THE HYPE-O DIARIES

So I'm back, live and kicking in 2014. 

I went to Morocco over New Year just after Christmas, and man was that a bizarre experience. 

I am (sort of nearly) a new me. Medicines going well, I'm getting into a better routine AND I'm taking my iron tablets. So my energy levels are increasing slowly and I'm a bit more positive about things.

I don't know whether this book I'm reading called something like "GET WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE" is making an impact subconsciously or not, but I'm getting stuff I've put off for ages, done. 

I've also joined a new gym, actually BEEN, on a "healthier" diet, got a personal trainer, AND joined a netball team. See, new me.

What's the point in life? To live. (I do still love sleep though.)

Was thinking about this gluten free diet malarky but.. I'm not sure I'm dedicated enough yet. 

How is that other people just get up and go?

I'm so tired and the more tired I am the more difficult I find it to be positive, the more sensitive I am and the easier it is to fall back into a depressive state. 

My motivation for everything is disappearing to an actual non-existent state and I don't care. 

Who ever said 8 hours of sleep was enough? After my awful night on Monday, I managed last night to be in my bed by 8pm(!) and actually sleep. While it wasn't consistent, it was deeper than the night before and I was able to stay there until 9am this morning. (I could have stayed longer but my critical voice was nagging at me reminding me I'm a waste of space if I don't get up. Does anyone else have one of these?) I had a million dreams but they were welcomed and entertaining, so maybe I'm passing through this light-sleep-exhausted-non-motivation stage.

I actually went for a run too yesterday about 3.30 and I got to see a really beautiful sunset about 4. I wish I'd taken my phone with me. I also saw some ducks and a fluffy chicken - would you believe this actually made my day? (As well as my two new [and only] followers - thank you!)

I feel like Aspirational is coming back and I really really like her. She sees the point in life, and everything is so much easier, and my creativity is back, or at least the motivation to be creative. University work almost seems trivial compared to two days ago where it was the ultimate demon in my life. I'm also going to try eating healthily and getting back to exercise. 

[Side note: Doesn't everything feel completely different when you're not stuck in a depression? It's obvious, but the same situations, the same places, the same people, the same you, are all entirely different. Tunnel vision of negativity is my Achilles' heel and I do not enjoy it. It's my weakness but there's really little I can do. It is one of the most difficult things for me, "to be" when "I am not."]

Cogito ergo sum; this is how I aspire to be.

I'm feeling happy and excitable. About nothing. Well, maybe the fact I'm becoming a human again, term ends in 3 weeks and I'm going on holiday over New Year, so I'll let myself have this one. Things are looking up.

This is probably an unwise first post on the subject, but I'm feeling uneasy.

I've been thinking about creating this tumblr for a while, more for my own mind's sake than anything else. I also wonder if it might help other "sufferers" out there (if we can call ourselves that.)

Recently I've been in a whirlwind of catastrophic emotional downfalls, with pitfalls of underwhelming-overwhelming-ness. And that my fellow thyroid-mates, doesn't even make sense (which is about on par with my current state of my mind.) My head is like a torrential rain storm one minute and a sunny blue sky the next. 

For a few years now, I've been up and down on my medicine, which I know is the cause for how I'm feeling. I've been out of routine for so long I often forget to take it. And well.. moreover, when I'm feeling truly awful I'll get back to routine and take it because otherwise I might soon cease to exist, and yet as soon as I feel only a hint better in myself I completely forget that's the reason I'm better and thus I fall back into a bad routine. It doesn't even make sense. It's ridiculous. 

I am several people. I can remember different instances of me, ones I aspire to be, and ones I loathe. The loathsome are the ones when I'm low on dosage, and the aspirational are the ones who are perfect. The Loathsome dislike the Aspirational because, well, when they're low there's nothing we can do. The fatigue is one thing, but the motivation and the gust for life just disappears. It's a very difficult thing to put into words. It's easy to read, easy to understand, but to actually feel what I'm saying, and feel what I'm feeling.. that's different. These aren't facts, these are subjective emotions that I find difficult to word. They often appear "for no reason" - in that there is often no trigger as such, and they can disappear just as quick, taken over by something else. 

