I Hate You Osomatsu

Wtf?? Was looking through my shit today and saw your request. I didn't get a notification or anything for it. What a surprise you are. I thought this was for my other blog for a second.

Yeah im fine w/ requests! I don't advertise them but I don't mind them! I usually don't write mushy stuff, I usually shit post or dive into the horrors lol

First kiss w/ the boys

Osomatsu

Its bad, listen, all of them are virgins so they're all bad but hes especially bad. Like, he has had zero practice and does that weird thing where he tries to kiss you w/ a semi open mouth.

Expects tongue on the first kiss, no lie. He leans over tongue flopping out like gtfo my face your breath sticks

He probably expects it on your second date, maybe first if hes feeling especially frisky. You two were probably talking about something semi romantic and you look away and look back to that face.

You don't kiss him (obvi) so you just shove some fruit into his mouth and continue talking. You have to tell him youre not ready for that type of thing. He groans and whines about it but hes willing to wait. You're the most special person hes met so hes willing to wait for you.

That's when he gets strategical. He's making charts n shit, seeing how he can optimize his time with you to make you fall for him faster. He's getting those lips sooner than later. But eventually once the time is right you two do kiss.

And its horrible, he brushed his teeth at least(unlike some of the others) so at least he has that going for him. After the date he jumps up and down and fist pumps going "YesYesYesYes!!!!"

Karamatsu

Ohhh dear, he wants to he so smooth, he wants to be so suave, he thinks hes so romantic when he puts on that stupid bathrobe and petals leading to his uhh, couch?? Or maybe your bed??

Honestly it took a while for him to work up the courage to ask for a first kiss, like, a ridiculous amount of time. Then after that he decides he HAS to make it special!! You're his prized rose!! His darling gem!! His everything!!

He set up this whole thing, to ask you to kiss him. Complete with a serenade and wine. You have to sit through the whole song or he'll cry.

Once he actually gets around to asking you though, its soo awkward. He's just staring at your lips, looking away, blushing, looking back and repeating over and over. Eventually you get sick of it so as he stutters out his question you just kiss him.

His bones freeze in place, his heart stops, his mind goes pop! Oh dear what have you done you've fucking killed him!! Then he just stands up, bows, gets three steps before passing out

When he actually does kiss you, hes shaking the entire time. Like a god damn leaf, its do genuinely bad that he keeps passing out. Eventually he does get better but it takes a long while.

Choromatsu

God if you thought karamatsu was ridiculous you're gonna gasp when I tell you choromatsu wouldnt kiss you for a year. Like, he was petrified. Youd think since hes such a huge pervert he'd be chomping at the bits for a kiss but nope!

He honestly just has no idea whats normal in relationships. He understands that it takes people a while so he just assumes you also want to take it slow, right?

You have to make the first move or else you'll wait another year. It's also bad, hes very stiff and he has no idea what hes doing it. He melts into you and wraps his arms around you the moment he feels you though.

His mind explodes with fuckin fireworks and symphonies. He sits there wide eyed for a moment, wondering if this is real and if this is actually happening before just giving in.

He came instantly umm, he may have gotten a lil too excited. Choromatsu has to excuse himself for a moment to 'calm down. Cannot look you in the eyes when he comes back but he stutters out a small 'c-can we k-k-kiss again'

Ichimatsu

Ooo- another one that takes a long ass time. It honestly would never happen if he had a say in it. He finds those kind of things stressful and really unpleasant. At least that's what he tells himself to hide the fact hes scared to disappoint you

Hes the most aware of his virgin status, especially if this isn't your first kiss ever. Just feels so inadequate and unable to love you in the way you need. He wants you so badly but feels selfish for taking away opportunities from other more qualified people

Oo, your gonna jump his ass with love and kindness you stg.

You two have a very long talk about when, how, where you want your first kiss to be. Honestly your first kiss might be a forehead or cheek kiss. It takes him a while to work up to lips.

When you do though, its so worth it and so so horrible. You probably did it as a surprise and immediately regret it. Ichimatsu strikes me as a person who regularly forgets to brush his teeth so his breath kinda reeks. Then his lips are also so chapped and dry it takes you by surprise.

