yume

cigarettes know madness as sadness knows nights. peace does not happen at graveyard. yet, there is wildlife living inside. there is too much noise and I want to shout shut up, shut up, shut up.

but I refuse to light another. it is not me who needs to be smothered. it is you, and I wish to forsake you.

you are every bright thing in the world.

the one that makes morning bearable,

and long nights less dreadful.

your smiles and kisses

were drugs that keep me alive.

you are the hope

that fills my heart,

the reason I ain't giving up.

you are the love and pain

I never expected.

but got me too high and hell,

so invested.

i may be letting you go,

but I cannot promise

that I will be moving on.

so please, help me find peace,

I'm in my third year in college. Thinking of the requirements and qualifications this course requires had me a sudden heavy feeling.

I've been fighting and fighting for this course ever since, albeit it is not my dream course. I am trying to do my best to finish everything. Aside from the high expectations and pressure from the people around me, especially my family. It confines me with anxiety that I might not excel in this field the way I want to, and that I might not be the best.

My course also requires more group work as it is about interacting with other people. But as an introvert, it is very difficult for me to work with other people; And online classes make it more difficult for me to communicate because I really don't know my classmates well. Sometimes, I offend them in ways I did not intend to. Staying in this course just made me realize that I better work alone. In that way, I have no one to blame but myself when everything falls apart.

Last week, I am confident that I did my best in this field. But I am not satisfied with the results and it is making me feel awful.

Anyways, I just want to release the heavy feelings. Though at the end of the day, I am fighting and will fight for my field. Not just because of the feeling that I needed to do this, but because I like where am I right now and I am sure that I will definitely love the place I'll be going for the next years.