjoon's bewildered expression. He allows himself to feel everything he's been keeping at bay as he stares at their youngest member in the eye, unflinching even when the memory of it is painful.

All he could hear was Jeongguk's loud breathing as he catches his breath from the exertion. He glances to his left to see him covered in sweat and a pretty blush that spreads from his face to his neck and his chest. His face that was previously wrecked with pleasure and lust just minutes ago is now twisted into a frown as he stares at the ceiling.

“What did you mean when you said ‘This will be the last time?’”

“Exactly what I meant. This casual affair of ours needs to stop. We are leaving for the military this weekend.”

“But we have days off. Why can't we see each other then?”

Namjoon knows him well enough by now to know that the wobble in his voice is a precursor to him crying.

“I'd probably prioritise seeing family. As should you. Plus, we said this would be just a casual thing. I'm sure you'd be moving on to someone else by then.” He swallows the lump in his throat as he says it, fully believing that it will happen. Because it will. Gorgeous, sexy Billboard number 1 solo singer Jeongguk would certainly move on to another fling by then.

And Namjoon? Namjoon will do what he does best - protect his heart and soul. He was determined to end this before it got too far, and he knew it became too much when he caught himself daydreaming of spending time with Jeongguk without sex involved. Suddenly he found himself fantasising going on long bicycle rides and visiting museums with the boy - no man next to him. He will nip this in the bud, and move on before this got serious.

Never mind that it got serious the moment he kissed the band's golden maknae that led him to this moment right here where he's mentally trying to extricate himself out of a relationship that he told himself has not been serious.

He chances another glance to his left, and sees that his frown has deepened. “I don't know what you've been thinking Namjoon hyung, but this, right here has never been just a fling to me. I don't know what gave you that impression, but this thing with you right now, is far, far away from being casual to me.”

“But we clearly said at the start of this -”

“I know what we said, but two things can be true. I can want this casually, while also not wanting it to end.”

Namjoon scoffs at that. “Jeongguk, I'm sorry, but since you've become an adult, you've had only casual flings, and moved on from them when youve gotten bored. I know you too well. You will get bored of this just like every other fling before. It's in your nature, I don't fault you for it.”

He almost flinches as Jeongguk suddenly sits up and stares at him. Tears fill his eyes but his face isn't sad. It's livid.

“Hyung, stop being an asshole, and listen to me for once. I've wanted you since I was 13. Before I even knew my own self, I knew that I liked you as more than just a friend or leader. One day you will look at me, and see me, and know that my feelings haven't changed. You have been and will be permanently etched in me.”

It’s been three years since you last saw Jungkook. The last time you did, you were part of Big Hit’s camera crew, and you left when things were getting too intense as your relationship with Jungkook blossomed. Now you are both reunited as In The Soop Season 1 is being filmed. What will the reunion be like?

Angst | Idol AU | ITS1 | Jungkook x Reader

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 |

You used to be made to feel guilty for loving the rain. When you were younger, it was your mom who was constantly reprimanding you about the perils of being out in the rain.

"You will catch a cold!"

"You are going to be sick!"

But there was a joy to hearing and being in the rain that you can never truly explain. The consistent sound of the rain somehow drowned out your worries in a way nothing else could. At least temporarily.

Your encounter with Jungkook earlier disturbed you more than you thought it would have. You're starting to think that it was a big mistake to take on this job, even though you desperately needed it at the time. Is it worth all the heartache you will go through just being here with him?

You close your eyes and attempt to drown out your worries by focusing on the sound of the rain hitting on your raincoat. The river is pitch black as you stare out towards it. The sun had set more than an hour ago, and you can hear in the distance as the night shift team is busy setting up equipment for the boys to cook under the tarpaulin.

"Yah, Yoongi-ah!" said a loud booming voice, when a sudden hand came crashing down on your right shoulder. You yelped in surprise and turned around to meet the eyes of a horrified-looking Seokjin wearing his raincoat. His face looked equal parts surprised and scared.

"Oh my God, it's you! Did I enter a time machine? I honestly thought you were Yoongi with your dark raincoat and height sitting out in the rain!"