He barely processed what happened and looks for any signs of discomfort. You manage to not gag from his breath and gave him a sweet smile, asking if he'd like another one. He says yes! He loves the feeling of your lips on his.

Thinks about it for the next week, like literally staying up just to think about that kiss. You completely shook his world, now hes not a kissing virgin.

Jyushimatsu

Also bad, and probably an accident! He probably got really excited about something and ran up to give you a big ol smooch on the lips! Which was horrible cause his breath also stinks.

It was very sudden and very quick, he probably didn't even register it. Once you mention it to him he's like :00!! I kissed you?? When??

He brags about it to everyone, describing it in wayyy more detail than needed. Like hes talking about how your lips taste like, your breath, your wetness(ew). It gets uncomfortable really quickly

Eventually he kisses you again for real. Honestly, hes not that bad of a kisser. He's rough and will grab the back of your head to pull you in but his lips are soft and if he brushes his teeth its actually pleasant!

Todomatsu

He actually manages to make it really romantic, he takes you somewhere on a date after two to three months of dating and manages to make the kiss feel really organic and not forced AND really special.

That's in a perfect world at least. It's sad to say but his brothers immediately knew what he was planning and do their damn hardest to stop him. If they can't get kisses NO ONE can 😛😛

He spends 90% of the night fighting his brothers away w/ out you noticing and freaking out cause where tf do they keep coming from. His fancy dinner? Osomatsu and karamatsu dressing up as the waiter and try to spill food on him. Romantic walk? Ichimatsu tells jyushimatsu(who's in a dog costume for some reason??) To go chase him away.

Then, once he thinks hes gotten all the brothers away. He's sitting at a beautiful water fountain secluded and hidden from the world and his idiot brothers. He's telling you how special you are to him, you look up, heart full of love and hope as you see the man you want to spend your future with and see a ding a ling flying through the air.

Kinda a mood killer ngl as you and your boyfriend get chased out of the park by a naked pack of men(his brothers). Then once you've made it to your house, he apologizes til hes blue in the face and you just shush him. Before giving him the a sweet peck on the lips and fairing him a goodnight. Before pushing him out the door

Also I've forced all of my friends to watch at least ONE episode of osomatsu san

I even forced my brother to watch it.

I just love spreading the joy of osomatsu san.

Its not my fault im in love

I'm just a little guy w/ his six unemployed douche bags

Song:

You know what episode where they suddenly ALL got SEVERAL jobs jusy to rent out iyami and chibita(disguised as beautiful women). I feel like it would take one queen/king to make them completely fold.

Then one day one of them(probably osomatsu or jyushi) literally crash into you and then they're like, infatuated with you cause, who tf are you we've never seen you before. So now let's say jyushi goes out of his way every day to learn your schedule so he can bother you to and from work.

Then that snowballs and spirals to all of the brothers knowing you as Jyushi's friend, so they also want to meet you. Then they realize youre just some normie. So then they also start hanging out w/ you cause what the actual fuck is wrong w/ you why are you so normal?

Osomatsu tries to convince you to go daydrinking with him before your job, karamatsu will ask you to help him find some 'hot babes' as he puts it when you come home

Choromatsu will try and ask you for help on his resume and maybe watch some anime together before work, ichimatsu will ask you to drive him to the animal shelter to look at cats after work

Jyushi will beg you to play baseball with him before your shift starts and ask you all you know about American baseball, then todomatsu will invite you to go to a group mixer with him(not as a date or anything!)

They all begin to make you apart of their routine, something to look forward to, something to harass when they get bored with other things. Part of their day is dedicated to just walking and chatting with you like they've known you all their lives. You really do feel like apart of their lives now, even their dad knows who you are.

Then one day you don't show up, you don't go to work, and its just an empty street. Jyushimatsu waits for you at the corner of your route but you never come. He waits for thirty minutes, then an hour, then two hours and nothing. He begins to panic, he begins to flip his shit.

You always come to work, even when youre sick, did something happen? Did you get kidnapped on your way home? Did someone break into your house and are now holding you hostage? What if youre hurt, what could he possibly do! He doesn't know the way to your house beyond this corner!