Perhaps in the last week or so, I've had the worst headaches, migraines, pulsating shooting head pains. I've never thought of the correlation between the two before, but as soon as I increased my dosage to the correct amount, these pains instantly went away. Is that the placebo affect or just sheer coincidence? 

Life is a struggle when I'm not on the correct dosage; it is really really difficult to understand why everything is the way it is, why the world continues to function how it does and how other people continue to live everyday while I find it often almost impossible. It's a battle to drag myself out of bed, to get dressed, to look nice, to go to university to sit around people, to listen, to sit there gormless and zombified. I often don't take in what's being said. I can understand you, but I can't remember the process in which to communicate. I can see the words in my head, I can imagine the object of the word, I have it on the tip of my tongue but I can't project it. I can't tell you what I'm half-thinking about. I can't construct a sentence. Sometimes, the mind is going so fast; fast-forwarding before you've even got a hold of one thought before the next one interrupts - if I can't keep up I really don't expect you to.

The worst part is, when people have seen you as your "proper" self - as one of the Aspirationals. (That's the real you - he or she is just often in hibernation throughout the entire year.) Friends/family/acquaintances often see the difference and accept that this is who you are. This is you transforming, you becoming moody, you being tired, you being the disorganised, lazy, apathetic member of the group, the one who can't hold a conversation, the one who doesn't remember what you were talking about 5 minutes ago, the one who looks at you like you're speaking a foreign language. 

This isn't easy. 

Life isn't easy; it isn't worth doing if it's easy. But it is easier with the help. I think some part of me also sees this as a weakness. I hate depending on a drug to live. Perhaps that's why, when I'm "better", I revert to not taking it. "I'm cured." Alas...

At the moment, I'm not sure where I am. I've been "off" the dosage for a while; I ran out, and well... I have issues going back to the doctors (lovely place, not) and thus... the issue worsens and the longer I leave it the more difficult it is to return. Anyway, I've been on it for perhaps two weeks but in the last 2/3 days I've forgotten to take it, AGAIN. Once my routine slips, I'm royally "fudged". 

Today was very difficult; 1st World Problem Leader get ready for this one. I live in a flat on my own with my cat. I am trying to redecorate/refurnish. I live above a couple with a baby. If the baby wasn't enough to deal with, the parents are worse. He snores. She sings "I like to move it move it" (all the friggin' time - oh and Rihanna!?) to the baby. So, I'm in the process of moving rooms and my flat is a mishmash of combining rooms - my dining table and sofa are now in my bedroom along with my bed, while my wardrobe is in the new lounge along with my dresser and laptop table. It's a state; I'm actually finding it really difficult to live with. On top of that, my spare room is a mess, I have no carpet or flooring and I can hear EVERYTHING. I also had an Ikea delivery the other day and the flatpack situation is NOT helping me. I can't even shift the packages they're so heavy. 

And the digression ends. Today I tried to sort things out and move the sofa into the newly named lounge and everything else out of my newly named bedroom. 

I got the sofa stuck in between the hallway, my spare room, my lounge and my bathroom. Actually stuck. I couldn't move. It wouldn't move. I was feeling weak and feeble and stressed, and the stupid thing was too big to manoeuvre on my own. How did it even get in here in the first place. After an hour of puffing and panting I resulted in sticking it back where I'd moved it from. I bullied and tormented myself because I'd just wasted however much time, doing bloody nothing, and my thoughts were in overdrive. 

Sometimes, I just want it to be easy. Easier. Why is this always stopping me; is it my safety net to make landing at Failure that much softer?

I'm not straightforward in my thinking, I get distracted and I often forget what my first point is. I don't like planning and if I do, every detail has to be perfect, and I don't have enough patience or failure-amour for that. This is why this post is nonlinear and I apologise. Keep up, man.

(I will try harder.)