You resist the urge to roll your eyes at him. Over the years when you used to spend hours with the boys, you have gotten used to Seokjin's dramatics. It always made good content when you were recording them though, so you've learned not only to be accustomed to it but to expect it too.

"Hello Seokjin oppa. How have you been? You seem to have gathered a few wrinkles I see." you grinned, unable to resist the jab.

"Yah! First time I see that face in three freaking years, and the first thing you do is make fun of this handsome face? How dare you! I have you know that this face is the main reason why we are even shooting this show right now!"

You can't help but grin back at him. You missed this. The natural camaraderie you used to have with the guys. "Of course it is. What else would the fans be laughing at if it wasn't for you?"

You both look at each other grinning. His eyes soften as his mouth begins to settle into his usual pout. "Wow, you're here. Part of the crew I assume? How are you?" He didn't say it, but you understood the subtext. Are you ok? Really ok? his eyes seem to say as they bore into you.

"I'm fine. Hyun PD-nim asked me to be on this project, and I was between jobs..." you trailed off, not wanting to get into the sordid details of how incredibly desperate you were when you agreed to take on this job.

"Ah...ok, ok." Seokjin looks out into the water as the drizzle continues. You were looking at him, convinced he has more that he wants to say, but isn't saying for whatever reason. You quietly observe him as he slips his hands into the pocket of his coat, and turns to you.

"I take it that you've seen him? I mean I'm sure you've seen him, but you've talked to him?"

You didn't need to clarify who he was referring to. All of the guys knew about both of you. "Yeah, just briefly." You didn't elaborate, and he didn't pursue it further. Both of you looking out into the water. The silence grows as the rain seems to falter.

"You know, he wasn't the same after you left." You exhale an exasperated sigh as you turn to look at him. His tongue pokes at the insides of his cheek as he gazes at you with soft eyes. "I know, I know, technically, it wasn't you leaving wasn't it?"

Your head tilts as you contemplate just how much Seokjin knew of what went down those years ago. "I did leave oppa," you said softly and sadly into the night air. "It just wasn't all up to me."

He nods in understanding. "Was it the company? Because it wouldn't make sense why you'd be here then," he says frowning, trying to make sense.

"No, it wasn't the company. It was Jungkook's decision. He..well, he prioritised himself first. And looking back now, I don't blame him for it,"

Seokjin nods again, as he looks over at you. "Like I said, he was never the same. Whatever happened, I think it altered part of his DNA or something. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or anything, but he became more...let's say reserved? Like he was protecting himself. I mean, with us, he was more or less still the same, but it was also different at the same time. I can't quite put my finger on it."

Your heart beats a little faster imagining Jungkook in the years after both you of you broke up. In the rare moments when you let your mind wander to think about him (although to be honest, it was rather often) you'd hope that he was happy with his decision. You avoided his videos or content whenever possible. Still, living in Seoul, it was impossible not to run into his face at the nearby convenience store, and he had always looked happy in his pictures, that you deluded yourself into thinking that he was doing fine.

Hearing the confirmation from Seokjin that he wasn't was disheartening, to say the least, as it shattered your fantasy of him being happy. Forcing these feelings aside, you gave him a wan smile.

It’s been three years since you last saw Jungkook. The last time you did, you were part of Big Hit’s camera crew, and you left when things were getting too intense as your relationship with Jungkook blossomed. Now you are both reunited as In The Soop Season 1 is being filmed. What will the reunion be like?

Angst | Idol AU | ITS1 | Jungkook x Reader

Continued from Chapter 1

*Flashback* 

January 2015 

It’s freezing cold as he traverses the corridors of their office building, looking for the water filter. He has been rehearsing their new choreography with the guys for the past 6 hours at least. His knees caps can’t even seem to be able to hold his body up. Dabbing his towel across his wet forehead and holding an icepack to his neck, he notices that the lights are still on where the editing department is. 

This isn’t unusual. In fact, close to half of the staff members is still somewhere in the building doing something or another. 2 am isn’t even too late for the passionate people here at Big Hit. Even so, as he fills in his bottle with cold water, his eyes wander towards the lit office area. Curious, he makes his way to the open cubicles, straining his neck to see who is around before deciding on switching off the lights altogether. He almost did so when a chuckle echoed from a corner of the office. 