For a while each matsuno takes shifts just standing the corner like hookers, someone even tried to pick karamatsu up. They sit their waiting, hoping, praying you show up. It goes on for one day, then two days, then a week nothing. You quickly entered their lives and then vanished the next day. Like a dandelion one day you were bright and yellow and the next you were a simple ghost of the past. They have no idea what to do. Sometimes jyushi will stand at the corner, waiting for someone who's not coming back, waiting for someone who managed to disappear like a ghost.

Until one day you show up and explain you took a vacation back home to visit family. Jyushi, jyushi flips his shit. WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDNT TELL HIM??? YOU DIDNT THINK YOU WERE IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO LET HIM KNOW YOU WERE GONNA BE LEAVING, HE THOUGHT YOU DIED.

Yeah no the brothers were pissed, they started crying actually they honestly thought something terrible happened. So now they lowkey stalk you in a consenual way, ichimatsu will show up unannounced and interrogate you for any future plans on ghosting. Then leave like nothing happened.

Honestly choromatsu thought about just putting a tracker on you, but figured you'd definitely disappear if you found out about that. So he settles for todomatsu consensually having your location on life360 or similar apps

I mean, I fucking guess.

My friends next to me and she's so sick of my shit. She literally slapped my phone out of my hands when I showed her.

Guess im buying karamatsu feet pics.

Osomatsu san x slime rancher

Osomatsu

Okay so, like everyone on the list there's an obvious slime and an actual slime that represents them. Ik the obvious slime would be a pink slime, since they're both the default. But, hear me out, I feel like he'd be lucky slime

I feel like they're both kinda aloof and both are kinda plain. Plus the lucky cat is perfect since its like a gamble if you can give it a hen hen in time. So I think osomatsu would be a lucky slime. Plus the fact that osomatsu made it to 24 w/ out dying or getting thrown onto the streets is pretty lucky.

I think he could cultivate a lot of pink largos mixed with whatever other slime he can find that isn't hard to take care of. He's too lazy to find all their food and jusybfeeds them whatever food he finds.

Karamatsu

Okay, again, easy answer is a rock or even crystal slime but the mosaic slime is more him. He'd probably be super into the dangerous yet alluring nature of the slime, plus they're literally shimmering.

Karamatsu would want to look dazzling and alluring even if it can be painful for others. He just cannot let go of his sparkle, and he'd probably be so poetic about the random bursts of flames.

Hed cultivate all the pretty but deadly slimes, like rock, crystal, rad, mosiac, boom, and fire. Hes constantly getting beat up but he thinks its so worth it.

Choromatsu

Of course the obvious answer is rad or tangle, or even the phosphor slime, but i think he'd be a saber slime, idk, i think its the mouth.

There's no other reason tbh, maybe if it wasnt that then id say a boom slime?? They both have dumb faces and sometimes get so pent up they explode(not sexually) but I still say saber slime

I think choro would mainly have easy going slimes, like the yolk slime or the water slime. Something practical but valuable.

Ichimatsu

Easy answer is tabby, saber, or hunter. I think though, and hear me out, he'd be a puddle slime. Shy and cannot be around other slimes least he gets constipation. Well, ig its kinda the opposite for him.

Idk, I just think the idea is cute. Hes a gloomy little puddle slime who floats around all day and gets blushy and shy when you come near him.

He does have like literally every cat like slime on his island, and only cat like slimes.

Jyushimatsu

Ooo, this one's fun. I feel like hes either a quantum slime or a quicksilver. Both make sense but I feel like quantum slimes because they both have that same happy face.

I could see jyushi being a quicksilver too, feeding off of electricity, zipping around literally none stop. He'd either be one or have them, plus i feel like he could bat the energy bolts.

Othwr then that i feel like he doesn't rlly ranch, he hunts for the slimes he needs then releases them. So he doesn't have one particular slime.

Todomatsu

Ik he should be a mosaic since they're so sparkly and pretty, but i feel like he could be the ring tail slime. They're both so cute and mischievous it jusy makes sense!

I could totally see him eating one of your other slimes food then using his cute face to get away with it. He probably sticks his tongue out and uses his puppy dog eyes.

