Once you touch the darkness, it never goes away

I dont know if anyone has heard, BUT the first ever picture of a black hole is going to be released to the public on Wednesday April 10th which is in like 2 days and why is NO ONE FREAKING OUT?!?!?!?

Flipping your dog’s ear back down is the equivalent of tucking your friends tag back in their shirt.

The problem with the work holiday party is that drunk you is talkative so now sober you has to say hi to people you used to be able to walk past

Marvel could continue Stan Lee cameos by inserting photos of him at random places and scenes in every future Marvel film and create a “Finding Stan” cameo that will continue his tradition.

If you and a same sex friend are eating out and request just one check and the waitress sets it down in front of you, she decided you’re the top.

If Pokémon existed in real life, we probably would have eaten them

Being asked “Why are you depressed? Life is beautiful!” is like saying “Why do you have asthma? There is so much air

Life is technically a sexually transmitted disease.

Both adults and kids swear, yet they both refrain from cursing around each other as they believe that the opposite group is offended by it

People with anxiety don’t have a train of thought. We have seven trains on 4 tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors are screaming.

Teachers get paid surprisingly little considering the future of the country relies on how seriously they take their jobs.