Shifting his line of sight, he notices a female editor of slight build with her headphones on. You were wearing a thick hoodie, your thick hair in a bun at the top of your head, and bedroom slippers on bare feet. Your facial features are animated as you stare at the screen - its light illuminating your face as you release yet another giggle at the screen. 

Quietly without you noticing him, Jungkook observes from behind to see what you’re is watching. To his surprise, he sees himself twerking on camera to Song Ji Eun’s Pretty Age 25. He vaguely remembers dancing to this before a broadcast a few weeks ago but didn’t realise he was being filmed. His jaw drops as he sees himself slapping his own butt while dancing to the song. You erupt into yet another giggle as you replay the clip. He finally snaps him out of it. 

“You can’t post that!!” he shouts. 

“Argghhhh!” you do a double take, jumping out of your chair, and knocking your cup of coffee all over the keyboard. 

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!” Jungkook apologises as he tries to placate with outstretched hands. 

“Jeez, you gave me such a scare!” You begin to notice the aftermath of your coffee all over your desktop. “Shit, this is going to be so hard to clean!” You immediately stand up to grab tissues in the cubicle next to yours to mop up most of the mess. 

“Here, you can use this,” he says, offering his towel. You grab it gratefully and start to earnestly soak up the coffee that sticks to your keyboard. 

“I’m not sure this will work now. Did you have to sneak up on me like that??” 

Jungkook looks at her sheepishly, a hand at the back of his neck as he regrets his outburst. “I’m so sorry, I just got so worried that there will be a clip of my doing that floating on the internet. I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

Glaring at him, you start to notice that the coffee has also absolutely drenched the hoodie you are wearing. Groaning inwardly, you bend down to start to mop up the liquid, even though you know it’s going to be futile. He seems to have noticed it at the same time, and bends toward you at the same time as well - and timing and circumstance somehow brought both of your skulls together, and before you know it, both of you are clutching your heads and moaning from the pain. 

“I think you are bad for my health,” you chuckle as he bursts into laughter. 

“Shit, I am so sorry. I don’t know why. I am not usually this clumsy. I swear.” Collecting his thoughts, he unzips his hoodie and hands it over to you. 

You stare at it for a moment, and then shift your attention to his face. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

“Er...for you to wear? Since yours is now covered in coffee? It’s the least I could do.” 

“No, no, the least you could do is to replace my now useless keyboard. I am not wearing your sweat-soaked hoodie.” you say while grimacing at the piece of clothing he is offering. 

Jungkook tsks under his breath. This was not how he would imagine anyone would react to him offering his outerwear. Even if it is a member of staff at his company. 

“Are you new here? I haven’t noticed you around.”

“It’s my first week here actually. They just handed me a bunch of clips to be edited for Bangtan Bombs. They didn’t tell me much except to edit them into 2 minute or less clips of all of the funny moments I could find - within some stipulated boundaries. The subject of butt slapping and twerking was mentioned - and I was planning to cut that part out by the way,” you finished while attempting to mop the rest of the liquid around your desktop. 

“Yeah...for some reason there seems to be a lot of butt-slapping when we are together,” he says while sheepishly scratching the back of his neck. 

“No shit, I just edited out a bunch of them with that impish-looking blonde with the guy who has abs.”

It was then that Jungkook realise that you were a total non-fan that the company just picked up. You don’t even seem to know the members’ names. Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing he realises as he stares down at his hoodie. He’s got enough fawning fans, and he didn’t need them at the workplace too. It helps sometimes when the staff can remain objective and clinical. 

“Jimin and Tae can be a little bit too much sometimes. But that was a momentary lapse in judgement on my part, I swear. I didn’t realise that the camera was on me.” 

You smirked at him as you start to unzip your coffee-soaked hoodie. “Yeah, ok, you tell yourself that. There’s plenty of other questionable footage that I’ve seen in the short week I’ve been here. You guys are just plain nuts when you are running on adrenaline and endorphins.” 

“Well, I - “ Jungkook forgets what he was about to say as he watches you taking off your jacket and revealing a black skimpy tank top. Parts of which clung to your skin as the coffee seeps through to leave almost nothing to the imagination. In fact, even the tops of your bra peek through - red lace with red straps. 