He feels like he both pushed everyone away and everyone abandoned him cause just broken. It gives him whiplash sometimes and he has no idea how to cope. Sometimes he ghosts his current friends and even his siblings cause he cannot imagine anyone being so nice to him. Like they must be playing a cruel joke on him. Ichimatsu just knows theres something rotten within him and can never be forgiven.

In a perfect world I'd like to say he eventually learned how to deal with it, but idk if he can. Id like to think he does, at least I like to think he learns to cope with his issues. Jyushimatsu actually helps a lot, ichimatsu will sit and just kinda curl up with jyushimatsu when hes feeling anxious, its the only way he knows how go calm himself down if not for violent outbursts.

Road trip w/ the matsunos

None of them have a license. Honestly in Japan they never had a real reason to get one. None of them have jobs, everything is is walking distance, the closest anyone's gotten to a vehicle is karamatsu so you drive!

You, choromatsu, and todomatsu plan the trip for the most part. Todomatsu looks into cool places to stop and choromatsu and you budget and schedule stuff. It's surprisingly efficient but you guys will have the rest of them nagging you about random shit.

Like osomatsu wants to go to a place that's like the opposite way of where you are going. Karamatsu keeps asking you dumb questions about what he should pack, ichimatsus trying to sneak cats into the luggage, and jyushi's literally just trying to lick you.

Other then that its great!

The seating arrangement gets very dicey. Everyone wants to sit shotgun, everyone wants to be your passenger princess. They literally duke it out til you remind them that it kinda has to be todomatsu since hes the navigator.

Other then that its probably osomatsu and choromatsu in the front two seats, then ichimatsu, karamatsu, and jyushimatsu in the back with jyushi in the middle. You better pray choromatsu sits behind you cause osomatsu likes to kick the seats for fun. Plus choro has the snacks.

Once you finally leave its kinda hyper at first, everyone's super excited and it gets loud very quickly. A fight may break out in the back and you have to stop the car 6 times for random shit before you actually get out of town.

Osomatsu asks for McDonald's and you have to remind him you brought snacks, had breakfast, and the closest town is an hour and a half away. Then jyushimatsu will ask you if you can drive faster cause he also wants mcdonalds

Todomatsu is also in changed of music since hes literally the only one besides you that has a phone. He does not take any but requests unless its you and he likes the song.

Someone forgot their something. It was probably choromatsu, he probably forgot a really important bag an hour into the trip so now he has to thug is out w/ no toiletries and daily routine stuff.

Car games are fun with them! It's a lot of fun cause you don't even have to participate, theres so many you get to focus on the road and listen to them fight and argue. Usually its osomatsu trying to cheat, claiming to see a state plate he didn't actually see.

You pull over like twenty times so the boys can go pee, usually its on the side of the road since they do not stop complaining once they realize they need to go.

Taking the boys to the mall

Osomatsu

Has no fuckin idea how to act inside the mall, hes such a fuckin hooligan sometimes. He talks way too loud, he never watches where hes going so hes bumping into ppl, and hes like standing in the middle of the walk way to check something. It stressed you tf out.

He will literally want something from every store you go to, usually its small like cool socks or a snack but hes constantly asking you for shit. It's like a little toddler who doesn't understand you aren't made of infinite money. If you tell him no he pouts for a little bit then goes back to being happy.

Loves going to spencers, that's always the first place he wants to go to. Literally begs you to go every time and just giggles at all the dicks and tits. You two were probably kicked out at some point cause he was playing with the dick stuff

Also loves the food court, this fat ass just wants to eat. Like, literally everything, he loves whatever you two get and will try yours, but he makes you try his.

I think the sweetest thing he'll do is carry your bags and find stuff that remind him of you. It's usually pretty jewelery that's gold and has a lot of gems cause he'll tell you remind him of a prince(ess).

Karamatsu

Lowkey wants to be one of those cool mall kids when he was younger. I always feel like karamatsu has an appreciation for different cultures more than ichimatsu. Ik ichi is suppose to be the Gothic one but I feel like kara would have an easier time actually getting into it.

Honestly I think he would be a little scared of Spencer's and hottopic at first. It's not something hes use to. He thought it was gonna be rlly hard-core and like almost demonic. When he went in there though it was just, chill.

Holds your hand the entire time, like the entire time. It's like you two are in a storm and holding onto each other for dear life. Hes scared that if he looks away you'll disappear.

Loves dressing you up. I'm a bigger person(im fat as fuck ngl) so I just like the idea of karamatsu dressing you up and treating you like a doll. It's just nice to feel beautiful and loved. Especially for your body.

Loves getting a cinnamon roll to share. You two will sit and feed each other while giggling, also get into some rlly deep conversations.

Choromatsu

He has a whole list you two need to follow. He wants to check out every store then sit down for food. It's very neatly organized and very neetly done! He even has a map of the mall already down.

Wants to check every anime related store and every store that had some kind of anime asthetic even shit like miniso for their one piece stuff. It's amazing how hes able to track down every single store that has some kind of interest he has.

Also holds your hand to keep you from wandering off. That man is on a mission a mission he will complete.

He also loves the random shit they have in between. If theres paintings on the walls he wants to get your photo with it. I feel like hes the type that takes a lot of good photos of other people

Also keeps you on a budget. You two are only there for essentials. Maybe a few nice things but refuses to let you overspend your hard earned money.

Ichimatsu

The only reason he agreed to go was because you didn't wanna go alone and offered to buy him a pretzel and take him to petco. He hates the mall and hates everything surrounding it.

He mainly just stands right behind you and guards you. You notice quickly just how less crowded it feels around you and that's because ichi's aura is so haunting that it makes people naturally avoid your guys' shared bubble.

He likes grabbing cat related items and if you have an animal you identify with he'll put them together and show you. Like a cat and another animal. Looks so proud while doing it.

Loves hot topic and spencers. If you're not already, he wishes to dress you more emo or goth. He thinks it would be fun to see you all gloomy and sad like him, especially since he knows just how joyful you really are.

Needs to take frequent breaks. He hates crowds and hates all the noise. Plus if anyone tries to talk to you guys he kinda just stands behind you and shoves his entire face into your head. Sniffing your scalp.

Jyushimatsu

Another fucking man who cannot act right. This time even worse cause now this one will run away to go into kids play area. It's like dealing with a toddler on coke.

Literally carries all your shit with a happy smile. He'll carry anything you give him, your bags, your purse/backpack, your wallet, your phone, you.

He cannot stay in one store for too long. The moment he gets bored hes dragging you to something more exciting. Like an exhibit or new store.

He loves going to the furniture stores ngl. He likes to pretend you two are buying your first house and he gets to test your guy's new furniture. You have to be careful cause he'll start jumping on a bed and just break it.

Todomatsu

LOVES THE MALL!! literally his bread and butter. Wants to spend the entire day with you just browsing shit and looking for new stuff. He doesn't even wanna buy anything just wants to see and experience.

He spends hours picking clothes out for you. He gets really into fashion and always wants to experiment. The problem is he has a set asthetic he cannot change. So you become he new testing dummy!

Loves people watching lowkey. You two will sit in the food court and just spend hours just talking about the different characters. You two have gotten in trouble a few times cause he couldn't control his volume.

Takes so many pictures. Especially of any outfits you try on. He likes rubbing it in people's faces with how much hes in love and how awesome his life is. Especially how awesome his partner is.

The boys w/ periods

Osomatsu

He thinks its so gross, sorry. You mention it once and he gags and asks you to never talk about it again. Then you remind him that this is gonna happen at least once every 28 days or so. So he needs to suck it up or break it up. He chooses to suck it up(not literally)

Has no idea how to deal w/ it. He suggests some dumb stuff like drinking or even smoking even if you don't do either. He thinks that if you numb the pain it'll help.

Eventually he slowly begins to figure it out. Offering you sweets and cookies, being all sweet to you, especially if youre under the trans umbrella. It can be hard when your body is actively fighting against you.

Is still kinda bad at comforting you. All he really knows is how to comfort his brothers. So he sits you in his lap and you two play two player video games in a pillow fort. He'll make bad jokes and rage at the game cause he knows you find it funny.