You look up at him as he stares at you. Your cheeks start to tinge with dusty pink blush as you realise the state you are in. 

“Erm, I know I am all sweaty, but the hoodie isn’t. I only just put it on before coming up here. I wasn’t like wearing it during practice. Y-you can still have it if you want to.” he says while trying to look elsewhere. 

You give a sigh as you realise there isn’t another way out now. “Ok, give it here.”

Jungkook attempts to mop up more of the coffee on your desk as you attempt to discreetly put on his hoodie. The desk is still really sticky with the liquid, but most of it was gone now. Except for your keyboard. There’s no saving it now. He makes a mental note to replace it tomorrow. 

“Thanks for the jacket. Although in hindsight, I wouldn’t have needed it if it wasn’t for you scaring me half to death,” you said as you click away at your PC to save what you still can. There’s no point in continuing now that your keyboard isn’t working, and truth be told, the day’s fatigue is starting to sink in. You look at your watch and notice the time. 

“Jeez, it’s past two in the morning. I planned on leaving an hour ago.”

“Wow, my butt must have been really distracting,” Jungkook says with a cheeky smirk. He doesn’t quite understand where the confidence is coming from. He’s usually so much more reserved around girls. Something about your aura puts him at ease. 

He chuckles as you roll your eyes. “I just didn’t realise that idols were into slapstick humour is all. For what it’s worth, you guys have great comedic timing. It’s no wonder these videos do such high numbers online.” you say this as you shut your PC down, grab your coffee-stained hoodie, and stuff it into your backpack. 

You start to make your way out of the office, and without much thought, he follows you as you shut down the lights and make your way towards the lift. 

“Do you need a ride home? It’s late now,” he says as you slump in the corner of the lift. He tries to ignore the fact that he feels pleasantly comforted to see you wearing his hoodie - even though it does seem to swallow you whole. His sleeves enveloped your hands, and the bottom of the outerwear was almost at the tops of your thighs. 

“Nah, it’s ok, I have a motorcycle that I came to work in. It’s a necessity when I’m always a night owl. I don’t care much for public transport so late into the night, and a taxi is just too much money.” 

It was then belatedly that Jungkook notices that you were carrying your motorcycle helmet under your arm. He is hit with a sudden pang of jealousy. You sounded so independent and carefree. 

He observes your casual stance as you lean on the elevator wall. His large jacket slid off part of your shoulder, allowing for your bra and tank top strap to peek through. Strands of your hair escape the bun from the top of your head to now rest around your face. You remained uncaring of how you looked despite being in the same space with him. He finds this both foreign and endearing. It’s been a long time since he has met a girl who seems as carefree as you are. 

The elevator dinged to signal that you are both on the ground floor. The practice studio where he was heading back to was in the basement of the building next door. Both of you step out into the cold night and instinctively looked up at the night sky. 

“Well, self-butt slapper, I am off. Just try not to sneak up on anyone ya? I’ll return your jacket tomorrow. Probably need to be in early to complete those videos I’ve yet to edit.” 

Jungkook stifles a smile as you walked away towards the parking lot. He’s still at the pavement stile observing you getting onto a humble looking 110 cc electric blue motorbike when someone claps him sharply on his back. 

“Jungkook-ah, what took you so long! We are wrapping up the last verse’s choreo before heading back. Tae was beside himself with hunger, and I couldn’t stand the whining, so I came here to look for you,” Hoseok-hyung exclaims while he squeezes the back of his neck. 

“I’m coming now. Nothing happened.”

But everything was just beginning. 

It's been three years since you last saw Jungkook. The last time you did, you were part of Big Hit's camera crew, and you left when things were getting too intense as your relationship with Jungkook blossomed. Now you are both reunited as In The Soop Season 1 is being filmed. What will the reunion be like?

Angst | Idol AU | ITS1 | Jungkook x Reader

Chapter 2 

You breathe a sigh of relief as your producer signals you that the recording session is over. You pull down your headphones, and just for a moment, the face mask that covers the lower half of your face. The sun is setting, and you've been shooting since 10 in the morning since the boys arrived. Sweat covers not only your forehead, but it continues down your back and under your armpits. Despite the utter exhaustion, you're satisfied with the content the team gathered today.