Will go to the store to buy you pads. Kinda shameless when he gets over his fear of menstrual blood. He will call you middle of the isle and loudly ask "hey baby, what pussy size you need today?"

Karamatsu

Omfg hes so dramatic, hes punching the air, hes kicking his feet. He's like "DAMMIT, why them, it should have been me! Take me instead you foul beast!" *rips shirt off*. It's do funny you forget that youre in so much pain.

He does ask his mom for advice though, she helps him out. She actually comes over and takes care of you, mama-matsu treats you like her child, but better since you manage to get one of her shit head children out of her house.(maybe the rest too if you'd he so willing).

After that though hes actually a great help, he'll literally wait on you hand and foot. He runs to the store to buy ice cream, he reheats your pads, literally anything you need he will go above and beyond.

Also great for cuddles, he can shut up when commanded. Just knowing hes being useful is enough. Also really great at dealing with you rapid mood swings. You could be laughing, crying, then angry and he'd be smiling through all of it. May cry if you cry though.

If your transgender, especially a Trans man, he uses like, rlly cringe gender affirmative words to refer to your stuff?? He calls your sanitary shit like battle gear, and your heating pad your fuckin blood warmer idk. Just dumb shit that makes you laugh cause wtf hes always doing too much??

Choromatsu

Hes a little grossed out, but hes actually done the most research. He figured he'd have a girlfriend and usually they have periods. Maybe it didn't work out exactly as planned but youre happy hes at least competent.

Gets really blushy when you mention it the first time and kinda freaks out. It just feels so intimate and he freaks out over saying the wrong thing. You have to give him some time to reboot.

Eventually does get the hang of it and sometimes he gets flustered when you mention it, he just nods and asks if you need anything.

Kinda makes a whole schedule for you, he read a lot of things and makes a whole list of things you need to do. Including exercise and foods you should eat. He of course gives you sweets, you have to nourish the mind AND the body. Kinda treats you like you have an illness, just without the chance he'll catch it.

He gets very nervous when buying sanitary products. He treats it like hes buying a dildo or something. His head is on a swivel and has no idea what cashier to go to. He's socially awkward leave him be.

Ichimatsu

He has no idea what hes doing and terrified. Doesnt know what's happening, feels like he needs to ask, he doesn't ask. Please be patient with him he just wants to do his best.

Honestly you kinda need to tell him if you need help. He doesn't wanna patronize you and treat you like a helpless baby but if that's what you need hes fine with it! You just gotta tell him or he won't be able to help.

Surprisingly tender and sweet when you get emotional or worked up. He pulls you in his arms and bushes you gently and let's you talk it out. He'll turn off the lights and you two just lay together sweetly.

Also very protect of you if you wanna be babied, he sees youre really sensitive and so his dark aura gets really intense. You watch people literally run from you two as you walk by. Then you look at ichimatsu and hes blushing at you shyly.

Likes using cats instead of heating pads. He'll find the fattest, warmest, and chillest cat he can find and bring it home. Then without warning he shoves it under your shirt and you just pray it's not gonna kill you.

If you ask him he will give you head WHO SAID THAT?!?!?!

Jyushimatsu

Oh he has no idea what's happening, has never even heard of a period til today. Once he learns about it, he literally asks you if youre just peeing blood. Although I fear if your a transgender man he gets even more confused cause like??? What do you mean some guys bleed down there??

Please don't ask him to run errands, he'll get them done but i don't think the store will ever be the same. You read about it later on your phone. It's so horrifying that you can't look him in the eyes for a day.

Will do his damn hardest to keep your spirits up, hes doing funny little dances, hes doing his lil tricky tricks, hes being your truly devoted jester.

Loves how cuddly you get but hates your mood swings. He gets confused quickly as to what is happening and why your crying then suddenly happy again. Please explain to him it's not his fault. He's just your little guy.

Will lay his head on your stomach to see if he can hear the blood. If he can he likes to listen to it and narrate what's happening. You honestly have no idea if hes BSing cause it's like, weirdly mundane and kinda accurate. He's just sitting there and is like "oh! Another piece of the egg fell out." As you watch TV. How strange.

Todomatsu

Actually knows what hes doing, thank God. Hes already stocked with everything which is kinda weird but hes so ready. Hes got pads AND tampons w/ two sizes. Hes got a stash of candy bars and tea to sooth you.

I feel like hes become like actually good friends with a lot of his old coworkers even if things didn't work out. He learns a lot through them and is actually super caring for them.

He likes to give you spa days where he can pamper you. He reminds you he thinks your gorgeous and he loves every part of you, even the blood.

Handle any mood changes like a champ, hes honestly not afraid to sass you especially when youre being sparky. He doesn't care how tired or bad you feel you can use your grown up words.

But the more I look at his froggy face, and see him freak out and being a tsundere. I get it now, plus im pretty sure hes the only one besides todomatsu to have canonically gotten the job??(i didn't watch those episodes though cause endings and conflicts make me rlly sad. So idk im jusy guessing based on context clues.) So ig there is some truth to his asshole behavior. Plus he looks so cute when he smiles.

Osomatsu san sexualty headcanons

Karamatsu

Okay so, this is an interesting one. I feel like hes gay without realizing it. Like, there's a lot of canonical evidence pointing to him being bisexual, but theres something in my soul that just tells me hes bisexual without ever realizing it.

Hes very gay without realizing it. He's the type to wear gay fashion, go to gay bars, and hang out and be hit on by gay men and be none the wiser. Like hes definitely gone on several dates w/ men and then gets confused when they all suddenly find boyfriends.

On top of that hes very like gender ambiguous when it comes to clothing?? Like less than totty but it's still def there. Hes worn skirts and tried to claim they're kilts and has worn fishnets under booty shorts.

So I think hes bisexual without realizing it.

Ichimatsu

He'd literally take anything if it had a pulse and a kind word to say about him. Doesnt matter, man, woman, non-binary, secret fourth option

Has literally only thought about it once cause he thinks so much he gets worked up and ends up almost homophobic?? Like the stress was too much for him.

I honestly think hes just unlabled and gets really offended if you ask him. Cause like, who tf are you to question him??

Its so funny how I talk about ichimatsu when hes my second favorite brother right after karamatsu 😭😭. I just want to put him in my teeth and shake him violently.

Todomatsu

There's a lot of strong evidence of him being both gay and transgender! But I personally think hes just bisexual, lowkey all the brothers are bi to me w/ how they be fawning over totoko lol.

Hes definitely had a lot of crushes on guys over the years. Keeps it hidden from his brothers though, he hasn't even come out to them. Which is weird cause hes so open about it to everyone else.

Iyami

I was gonna say something but fear it may be insensitive.

Hes a lavender marriage gay. Him and Dobusu are in a relationship so he can show any possible employment just incase since lgbt+ ppl are not fully protected by Japanese law.

Other then that I feel like he has a very normal gay life. Goes to whatever job he has in that moment. Comes home, bitches to his lesbian wife about how men ain't shit, goes do gay shit(sleep for 8 hours cause hes too broke to go party.)

Totoko

She's an evil ass transgender woman, the kind of woman who'll doxx you on Twitter then post a Pic of herself in doggy ears.

Also very performative and competitive with other transgender women and women in general. She's always comparing herself to others which makes her both really insecure and also helps her feel more gender affirmed.

Doesnt realize she's a lesbian and refuses til she blue in the face. She can't be a lesbian!!! She goes on dates with so many guys!!!!

Chibita

MY BROTHER IN CHRIST 🤝🤝🤝. IF THAT ISNT A TRANSGENDER MAN I DONT KNOW WHAT IS.

Okay jokes aside, I like the idea that chibita's a transgender man. That would make sense as to how hes so much shorter than most men and why his voice is slightly more effeminate than the rest.

Also hes so comfortable in his gender w/ how much he likes to cross dress. You saw in that rent a girlfriend episode he wanted that dress man.

Imagine biting karamatsu and he just pulls down his collar and offers you his neck instead. He calls you his little vampire and then tells you that he'd let you bit him and turn him into a vampire and you two could live in a castle and drink wine for the rest of your lives. Then he'd fall of the bed cause he posed to quickly and cry cause he fell on his face.