You spot the producer walking towards you from across the green fields as you silently pack your gear.

"It's a short break for dinner and to freshen up before the night shift comes in. The night team is setting up now to take over, but the other stationary cameras will capture the rest of the footage. The guys are all gathered at the main house anyway to cook. So it's less running around for us."

" OK PD-nim. I'll gather the gear to copy out the footage and charge our gear in the mean time."

Your producer, Mr. Hyun side-eyes you as you continue to pack your gear. He nods quietly and agrees. "You're OK?"

You still at his seemingly innocuous query. You know the subtext to his question. "How are you holding up? Has he seen you yet?"

You're determined to avoid the obvious. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just bring this over to the staff quarters and organise them while I freshen up."

He squints at you, as if unsatisfied. He sighs and nods, seemingly moving on from this line of questioning. "Fine then. Let's meet up at 9pm to go over tomorrow's plans." You agree and start to hoist your camera gear and head towards the staff quarters which is situated about 200 meters above the main house.

It's easier to walk to the staff quarters now that the sun isn't as hot. Your earlier perspiration seem to evaporate as the cool breeze from the river blows in towards you, making it seem easier even though its quite the trek with your heavy camera gear. You enter the staff quarters, and is surprised to see it empty. The rest must still be hanging around near the river during the shift change. You can't say that you're not glad to have the place to yourself for now.

Dropping your camera gear on the main table littered with wires, extension cords, chargers and snacks that the video team have been having on the go since arriving yesterday to setup. It wasn't until you started to remove your bucket hat, camera vest and your socks did you realise you were not alone, as a throat clears somewhere behind you.

Turning around, you finally see him. Still in his black Fila sweatshirt and knee length shorts. His glossy hair is swept to the left side of his face, and his earrings glint in the late evening sun as you avoid his hard gaze. You settle for staring at his black slides which you missed at the entrance right next to the brown two-seater that he is currently sitting on.

"So it is you. I wondered if I was seeing things." You try to feign disinterest by turning your back to him, and continue to unpack your gear to sort out the footages and to charge up all the batteries.

"Hyun-nim asked for extra hands for this project, and I needed the job. I was retrenched when the lockdown started, and his call was timely." You stated it factually and without emotion. Yet all you could feel was panic and uncertainty bubbling under the surface of your skin to suddenly be near him after so long.

" Are you on the editing team too?" He maintains a nonchalant tone. You're not looking at him, but you can imagine him nervously picking at the skin near his lips.

"No, I'm done after this week's shoot. My contract is only to be the assistant producer for the shoot. I'll be out of your hair once the week is over."

Mustering bravery that you do not feel, you turn towards him, and finally meet his gaze. He stares at you, and the both of you say nothing in a while. It's been too long since you've seen him in person. He still looks the same. Except for the tattoos adorning his knuckles. Those were new. As well as the hard cold gaze he maintains on his face now. You're not used to this side of him. Although you are well aware that he is capable of it.

He turns away before you do. His nails picking at a non-existent scab on his calf, as his throat bobs up and down in apparent anxiousness.

"H-how have you been?" he says quietly. His eyes are everywhere but on you. You're glad you're not the only one who feels this awkward tension between the both of you. You resist telling him to stop picking on his skin. It's a nervous tick of his that he hasn't quite overcome.

"I've been ok." You don't offer anymore than that. Because to do so would reveal too much. It all flashes in your mind's eye. The weeks after when all you could do was cry to sleep, the months of absolute hell when you second-guessed every decision you've made. The times when you had to physically stop yourself from dialing his number, and then eventually deleting it from your phone to overcome the issue altogether.

You take a huge breath of air to stop the memories from coming in. It's been almost 3 years. Coming back here was a mistake, no matter how much you needed the job. But it's too late to back out now that they can't replace you in the production team.

"You should go. They will be looking for you soon." You bite your lip to stop yourself from blurting out more than that. The less you say, the better. It'll make surviving the week a lot easier.

You hear him softly saying your name, and the sound of it makes your heart triple in its speed. How is it that something as simple as your name from his lips is enough to send you down a spiral? You look up at him, resisting the urge to run towards his being. "Jungkook... You really should go. I-I can't do this."

He nods in understanding, and starts to get up. You brave yourself as he steps closer towards you. Suddenly he's only two feet away, literally an arm's length away. Your fists tighten as you hold yourself, resisting the urge to hold on to him instead. You hear your name once again and you look up at his glassy eyes.

"I've missed you."

Your eyes closes shut at his confession. It's all that you've dreamt to hear over the past 3 years apart. By the time you open your eyes again, he was gone.

Chapter 2

A story and a song: Inspired by 3am (Finding Hope) playlisted on Jimin's Fav Tracks on Spotify (July, 2022)

The silence in the room was defeaning after the roar of the crowd from the concert that he just left behind. He thinks of it in his head as if it's some random concert he just happened to drop by in, and not the concert that he was actually just performing at. Where he left his soul at. The one where he thrusted his hips to thousands of fans, and screamed at the crowd to scream even louder than they already were.

Now in this desolate hotel room, all alone, he wonders if its all a dream, and that he just woke up to a reality that just left him...detached and unfeeling. Pushing the drab tan curtains aside, he stares out at the night sky, and at the twinkling city lights. The stadium where he was just at 30 minutes still lit with thousands of fans still making their way out of the parking lot.

The concert went well. For once he didn't crack his voice. Jungkook wasn't injured, Tae just recovered from his sore throat and sang his best, everything went exceptionally well for once.

And yet, staring into the skyline, with the sweat from the back of his shirt still wet and present, he's never felt more disgusted with himself. Alone like this, he allows himself to sink into the abyss and soak himself in despair at the thought of you.

The hot skin on his forehead cools agaisnt the frigid glass window. Thoughts of you dance at the back of his eyelids as he recollect the last moments you were together. Tangled underneath the blankets in your room, he whispered that he had to leave next week for their world tour. He never expected you to be happy, since he'd be away for 4 months this time. But the cold stare his eyes are met with tells that you were beyond simply being unhappy.

"I think we need a break from each other."

You said it calmly as if the words uttered didn't gut his heart and shatter them into pieces. He didn't say anything. He couldn't. Because deep down he knew this was going to happen sooner or later. Buried not too deep within his psyche, he knew it was all too good to be true somehow.

With your naked back turned towards him, you sat up from the bed and explained in a detached clinical manner why being together was taking a toll on you. "You'll never really belong to me. This is all that I can ever have. Late night trysts which involve you wearing a disguise, and accompanied by a bodyguard just to be able to see me for a few hours. And then you leave, and I wait. How I wait until the next time you can somehow fit me into your schedule. It's all too much, and yet, it's never going to be enough. Because you'll never belong to me. You are beholden by too many factors to even be here."

His vision tunnels, and his tongue becomes thick with all the words he has in his head on why you are wrong. That you are everything to him. That he belongs to you, and you alone. Of how some days, the only reason he wakes up to get through his day was the mere thought of you. Of being able to see you, and touch you, and hold you. He swallows a painful lump in his throat as he prepares in his mind's eye this long complicated speech to convince you to stay.

His hand reaches out to you, and almost touches the smooth expanse of your skin when he stops himself. Who is he kidding? You deserve so much more than this half-life he is offering. This painful existence the both of you have somehow carved out together. Meeting at odd times of the day, and always being indoors, because it was too risky for his public image to be seen outside with you. You deserve to be taken out to sunny picnics by the Han River, to be held and kissed under the cherry blossoms in spring, to be able to publicly declare your relationship when you wanted to.

So instead if reaching out to you, he stops himself.

Now in this hotel room, loneliness creeps up his spine, settles onto the back of his neck, wells up behind his eyelids, and crawls down his face.

"Baby, it's 3am."

It's been a month since he last saw you, and already he is barely keeping himself together. He promised himself to leave you alone, so that you can find the peace you needed to move on. And yet it's him who has had trouble moving on. Weak with the desire to just hear your voice, he calls you.

"Had you on my mind. I can't help but think of what we could be. How can we make this work? Just tell me how we can make this work?" He breathes out the words before he heaves a breath through his crying.

You picked up at the fourth ring.

Your term of endearment slashes through the ice around his heart, and he finds himself breathing again, not realising that he was holding his breath.

"Jimin, baby. I missed you too. So much. We'll get through this somehow"